How can I help my Mom who is losing her memory?

Your father probably doesn't understand or has no idea how much he's asking of you. This may be one of the hardest parts of the new family dynamic and reality.

You may have to explain, or rather make it clear to him, that you can only do certain things and others either aren't going to get down or will have to be hired out. You can all work together, or he can remain accustomed to preferential treatment, in which case something else will be eliminated.

These aren't situations where responsibilities are elastic. It's hard for a man who's used to being waited on to recognize that this is going to stop and he's going to have to pitch in.

You might want to think of things he can do for himself, starting with one at a time and gradually adding more. But you will have to be firm in telling him you can't and won't do everything. And don't let him intimidate or guilt you into waiting on him.

Be prepared for resistance, but stick to your principles, and good luck. And remember that if you give in once, that sets a precedent. Many of us have been through this and write from experience.

When is the last time Mom had a complete physical, bloodwork, EKG, etc? She needs to get that done. You go with her, just take notes and do not answer for her. That way she signs the health care proxy so the MD knows you and can talk to you. One step at a time.

Arcy1113, good for you telling your Dad he needs to step up. Please note this situation is only going to get worse no matter what you do.

Whatever you do, do not enable your parents to a point where they are continuing on with their lifestyle and you need to change your own. That is the mistake I made with my parents.... Dad stopped driving in his late 80's and I became their wheels, and my parents wanted to get out of the house 2 or 3 times a day. Mom wanted to go to 3 different grocery stores depending what store had what items on sale. And Dad wanted to go to Home Depot every other day... we would spend 2 hours in the store and all Dad had in his cart was a light bulb :P It's tough to say "no".

As Eyerishlass said above, if you are working do NOT quit your job. You need to get financially ready for your own retirement.

You were right in letting your dad know that he needs to become responsible for himself now. He's been used to your mom doting on him for many years and now she's showing signs of cognitive impairment and can't wait on him as he's become accustomed to. I fear that this is a trap that you're about to fall into and may never get out of by taking on the care of them both. You won't be able to care for your mom properly if you're fetching things for your dad all day long while he sits in his Lazy Boy watching TV.

Is your dad aware that your mom is having difficulties? That is, does he accept it or is he in denial? Many spouses are in denial regarding the declining mental health of their partner.

Don't make any huge life decisions. Don't quit your job. Don't move. Don't do any of that. Make an appointment for your mom with her Dr. so she can be tested for dementia. Do this and see what the Dr. has to say then go from there.

Can you give a couple more details? Like, how old are your parents? Are they both physically healthy? Your living with your parents - did you move in to be a helper or for other reasons? Is it just the three of you? In their house or your? Do you work outside the home? Not trying to be mosey - more details will get you better advice.