How do others cope with caring for two parents?

On Friday I had assisted living personell visit our home to try to persuade both parents to move.. Total havoc in our home after my mother told them she would make her own decisions on where to live. Subsequent to the visit she contacted her lawyer, financial adviser and my sister. My sister and parents decided to move to Pennsylvania to be close to my sister. Feeling elated that I will finally be free from my narcissistic mother but guilty over not being able to take care of dad with Alzheimer's. Anyone else have mixed emotions regarding getting out of toxic situation but feeling guilty about not being able to care for sane or semi sane parent?

If your mom is able to comprehend things, I would explain that they would be better suited in an assisted living facility. If she's extremely nasty for no reason, I"d get her evaluated to see what's going on. She could have an infection, illness or dementia herself that is causing her attitude.

I'd likely visit several places, depending on what they need and see what is out there. Is your dad able to make it in a regular Assisted Living? When dementia is very progressed, the person may need Memory Care. I"d explore that and find a couple of places for your mom. Invite her to go with you to see which one she wants. Even though she may be saying she doesn't want to go, I'd explain it's for the best and is going to happen. I' d be nice, but firm.

The only other option is to bring in outside people to care for them in your home and then stay in your own space inside the house. That can be expensive and also deprive you from your own privacy inside your home.

Stop letting other family members who aren't contributing push your buttons. Only you can put a stop to that.

If she calls and creates havoc with her disruption, why do you even take her calls? Just let them go to voice mail.

My sister favorite child calls every two weeks and continually disrupts our house

They are here moved here to stay hopefully not permantely. Sooooo sorry we were nice guys.. Btw siblings won't help trash us when she calls brother hasn't spoken to them 10 years. HELP

You say that you want them to move to assisted living but they don't want to. That's a tough nut to crack. I often wonder what the hell people are thinking, moving 90 year old parents into their homes as there is no way in hell it ever works. Enough lecturing......

You will basically have to kick them out. Find a suitable place, get it set up, have the care folks do an assessment, pack their stuff and away they go. As Garden Artist said, that's easy for me to type, not so easy in real life.

My folks are still in their own home, shouldn't be, but won't move, so I'm just waiting for the crisis that forces the issue. But they are not in my house driving me crazy. Make it happen. There will be yelling, hate, God knows what but they will survive and get over it.

Whose house is this? If you are renting move and leave them- lol.

Forgot to add - if you can afford to bring in paid caregivers, do so, and take advantage of that time to spend some private time away from your parents, whether you and your husband go for a walk, bike ride, hike, shopping, to dinner or whatever.

They might not want recognize it, but the caregiving arrangement is a two-way street requiring cooperation and compromise on the part of everyone, including your parents.

With your husband, draw up some standards, rules, that must be obeyed, such as the elements of your mother's behavior that you consider nasty and need to be changed. It's harder with your father because he likely has less control or cognition over his own behavior. But at least if you could modify your mother's nasty behavior, it would be a start.

Discuss with your husband what are the behaviors you absolutely won't tolerate. Then have a "come to caregiving" meeting with your parents, and inform your mother that some changes need to be made if she wants to stay, and that either you're treated with respect, or you will find another place for her to live, whether she likes it or not.

There's a quid pro quo involved in these arrangements. The caregivers made modifications and compromises; so must the cared for parents. Otherwise it's an unequal arrangement guaranteed to lead to caregiver frustration and burnout.

I know it's easy for me to sit at a desk and write this but it's not going to be as easy for you to address it and be forceful with your mother.

However, you're entitled to respect. It probably will be hard to change your mother's ways, but she has to change if she expects to stay there with you.

Good luck; I think you'll need it.

Btw they pay nothing except occasional bathing from caregiver but don't like bathes they smell

Advice? How can we cope? Sooooooo frustrated

How do we get out of this soooooo frustrating situation we need a life. My husband and I second marriage 14 years but totally not ready for this!

Wow is right. I'm not in this situation but plenty of folks on this forum are in similar situations. You should get lots of experienced answers.

I learned from this forum to not live with my folks. We will all be better off if they go to assisted living when the time comes. Dad will likely be in memory care.

In a nutshell, it comes down to a choice between having a life or commiting the rest of you life to eldercare. No disrespect to those that pull it off but it ain't easy.