What can we do when he has dementia at 58 years old and doesn't leave the bedroom?

Hi dewdeb,
I'm assuming that you HAVE to work to keep up with living expenses or maybe it is your only "sane" time away from home. Whatever the case, I would suggest you NOT quit your job to stay home with your husband. As someone above said, you can't be productive at a home based job if you're also a primary care giver too. The two don't go together. If your brother and wife are working out, great. It's a win-win situation. Please inform yourself on dementia so YOU know how to respond. The folks on this board are right, you can't reason with a demented person. I know that you've communicated with your husband in a certain way for many years. But that is not the case anymore because he isn't the same person anymore. You need to change your STYLE of communication to suit him. He can't process information like he used to. Change your response from explaining he needs the care to something else (you feel better with them there) then "redirect" him and drop the discussion. You've probably never "shut down" a conversation with your husband before and it can feel real strange, like you aren't giving him the chance to verbalize his side. Learn to ignore what he says, (kind of like what we do with our small children constantly asking for toys or candy). This isn't fun and it feels very disrespectful but it's necessary so you don't waste your time arguing.
Try anything to get him to leave his room. Does he like to be in the garden? Or help cooking? Do you have a pet he can play with in the living room? If you have a TV in his room, maybe it can "break" and he'll have to watch the one in the family room. Ask him to "fix" something (that isn't broken) in another room. Then you can applaud him when it works.
Your husband is so young for this awful disease. I'm so sorry you were cheated out of your "golden years" together. Now, it's all about what "works" and how you can stay sane through it all. God bless you and yours.

Hi DewDeb. I have had no first-hand experience with this terrible disease; but, I have had a lot of friends and extended family who have had. The only thing that I remember from their experiences is to remember that you aren't talking to your husband anymore; you are talking with the disease that is taking over his mind. So, trying to be rational and arguing with him will just upset both of you for nothing. The others have given you some good suggestions about how to handle the situation. I would choose working part time at home and having respite care when possible. As you saw from the others, though, that has its downside, too. There is no perfect answer for you. I am sure your husband's having dementia at 58 was something you never thought you would be managing. My heart breaks for you, and I wish you the best. That one little tidbit about remembering you aren't talking to your husband any more, it's the disease, was all I had to offer. Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

Poor guy. I can't imagine having dementia at 58 ( my age) .

If ur Mom has any money find a place that will do respite careso u can get away. Have heard some AL allow people to take advantage of their fun time for a fee.

Working from home is a double-edged sword for sure. Up until last summer, I worked from home for a company that micromanaged the h*ll out of me. So, yes, having a mother at home with AD was stressful - no running her to appointments and "making up" the time. No tending to "issues" without fear of being grilled about productivity. Fast forward 9 months...New employer, work from home with all sorts of autonomy & that's blissful. However, mom's deterioration has progressed and now I catch hell for "going to work" from her because "I work too much." Mind you I work part-time. She used to be fine on her own, make herself lunch, etc. Now she will sit in her chair all day watching (zoning out on) TV. So, it's becoming clear that whether I am home or not, I need to tap into resources to keep on top of her needs. And NOT having a regular reason to go somewhere - that's another story. I have spent 1 night away from home in the last 6 months. I used to travel to get away & recharge. Regrettably, working from home - not having help coming in - I've sort of painted myself in a corner. I'll figure things out, but just be aware. Don't just "plan"...execute.

Working from home is notan option if you don't have alot of employment around you. I have also found that this only happens when u have worked for a company and they can trust that you can do the job. A woman I know had to time clock in and out within the 8am - 5pm usual time. They could tell if she was working. I would think it would be hard for someone who has a Dementia family member who can't reason and doesn't understand your working. Work for some is a way to get away and relate with other people. It helps them deal better.

Your right about that, Ferris. Dementia patients do no like change. I considered working from home too to take care of my mom, but I had to consider my own sanity, career, financial situation, etc. and ultimately decided not to. Luckily, I was able to find an assisted living memory care facility for my mom.

If you and your husband have lived alone, then anyone coming in to live with you both is going to be challenging. Perhaps it is time for you to re-think your working outside the home, and get a job working from home. I know Synchrony (formerly GE) hires people to work from home part-time and they are legitimate. You are going to continue having arguments every day, he will decline sooner, and there will be an impact on your health as well. Having relatives live with you is usually never a good idea. I tried it one for about six months when an apt. was being built, and it was horrible. There is no amount of money that will replace a peace of mind. Dementia patients do not like change.

This is hard...I know. My mother has dementia and she complains about the same things over and over and becomes agitated very easily. It's part of his disease. As Eyerishlass says, try to redirect his attention. But first and foremost, just don't argue with him. All of you have to let go of that rope and just don't respond to his demands and complaints. He's not going to chance, doesn't want to and frankly his diabetes has probably progressed to the point that it's affected his mental state and he can't change. Just do what you'll can to help take care of him and start looking for a personal care home for him because that will be your next big challenge.

The next time your husband begins to complain about your brother and sister-in-law living there redirect his attention. Explaining to him over and over why they are there is a waste of time. It tries your patience and probably agitates your husband. The next time he starts ignore his comment or question and ask him if he'd like a snack or do a puzzle, anything to stop the loop of constant complaining.

I'm happy for you that you have help. :-)