My mother lives with us in a home we bought to accomodate her. She has been giving us 1/3 of what seems to be out monthly cost to run the home. She pay 1/3 of groceries and pays for internet service. She is better off financially than we are and it seems that she is living pretty cheaply, while we struggle. Where can we get advice to know if it would be proper to ask for more a month for all the care we give her?
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Re-reading, between the lines, she is paying " 1/3 of what s e e m s to be the monthly cost of running the home." If you want to understand the true cost of running a home, one would have to figure in the mortgage, insurance, taxes and maintenance, landscaping, gardening expenses-but then she is not the homeowner-is she? It gets complicated, especially more so if she contributed to the purchase. See a financial planner.
Keeping in mind, the elderly can be very wise and not want to spend more than first agreed, not liking changes-how will you convince her to stop screaming?
Refiguring, think of what you would want to be paying her if she was the owner of the home and she was getting the increase in equity.
Or, figure 1/3 of her income (or 1/3 of your income) should be the max budget for housing/ utilities/mortgage/rent. If that is more, that is just not good planning.
Separate the mortgage and expenses from the caregiving. If the house is shared, go by rooms and not by the number of persons. Bedrooms, or rooms designated for a specific person's use only, count that-it could be 1/2, or you could be getting more rooms and Mom only one. Figure then what a room rental would cost.
Get budget counseling-be sure you can afford the mortgage if Mom moves. If she helped with or made the down payment, then it appears you might be struggling to make up for what you did not pay as a down payment. Factor that in.
If you have issues, hire Mom's caregivers to come in and help. Take that from her funds.
There are so many ways to figure shared housing, shared expenses. Count your husband as 2 people when figuring groceries. ha!
Since there may be resentment in lifestyles building, expectations may be what is askew. With your new demands, please tell us here that you did not have her make the down payment.
Maybe things are unequal or unfair. But be sure to factor in gratefulness, generosity, and all that home ownership that will become yours in the future.
Would love to hear Mom's side of the story and her expectations. If your expectations are changed, or unfulfilled, then there is no shame in changing your mind, returning any investment she made, and providing a home and care for her commensurate with her income.
Best wishes. Why can't I be paid for my advice?
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Pam, your problem-solving skills don't cease to amaze me. Sometimes, when I read your posts, I say: "D'oh! ... Why didn't I think of that?"
The amount of money people collect from their parents for care is highly subjective and you will probably hear from those who wouldn't accept a penny. You can start by comparing the level of care she receives from you to the amount she would be paying for that same level of care elsewhere, be it IL, AL or skilled nursing. Most of us wouldn't ask for the full amount but it is a good starting point for negotiation. Also to consider,
are you paying a higher mortgage because you needed a larger home?
are you missing paid employment or using up your own vacation and sick days to take her to appointments?