How do we convince my mother-in-law she needs to go to a nursing home?

Moving in with mil or vice versa WILL NOT solve any problems. She will still fall, she will still not eat, she will still sit and not exercise. You guys will not be able to change any of that just because you live under the same roof. Besides not solving any problems, it will create a whole new list of them and your husband's relationship with his Mom will change completely. I speak from experience with my Aunt, who is living with me. I can't force her to do anything and she's in MY house. I suspect if I was in HER house it would be worse. You guys are in a hard place. Please recognize you are not doing her any favors by moving in.

It's likely that if she moved in with you, you'd quickly find yourself doing the lion's share of work. My hubby, at one time, wanted his father to move in with us. We still had 2 teenage daughters at home. They love Grandpa, but said they'd leave if he came.
Years later my hubby understands how stressful and difficult that would have been. At the time he was all for me staying home and running my life around his father. As it ended, we got in home care for him (they were lousy, sadly) and I wound up going out to his place 2-3 times a day to care for him. It was a better choice than having him move in.
If your MIL can possibly afford some in home caregivers, try that route. Be aware that once she begins the constant falling---her options are going to be very limited. And the "compliance" when she's in the NH is totally normal. My mother will sing and dance for anybody who is coming to her house to give her therapy, then she sits down and doesn't move for days.
Your hubby's guilt is normal---but help him be strong.

My mother has lived with my wife and I for the past year. Our lives were miserable. This is the second time we tried to have her live with us. She has the money for a nice AL near us. I finally dug in and told her she would be far better in the AL than being here. I didn't give her a choice even though she knows she has rights and could force us to evict her. I had endure multiple verbal fights with her and hurtful unkind things directed at my wife but I never gave in. Friday she is moving to the AL and now believes we want the best for all of us and just trying to get rid of her. You have to stand your ground no matter how nasty things get. It will be the worst time of your life but you have to do this.

Would she be able to pay a person to live with her? That might be the best in this situation since she sounds mobile and mentally active. I have my MIL living with us for the past 16 years - she is now 93 and gets very confused. My husband and our whole family need breaks from the amount of care she currently requires and must make arrangements with another family member to take her for a few weeks, this helps, but once she returns the stress comes right back with her.
On another note my 90 yr old Mom had a stroke and HAD to go in a nursing home. I hate it! We had her near us for 7 months, my sister took her for 2 months and we finally found a nursing home we all agreed upon at a distance where we CAN'T feel guilty about not visiting every day. I wish you the best with your situation and can only say "pray about everything before making a decision".

I was in the very same situation with my mother. As it turned out, I decided to move her in with me until she had any type of fall, etc. When she had her next injury/hospitalization I immediately explained to her that for her safety and my peace of mind we need to try an assist living facility. She lived quite comfortably, but I think what helped her most was that I was always there to visit her and talk to her on the phone with plans for taking her out for lunch, visits with the family, etc.
It is not easy for either side, but in time she adjusted and knew this was needed for her care. FYI - In the alternative, having the ability to have in-house care is ideal, but was not financially practical for our situation.

I agree that a nice AL might work great for her. Take her out to see some of them, have their provided lunch and see if she takes to any of them.
She probably won't but there will come a time that you'll have to say you all can't help her any longer. Suggest kindly that she needs to choose an AL from the ones you have visited.
Please don't let her demolish your ordinary lives. She can live very nicely in an AL and have help from fall prevention to fun social activities. Talk it up to her...
Best of luck!

Try not to be angry with your MIL. Even if she is laying it on with a trowel - keening and hand-wringing and woe-is-meing - about how miserable she is, that doesn't mean your husband has to take her complaints as any other than what they really and truly are: namely, her mourning the independent adult life she used to live. She has a right to mourn. It's just it can get on your nerves, as you know.

And get this into husband's head if nothing else, because it is really important for him to understand: even if you were to move your MIL in the guilt trips and the demands and the unhappiness would carry on. Because location is not the problem. Old age, frailty and loss are the problem. Nothing your poor husband can do can solve those.

What you can do for both of them is adopt a brisk, cheerful and practical approach, and remind them that the important thing is that 'Mother' is safe, warm and in capable hands.

What you don't need to say out loud, but do need to remember, is that when your husband says he feels terrible and he must look after his mother etc etc blah blah blah... What would almost certainly happen is that he feels terrible, he moves his mother into his house, and YOU must take care of her. Please do not fall for that one.

I would not let her move in with me. Let her hire someone if she wishes to do so, if she needs help. I think that is a great solution. If she is competent, the NH has to discharge her. If she tells them she will hire an aide to assist her, and you & your family are helping her in the areas that you described, that is a safe plan. And one that I would prefer over being placed in a NH. I would suggest that your husband get counseling so his life isn't so stressful. I did this & it helped immeasurable. Good luck.

Can someone move in with her? Or stay with her a few hours each day? A home health care aide or caretaker. Would have to pay for this service but it would be worth it..

i've told him about it, and he knows he is not the only one to ever go through this but the guilt is really getting to him...tearing him apart actually...i feel bad for even saying this but i am almost angry with her for making him feel so guilty

Can you get your husband to take a look at this site? Have him read a few thread regarding what it is like to move in with an aging parent and become their caregiver.

i just come her to other peoples stories and how they are dealing with their loved ones, we never dreamed things would be this way, its a very difficult situation for us all and only want whats best her

Rainmom- i have no issue with her mortgaging her house to pay for help, it's her house and her life so who am i to tell her what to do and i don't, i am trying to stand my ground but she guilts my husband everytime he goes to see her (everyday) and he feels like he is letting his father down by not moving in with her to take care of her

Jeannegibbs- as usual, excellent advice! Missgg, listen to it! So what if she takes out a loan? You almost sound as if you are throwing up your own roadblocks to make it so you'll have to move in. It's sounding to me like you've got two choices since your MIL is mentally competent and wants things her way. Either you let your MIL do it her way, pay for in-home care, mortgaging the house if necessary or you and hubby move in.

sorry if my wording is confusing, she is currently in the skilled living area of the nursing home facility, they also have an assisted living area that is connected. in response to churchmouse i have no concern about her hiring help to come in the home, the problem is it is very expensive and she wouldnt be able to afford that, she is telling us now she will take a loan against the house to be able to afford to pay for it.

Why does your husband feel bad that his mom wants to go home with hired caregivers? If that is sufficient help for her and she has the funds, it's a good solution.

If she continues to fall, whether because of medical conditions or because of noncompliance with using a walker, she WILL end up in a NH.

What's wrong with her hiring someone to give her help at home? Sounds good to me. What's your concern about that?

I hope she gets over the UTI and pneumonia soon - byproducts of being in a nursing home?

When my mom fell and landed in rehab she would agree to caregivers in the home to get out of rehab but then refused to cooperate once she was home - it may take a crises to get her placed but try in home care or assisted living first - skilled nursing is really for the bedridden

Whoops -- that posted before I finished -- I was just going to say maybe if she has more time to improve, she could then move to Assisted Living ?

You have probably tried all these tactics already, but when we have had tough changes to make with Grandpa, we have had the most success when we let the doctor be the bad guy. They tend to respect doctors more anyway and then it doesn't put you in an antagonistic role. We also try to frame things in terms of our concern for his safety (usually it works, but not always) and not as us trying to take control away from him.

That's not much help but good luck!

If you won't move in (and you won't) she'll hire someone else to do it. Great idea! Encourage her to do that. When she realizes how much that will cost her and that it will be having in-home help, maybe assisted living will be more attractive.

Talk to the discharge planner at the rehab (or in the hospital, if she will be discharged from there rather than going back to the rehab) and make it abundantly clear that you will NOT be providing live-in care. Be firm. Practice before the meeting. Don't let them guilt-trip you or bully you. You have a right to make decisions that are best for you as well as for your MIL. You are not moving into your MIL's house. Suggest the discharge planner work with MIL to try to make other arrangements for in-home care. You are not providing it beyond the help you already provide, and that is not around the clock presence. After the meeting, send an email putting it in writing. "Thanks for your help and understanding. As we discussed we are not able to move into mother's house as she would prefer. We agree that she needs ongoing supervision, and we understand she is competent to make her own decision at this time."

MissGG, do you know whether your MIL has a new round of Medicare days for this second rehab stay, or is this stay a continuation of her first 8 weeks? I was wondering if you and your husband could buy some time by having her stay in rehab, as long as she is progressing, and just keep putting off the decision to admit her to the NH?

Not an option she's not willing to leave her house but ty for your input

I'd have her move in with me. Who wants to live in a nursing home? Anyone you know?

my SIL has taken care of her finances and her bills for the past 4 years and my husband and i clean her house and take her to dr appointments, like i said before she doesnt want any help to come in

geewiz, she is 81 everyone is really close, she lives alone her husband passes 4 years ago, we have tried to have help come in before she refused, she can afford the AL but if she would have to stay in skilled she wouldn't be able to afford it. She is telling us now if we don't move in with her she will hire someone else to do it... This is weighing so hard on my husband I wish I knew how to help him

We were hoping she would have progressed enough to go the assisted living but she's not, we had a hearing scheduled with the NH to discuss her progress but she was put in the hospital with UTI and pneumonia so we had to postpone it. I don't think the nursing home will release her to go home alone although my husband says she does seem to be trying and that she is walking with the walker in therapy so yes she is somewhat mobile but she only does enough to get released and when she goes home she regresses and just sits she won't hardly eat or shower

Ditto to what blannie is saying. Your hubby may start to waffle as moms condition deteriorates but insists staying in her home. Stay firm! Do not move in. In the past five plus years of looking after my parents I've made my share of mistakes. The one thing I am absolutely positive on - that I made 1000% the right choice - I never even considered letting my mother move in as she wanted. Your MIL may get crafty about it - apply the guilt - try every trick in the book - God knows mine did - hubby and you need to present a united front and just say "NO"!

Miss GG, There isn't much in the way of details here (like her age and how geographically close everyone is, finances etc.) So my big question is: Are there no other alternatives other than a nursing home or in her house alone? What about assisted living? Live in home health aides or companions? Day Care? Who cooks, cleans grocery shops etc for her now?

Just stay firm in not moving in with her! It sounds like you understand that is NOT a good choice for you. She can live her life as she chooses, but she doesn't have the right to make your lives miserable. Would she consider assisted living instead of the nursing home? It sounds like she's somewhat mobile...those are more like nice hotels (depending on the places you have nearby).

Thank you for your response, he is having such a hard time, but I know this is only the beginning of what is to come