Sibling told doctors I was neglecting my mom as caregiver. How do I defend myself?

Anoni, my GF and I just had this discussion. She works as a hairdresser at a local AL. She was talking about how they had doped up one of her clients to the point she couldn't keep her head up. The reason, she was hitting people. This becomes a danger to other residents and the staff. We can see why the med is used but not why they are given so much they can't function. The only way these drugs can be given is if the facilities Dr. prescribes it. The residents have legal rights.

Actually, @DoreenC, she does need to be concerned about APS. When I was refusing to allow them to dope my mother with antipsychotics, I had a charge brought against me for elder abuse. There are serious consequences to that charge that can affect whether or not one is allowed to work with the elderly in some way. I fought it tooth and nail. They would not tell me who had brought the charge against me. I ended up calling APS to file my own complaint. I was livid - I knew about the black box labelled drugs and they had my mother on 2 or 3 of them. They simply didn't want to deal with a nasty-tempered old lady. The drugs just doped her into a state that she couldn't even get enough fluids - she couldn't function at all. Contrary to my wanting her off the drugs being "abusive" - I saw what they were doing as abusive. You don't drug people simply because they're difficult.

I went through this with my mother. Another family member was inaccessible to sign POA over to me and I had to get Mom's signature plus 2 witnesses that were not family members. Mom also had to sign the form, even though she had been diagnosed with dementia. They had her on so many pills she was physically incapable of signing before - but eventually we got her off the pills and she could sign her name again - I collected the witnesses, and we got the medical POA changed (I was not interested in the financial end of it - only her care)

I am a little confused here. You never stated what your mother wants. What does she want? Does she have dementia? Can she make decisions for herself? If so, your mom needs to go to an elder care attorney, and let them know what she wants. That way its not you or your sisters wishes but your mothers wishes. If you mom can't make decisions for herself and you and your sister cannot work this out, than you may have to go to court and have a legal guardian assigned to her. This will be costly and the guardian doesn't have to be a family member.

If you did nothing wrong, I wouldn't worry about APS. I was in a similar situation. My 93 year old mother has Alzheimer's. I like your sister, took charge, moved my mom in with me, sold her house, took her to an attorney and have POA. Mom has lived with me for a year and a half. I now have her on the waiting list for Assisted Living. My older sister - who hasn't seen her mother in over 30 years (but has taken much of money during that time period); called APS and told them I was abusing my mother. I was investigated and I obviously wasn't. So I wouldn't worry about that.

Someone needs to be a mediator for you mom - maybe an attorney or geriatric care manager or a social worker to work with the two of you to decide what is best for your mom.

If ur Mom has Dementia/Alzheimers and its documented that she can't make decisions the POA cannot be revolked by her. She is not able to make the decision to change it. First, I would want to know why your sister did this. I would also talk to APS to see where u stand. People fall. No matter what u do to try and prevent it, it happens. I would want to get APS out of the way first. Second, take a break. If ur sister wants the responsibility, let her have it. She will find soon enough that taking care of a 92 yr old is not easy. I agre that an AL is a good option because ur Mom is only going to get worse.

If she has had dementia for 6 years then you would definitely challenge the authenticity of any change in DPOA

Several years ago - before my father passed - my 2 sisters made a surprise visit to see if they could catch me not taking care of our parents. I'm the oldest of their union and the one sister is from our father's first marriage. I was furious but didn't make a scene or blurt anything out. My younger sister sat with Pop and quizzed him as to his needs - he wasn't speaking clearly and he was upset because the older sister was sitting with Mom and literally verbally attacking her about medical insurance, etc. Pop has always been very protective of Mom and that upset him so much that it took me a good 3 days to get him settled down so we (myself, hospice & visiting Dr.s) could take care of him. I moved into their home after I retired and a friend of mine who also was retired had agreed to "house sit" for me during the interim. He takes care of my horses during the winter as well as the other little critters who need assistance throughout the year. About 2 weeks after they left I received a phone call from APS (Adult Protective Services) and we had a very interesting discussion. I explained that my sisters had no legal rights to the care of our parents, my parents gave me DPOA as well as their medical for their care so I could keep things going on an even keel. I invited APS out for an inspection, told them I had hospice and a visiting dr. group who were here almost every day and came immediately as they could if I needed any assistance. I administered all meds and my father was diabetic - I did the tests and gave the insulin shots. I also kept meticulous records my own along with hospice. APS turned me down on a visit and told me that APS works both ways and if my sisters kept bothering me about the folks care and the property that I was to file a complaint with them. Thank goodness I never had to. It has been 2 years now since my father passed and I'm still here with Mom who has developed Dementia/Alz. Very different from taking care of Pop - I'm not sure how much longer I can last in this situation since my 2 siblings (brother and sister) do not care for Mom at all. Brother hasn't contacted her since Pop died and my sister thinks I'm stealing Mom blind so made a quasi-sneaky visit a few weeks ago and started pulling her nonsense again. My lawyer has said to not engage her at all. From her emails after she got back home it is apparent she had absolutely no clue as to what is involved with taking care of person with Dementia/Alz - she thinks she does because she has had some experience with her friends parents, but the day in and day out care - that is a whole different story. I'm looking for the next step because I don't want to lose my own sanity from being so overwhelmed. If it were not for my friends, hospice, etc. . . . . . . . .

Did you list either of you as the primary DPOA or are ya'll jointly equal on it?

Also, she is getting advice from her in laws on which move to make next. Never thought my sister was such a snake. I've always been fair to her about everything as far as I can remember. But she's a "taker", the type that only "gives" if there's a return on it.

Yes, we both have DPOA and I believe she is using it. I drew up the documents in 2009 when I could tell mom's cognitive ability was on the decline so my sister or myself could step in right away in her defense. Guess it's backfired on me. I'm convinced she is gathering as much info as ole she can from mom. What I suspect is that she thinks mom has a whole lot of money that she doesn't know about and sense it's very possible mom won't be around another year she is taking brisk action to find out or get what she can. Sad thing is mom does not have much at all, definitely nothing to squabble over.

In light of all of this, I'd say that you need to see a lawyer. All this makes me wonder if your mother has been encouraged by your sister to make her the DPOA and the Medical POA over her?

Pamstegma... I won't be able to visit mom any time I like because my sister is moving 800 miles away in two months (and taking mom).

I agree with AL, but mom has very little funds. The extra she has in the bank and SS would be exhausted in 4-5 months. I know mom is alone at my sister's during the day. When I call mom, she says she doesn't know where she is. Mom just sits in her room. My sister took mom to the bank so she could access her accounts with her there. I've been close to mom all my life and know her very well. My sister has had other things to do in her life rather than pay attention to mom but insists mom likes being with her. After years of absence, she suddenly reappears. I'm doing all I can to help mom as I always have, but I know my sister is not being straight up with me and have caught her in several lies for which she could not back down admitted to. All in an attempt to make it seem she is superior.

Natalia, maybe mom would LIKE assisted living, lots of company her age, three meals a day and heat or cooling is always on. You can visit her any time you like. It might be a good move.

First, listen to Babalou. Her advice is right on.

Second, without a DPOA, your sister should not be finding out from the bank about your mom's finances or have the authority to sell the house.

Getting APS involved may have been your sister's tactic for getting someone else to be the BAD GUY to tell mom she can't be on her own any longer.

I'm curious what happened...you were ill yourself and couldn't get over to mom's? And she fell (which can happen anywhere), but because no one was around, she was on the floor for a while? And mom doesn't know how to work the heat anymore, because she has dementia.

Look, no one person can take care of a dementia patient, especially not from another household. Your mom can't live alone any longer, but you're still letting her drive the bus.

Try to make peace with your sister. And with APS.

I don't think AL would be a bad thing, in fact it might be good, but I think she'd prefer to be in a home environment with family. Just looking out for what makes her happy.

She was in the hospital due to tachycardia. She has A-fib. Plus she had a UT infection. Sister told hospital and doctors that there was no food in the house, the heater wasn't working, she had fallen - for which I have a clear explanation for.

My sister and I are both equally sole beneficiaries.

No, I want mom to move into my house now and where I wanted her to be for quite some time, but she refused and wanted to stay at her place which is only 5 minutes away and I see her every day. But my sister objects.

Why do you think that assisted living isn't the right move for a 92 yo whose had dementia for 6 years?

Why was your mom in the hospital ?

Can you discuss with social worker involved in her discharge ?

Are you the sole beneficiary of your mom's estate ? Is your mom competent to change her POA ?

I would think if you've been caregiver for 6 years and have taken her to doctor appointments then you would be able to argue your case to APS however if your mom is in her own house alone at 92 and has dementia and needs 24 hour care then that might be a problem