Where does taking advantage cross the line into elder abuse?

I think it's Albania, where there are no boots on the ground and no elder abuse.

Maybe the Dad should not be taken across state lines for any reason whatsoever.

I think it's Alabama

I think we need a clarification of where the father is living. When I read that he lives in AL and the poster lives in IL, I immediately thought he's living in Assisted Living and she's living in Independent Living, then realized it might be that he's living in Alabama and she in Illinois, and that it's unlikely his daughter is actually in IL already.

Or maybe he is in Assisted Living and she's in Illinois.

Ideally, I'd meet this lady myself and talk to her. It may be that she thinks she's being helpful and doing as your father requests. It could also be that the gifts she is already supposed to have taken... well, what has she taken, and are you sure she has? I'd be surprised if the ALF didn't have rules about this kind of thing, so make sure of your facts before you do anything that might take her to task.

Speaking of which, why not call the management team of the ALF and ask if they're aware of what has been going on and what their policy is about staff members, whether their own employees or independent workers, taking gifts from residents.

In any case, someone needs to have a word with the cleaning lady. I doubt if she realises what a compromising position your father's generosity is putting her in; but there could be many factors at play in this situation.

The best sibling to visit is the one who would fight over the will.. Lol..

I would mention that this women may be taking monetary advantage of Dad..

I had just been thinking what Windy wrote. I think this would be an appropriate time for you to visit your father, assuming you haven't seen him since the funeral. You can offer to help him sort through your mother's things - that's a perfectly acceptable and normal task for a daughter. Then you can get a feel for what the relationship is with the "cleaning lady."

One of my parent's lifetime friends and my aunt both had very cordial and close relationships with their caregiver and cleaning woman, respectively. I met the caregiver at our friend's funeral and was very impressed with her care and compassion. Even though it wasn't our decision (since we weren't family) on disposition of assets, I couldn't imagine that there would be any question by her family of letting this woman choose some things for herself. She was in fact with our friend during her last days.

I'm wondering which members of the family were with your father during your mother's decline, last illness and funeral? Did they meet the cleaning woman?

In your situation, I just have the impression that judgment is being made from afar, and conclusions also being made without having all the facts. That's not a criticism, rather an observation. So investigate a little bit more.

This calls for some boots on the ground. Someone who's competent needs to go and check out your dads cognitive abilities and this lady's intentions. It may be innocent but lonely old guys often give away the whole kaboddle to some nice lady. Anyone got POA ? Do you need to get control of the money?

Putting myself in your position - I think I might try finding out a little more about this woman. If I could talk to others who use her and trust that it wouldn't get back to her or your father. Even Google her name - it's amazing the stuff that sometimes pops up. Even peek to see if she has a Facebook page. If she seems to be a decent person, perhaps talk to her - if you thought she would keep it private. Explain to her that dads greiving and shouldn't be making decisions - although she ought to know this. Tell her that SMs own children would like mementos of their mother. If talking to her doesn't feel like a good route, I'd try taking to dad. Using the same line of reasoning - he's greiving, kids would like to have something to remember mom/stepmom by. Is it possible for the son that lives relativly near by to become involved? Are your siblings aware of what's going on? Do they have an opinion? In the end, there might not be a whole lot you can do as your dad is a legally competent adult. Does anyone have POA for your dad? Having someone keeping an eye on his money would be smart to ensure he isn't giving this woman extra cash. Sorry - looks like a challenging situation, for sure.

Several neighbors use this cleaning lady, and I'm not sure who found her first or from where. Step mom has one estranged daughter, and one son out of state; and, I have two other siblings. Sister lives in CA and brother is 40 miles from Dad.

Do you know how your dad found this cleaning lady? A cleaning company, Craig's List etc? Also - does your step-mom have any children besides you ? This additional info would be helpful in formulating a reply.