How long can this go on?

Hi Jenny, if you aren't careful, your dad's problems will progress too far without supervision without your knowledge. I thought mom was doing fine, but she was refinancing her home because of getting into trouble with credit cards. The doctor had prescribed her several strong medications, and I don't think she was keeping tract of when she was taking it. When I noticed how sleepy she was, even on the weekends when she visiting us and how disoriented she seemed when she woke up (not knowing If it were morning or evening), I knew something was wrong. Her fall at our house and breaking her hip told me I should have done something sooner than I did. So, the doctor shared some of the anger she directed at me about not driving, having to sell her car and house, etc. While she was recuperating, I asked where her monthly bills were. She did have them together and easy to follow. I realized then that I should have been giving her some help with her finances, too. Our house was too small for her, so we found an AL place about 5 minutes from us.

I fixed her meds in a tray every week. There was nothing wrong with her mentally. She was just sick, tired, and ready to go "Home." They called me to the AL once saying they thought she had had a stroke and was acting "out of it." I got there as quickly as I could. She was slurring her words and telling her friends that she was not going to the ER! I hugged her and asked her what was wrong. She said she didn't know, but she would be OK. I looked into her eyes, and her pupils were little pin points. I asked her if she remembered taking her medicine and if she were sure she took the right ones. She said she wasn't sure, but she thought she did. I told all of them that she had taken her morning or night medicine, but I was going to take her to the ER just to be sure. She was going to refuse to go with me, so I got out my phone and said it's with me or the ambulance. She was so angry with me, but she went with me. I told the ER doctor to take a urine an blood test, and he would see what the problem was. After hours of her lying there and our teleconferencing with a neurologist, the ER doctor said it looked as if Dr. Daughter were right. They kept her overnight anyway, for observation. That was when I started ordering her meds from the pharmacy that delivered to the AL. The meds were in sealed packages and marked AM, Noon, and PM. Eventually, she had to have assistance with bathing and getting dressed. As I said, my mom didn't have any mental loss; she was just obstinate and physically declining.. Your dad already is declining mentally and is only going to get worse.

Your dad reminds me of my stubborn husband about getting someone to mow the yard and doing things we can't do any more. He's 88, and I am pushing 70. We just can get out in the heat and do things like we used to do. So, I just went to the neighbor and told her to tell the young man who cuts her yard to not even ask, but to go ahead and mow our yard also. I would pay him personally, and not to listen to the man of the house! It gets to the point that you have to do some things like that or your yard would never get mowed and house would never get cleaned. (I am working on decluttering so that I can have some professional help in the house now!) So, remember he is not going to make a reasonable decision, and you go ahead and make the best one for him. If he gets angry, smile and say you were tired of seeing the tall grass.

You really have a lot on your plate and a lot to learn. I think I speak for everyone here in saying that you have found a world of support and suggestions to help you. So, keep on leaning on us. You will find that others have been down that road before, and you will make it, too. All my best to you.

Sorry, I see you are frustrated, that's why you posted after all. ((hugs))
Lose the car keys, disable the car, if you want to get really tough love report him to the police. What he really needs is to be admitted to detox, I'm afraid just cutting him off could cause DT's. And as Baba said, contact the doctor.

Not like me but to me...........sigh!

Janny it sounds like me that you are rewarding bad behavior. This is not a criticism but just an observation. Maybe you need to slowly cut back on the help you are giving him. I know it will be hard cause you worry but sometimes tough love is the only way. As others have said eventually he will hurt himself or someone else, especially if he drinks as much as you say he does.

Janny, do you go with him to doctor? Write the doctor a letter outlining what you've told us. Send it certified mail. Take a copy to the next appointment.

Ask the doctor what the best way for dad to get help, as you and husband will be moving away in a week.

No I never said he has Alz. Yes, I'm waiting for him to run over a little kid. That's my goal.

I have to agree, his main problem is the beer. A 12 pack a day, every day? Seriously? "Lite" beer is still alcohol, I don't doubt he has enough permanently in his system that he is impaired when he drives to the store, and you say he has alzheimer's too. Are you waiting for him to run over a little kid before you get him off the road?

Babalou, your summary is spot on! I would carry a video-sound-recording device with me when you, Janny, have those "conversations-agreements" with dad, and play it back for him, showing he did agree to ??? and ))) and that is what is going to be!

Don´t allow yourself to be thrown under the bus by your own dad.

That is what he is doing. No fair for hubby. No fair for you to allow it.

It is not UP TO YOU to fix his problems. He has managed to create them, specifically speaking: overdrinking.

What is going to happen when he goes to the NH and he has alcoholic withdrawals???? He is going to go insane. Not your fault.

Buying the beer makes you an enabler. Letting him drive to go buy it? Same thing.

If APS gets involved, investigates, and gets to find out you are part of this destructive equation..........I am not sure into how much trouble you could get.

Tough Love is needed. Quick!

M 8 8

12 pack of beer a day. No memory and drives himself to the store. You go EVERY WEEKEND to repair his property?

What advice would you give someone elso who reported those facts to you?

I'd call APS and report him as a vulnerable adult.

Hi everyone. Thanks for your replies. I really appreciate your comments. It is just so stressful dealing with someone who has no memory. One day he will agree on something and I think. "Great..he's going to go along with ....what ever ". Then later, be it a minute, hour or day he doesnt remember and I have to go thru it all again. It's so depressing because he drinks and just talks about who died. He doesnt even get that right. He drives in the morning to get his beer. If we are there and going to the store we buy it. It keeps him home. I've struggled with whether to buy it or not but since he'll just go himself I do. We will continue to help one day at a time till something changes.

In agreement with Ff and Sophe.

I want to support freqflyer's answer as being the reality. Good advice there.

Janny, I see from your profile that your Dad has memory issues, and that you've been a member of the forum for a year or so.

May I ask who is purchasing the 12 packs of beer that your Dad has every day? Does your Dad still drive?

How long can your Dad last that way? I have a feeling the Alzheimer's/Dementia isn't going to create a crises, but the beer drinking will as it has a heavy impact on ones system. Your Dad has insomnia, mental confusion, loss of coordination, doesn't want to eat... all side effects from over use of beer.

And it is time for you and hubby to stop helping with all the house and lawn work. At time we tend to enable our parent to keep up their lifestyle while we have to change our own. Of course your Dad won't hire a lawn guy, he has your hubby... of course your Dad won't hire a cleaning crew, he has you.

Just a comment on the potential investments. Stay away from annuities; it isn't unheard of for less than scrupulous financial pros to try to steer older people into annuities. The withdrawal penalties in the event of a financial emergency make these products inappropriate,

Mutual funds can be withdrawn easily and might be an option though.

And think over whatever any financial planner advises and make your own decisions.

Oh, I wanted to add. I would double check all that your dad is saying. Often they are not providing accurate information. They may say they took meds, but they did not. They may claim that they bathe...not really. They forget or are confused about many things, so I would inspect and verify all his contentions.

It's tough when the person is not operating safely, but yet they resist. I do feel your pain. I've been in a similar situation, but not as severe as yours. Sadly, with my loved one, the health took a sharp turn downward and that required her to get medical attention, then the doctor saw the mental decline, got on board and we were able to get her placed. But, it did take a fall, fracture, unpaid bills, cancelled insurance, etc. I would look into whether car, home and medical Supplemental insurance is caught up.

Tip for leaving food. I learned to wrap the dish in clear plastic so she could see the food. Anything covered with foil or lid she would not see or think to look underneath and it would go to waste.

I do hate to say that often a severe decline or crisis is needed in order to have the person in a position that you can help them.

I think you are to the point that many of us are with stubborn elders who are not quite totally incompetent but refuse help. I think you're doing about all you can at this point, and yes, it will probably take a crisis to force the issue of in home or facility care.

And I agree, don't move in with him or move him in with you. You lives would be over for God only knows how long. You may have already done so, but try and get all the legal and financial stuff in order, will, POA, end of life directives and all the rest.

I just wrote on another thread that taking care of an older person can be like herding cats. We can know what would be best and make sense, but they are going to do what they want to do. A bad thing about this is that we have to deal with the fallout of their bad decisions. Before you sell his house, I agree with you that I would try to come up with a way to shelter the money from impulsive spending. I don't know how you could do that. Maybe something as simple as a mutual fund would work. Some of the bond funds are relatively safe and can be tapped into in 4-5 days. Most pay a monthly interest rate. An account could be set up online so that the POA has the password, but Dad can't access it. It could continue to earn some money each month that way.

I'm just venting I guess. He is stubborn. So, any suggestions like going to the doctor for an evaluation to get some help, that might help HIM, he rejects. He only goes to the doctor when he is in terrible pain.
Yes, it's dangerous to be drinking and taking sleeping pills but when you are dealing with an impossible person then "oh well..." That sounds cold, I know, but dad is dealing with his loneliness and depression "his way". What can I do. Perhaps force him into a home, where he'd just walk out. (and they won't take an alcoholic anyway).
Yes, he did get all the paperwork in place. DNR, Living Trust, POA, etc.
I talk about him moving to where we live (90 minutes away) and how his inlaws lived with HIM and mom. He wants us to move in with him but that would be a 4 hour commute for my husband and I don't want that. Plus living with him would drive me insane. Our lives are up here. His life is down there. Why should I have to leave all my friends and church to take care of him? I won't do it.
I could hire help for him, 2-3 hrs, a day but he needs someone there 24/7. That's too expensive. So, we go down every weekend and a couple of neighbors check on him. Until something serious happens I guess this is it. I am in the process of selling one of his properties to have funds for his care. He agreed to it (since he neglected the home and it needs thousands of $$ in repairs now and he can't do it himself he's agreed to sell it. He thinks he's going to "take off a go on vacation" (driving himself by the way to Oregon, WA and OK). I can't wait for the conversation about where to put the money. It worries me how to invest it so it will be safe. Financial planner, here I come.

The answer is that it can go on a long time. My mother has had a shuffling gait for over 10 years now. She has vascular dementia. She has been confusing her medications and showing poor judgment for over 10 years, as well. I've learned that there is really no way to know how long she will live, but what I can do to make it easier. This is mainly doing the simple things that have to be done daily -- medication management, meals, transportation, cleaning. It is very time consuming, but it is something that needs to be done. How long it will last, I don't know. It will go on until she dies or goes into a nursing facility.

Your profile says that your dad has dementia. So, are you asking how long he will be in this phase? There is no may to know that, but generally, people with dementia are not able to live alone except in the early stages.

I'd be extremely concerned with a dementia patient being in charge of taking their own meds, especially sleeping pills. He could forget that he already took it and take it again. That is very risky, IMO. I'd discuss his physical symptoms and medication issues with his doctor.

It's likely that eventually, you will not only be taking care of his properties, but of him as he progresses. Eventually, the person is not able to care for any of their needs, including bathing, toileting, feeding etc. I'd discuss it with your husband and see an Elder Law attorney. Do you have Durable POA and Healthcare POA? I would think you would need those things in order to care for him and his affairs/properties.