She refuses to hire help! I have 3 teens with a chronic health issue. One has Autism and epilepsy and one has schizophrenia, and one has dyslexia for which I have to battle a school district over! and my husband has a mental illness and health issues. I have no help with my own family; and I was already streched thin when Mom had a stroke that left her paralyzed. I know this is EXTREMELY hard on my sister. I help just 7 hrs a week. other sibs help for an additional 15-20 hrs. weekly. I drive 40 mins to get to her house. I try to help when I can, but sometimes I cannot. This has been going on for 4 yrs now. I feel bad that I can't help more, and I think she is resentful and not understanding that sometimes I can't come on one of my days to help-but she REFUSES to hire help because having someone else in her house is an invasion of her privacy.
I am sleep deprived, exhausted, and am facing health issues due to the stress of my own situation. I am feeling guilty and upset because she does not seem to understand my situation. My other sibs are getting tired,too. We have tried to talk to her in regards to finding other solutions (ie:either hiring help or looking for a long term care facility, but she will not have a conversation about it.) What should I do?
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Or, this totally devoted caregiving sister could visit Mom daily in a rehab/nursing home.
It is your sister who denies Mom this needed treatment.
Since you are already in a war yourself, you are exempt from any duty with Mom and the war that sister is creating. I have heard of a family of sisters who regularly contributed each as possible to their mothers care so the mother could get the needed care in a professional setting.
Have that family meeting. Oh, and if you cannot contribute, that too is a no guilt situation.
Hope everything is a win-win for everyone involved.
I may have to take the leadership role here and along with my sibs confront my sister with an ultimatum. This situation is not good for all involved. Mom is 90 and confused sometimes, but I know she can sense the stress.
I really needed an objective ear(or eye).
Thanks again!
Actually your caregiving sister is doing a disservice to your Mom. How productive can Sis be if she herself is overwhelmed with doing the care? Everyone else, including many of us on the forum, can see the forest for the trees.... your Mom needs a higher level of SKILLED care. Either hired professional help or a continuing care facility.
What to do? Stop enabling the caregiving sister by going over to help. Use tough love. Talk to your other siblings and maybe among you all decide to start cutting your time helping out, I know it won't be easy. Then and maybe then that sister will realize she cannot be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers every day.... something will need to give.
By the way, what does Mom think? She might be happier in a facility among her own peers, and being around nurses/aides who are skilled in taking care of stroke patients. I am sure your Mom can see and hear what is happening at home :(
You are allowing yourself to be controlled by FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) which your sister is using to manipulate you.
"No" is a complete sentence. You need to learn how to say no, not explain yourself, and take care of yourself and your family.
Your sister needs to hire help...but you will not be able to force her to do so. This is her problem, not yours.
I know what I have said is easy to say, but is extremely difficult to implement. But you must do it to save yourself...or you wont even be around to take care of your own family.
Angel