My Mom needs a pacemaker, but is refusing. How do I convince her to go ahead?

Respect her wishes. Too many families have had problems getting the flippin' pacemaker turned off when it is time, putting the patient and family in extreme distress.

If you have a pacemaker, you can't die peacefully, as the pacemaker will shock the heart back to beating. It must be removed before one can die. It is a good decision not to place it. I would reconsider, if she was 60 and in good health. Dementia is exhausting and frightening. Maybe it's best to just let her go, as she wishes.

It is your Mom's decision.

It is my understanding that a pacemaker is not life-extending but rather life-enhancing. To have your heart beat regularly is more comfortable and healthy.

My husband had a pacemaker and a defibrillator. After he developed dementia he signed a DNR and wanted the defibrillator removed. At first the heart surgeon tried to talk him out of it, and then agreed to do it when the battery had to be changed and a procedure was needed anyway. My husband continued on the pacemaker. He wanted the rest of his life to be as comfortable as possible -- he just did not want to have his heart re-started if it stopped.

If your mother has had the purpose and the methods of the pacemaker explained to her in a way she can understand, then I'd say she can make her own decision.

If your mom has lived to 87, I think you have to respect her wishes about the pacemaker. Don't make her live the life you want her to live...let her make her decisions, since she still is in possession of most of her faculties.

My mom is 96 and frequently says we're living too long. All of my mom's siblings are gone, she only has one friend left (who lives in another state), and my dad died in 2009, after 65 years of marriage. My mom isn't depressed, but her quality of life isn't what I'd like for her. She lives in independent living, but doesn't have any desire to do any of the activities at the place where she lives. I bring her food, because it's too far to the dining room and she doesn't get dressed most days. I respect her wishes.

Be sure you know your mom's feelings about her end-of-life care and that you have her Power of Attorney (POA) for healthcare. Or that someone does. Also a Power of Attorney for Property. Ask her if she wants to be revived if her heart stops. If not, get a DNR (Do not Resuscitate) order on file. I have one for my mom that everyone has. Good luck, these are tough decisions for most of us.

She is 87. Her quality of life is fair. She lives alone, drives herself to the Senior Center every day, to church and hairdresser once a week and is within walking distance of the grocery. She does not cook but eats at the Senior Center once a day and either eats what I bring her for supper or buys something ready made. She has some confusion. I sort her pills and double check her mail for missed bills.

State of quality of life..........

I don't know how old your mom is or the stare of her quality of life. But I know with my parents, mid 80s with lots of health problems and pretty low quality of life I would not try and convince either of them to agree to life extending procedures. If they choose to I would certainly accept and support the decision assuming it's not totally nuts at their age.