How do I handle my mother-in-law making up stories about me?

Not to beat a "dead horse".....most people with this type of disorder (I'm being kind, perhaps they're just mean people, but I have to hope that this all stems from something deep seated they never dealt with--) only see black and white in ANY situation. My MIL is just as angry today about something that happened 65 years ago as she was the day it happened. We are SO careful to nor bring up ANYTHING from the past she can possibly then string out into a "poor , poor pitiful me" reminiscence from 30, 40, 50 years ago. ALL the people she's mad at are dead (except for me). And she has to be RIGHT all the time.

My hubby contracted Hepatitis C from who knows where...and he was not dxed with it until about 25 years ago. We learned all we could about it, I was tested (negative) all the kids were (negative) so we just thanked our lucky stars and went on with life. Bad for him, his liver began to fail 11 years ago and we were given a dx of cancer and 6 months to live. Guess who got blamed for bringing this "filthy disease" into our lives? Me, of course. Hubby talked himself blue in the face trying educate mom about how someone who DOESN'T have it can't GIVE it to someone else. Instead of her being supportive in a horrible and trying time (hubby received a liver transplant in '06 and did 2 rounds of therapy, the 2nd cured him..) life was beyond stressful and scary for us and she did not do one single thing to help. Hubs was in and out of the hospital for 8 weeks, she never visited. Not even a card. What was the end result of this? She called and blamed ME for nearly killing her son. She won't drink the water at our house. She blames me for ruining her son's life, with absolutely no reasons to back that up.

Hubby still wants me to "make nice" with his mom and apologize, just to keep the peace. My thinking on this is: I was 19 when I met my hubby, Mom was 46. Who really should have had the skills to create a warm bond? Like I said, I am a GREAT Mil, probably b/c my own is such a pill. I am NEVER mean to her, never have been, never will be. Really? It's just terribly, terribly sad.

No contact is a good idea. After a couple of visited without my husband I stopped visiting alone. My MIL would tell my husband I said things I didn't. She would twist around what I said. He would come home and ask me if I said it. That would make me mad. He would say to me that his Mom exaggerated. He never came out with that she lied. But I realized that he knew what she was. She had a mental illness that went back to childhood. She couldn't not tell a lie. Especially to get out of something she didn't want to do. Just when I thought I had her figured out, she would do something. So, I only went to visit when my husband was with me. No problems and then my in-laws moved to Fla. She was good on her own until a few months before she passed at 92. A UTI put her in the hospital and then rehab. When she found she was being transferred to be near a son, she didn't get along with DIL, she lost the will to live and passed at th rehab.

NO CONTACT.

HowardD, One thing to do is count the blessing here - at least your BIL knew enough not just take what she said at face value!

MidKid, OMG. of COURSE Hubby should have stood up for you. Maybe someday he will witness it even though he really does not want to. It is painful to realize bad things about your own parents like that...but it really should not be LESS painful than deciding your wife is a liar. But he probably has never thought that through logically... you know this is the third time just this week I've wanted to use the phrase "head in the sand" - but really, I bet he is not thinking about how wrong it is to call you a liar, he's "thinking" (if you can call it that) "la-la-la-la I didn't hear that" so it didn't happen and he doesn't have to deal with it. Is couples counseling an option? She actually won't live forever, things could start to go down hill with her someday, and you will both need to deal with that, and if you want your sanity and your marriage to survive her it could help!

Midkid, my mother told me that Dad's mother hated her because my mother took her "baby" away. My dad was an only child and his mom doted on him. My parents eloped. I don't think my grandmother ever got over it. She shot and killed herself when I was 6, so I don't remember anything about her except a closed bedroom door when we went to her house. My mother still hates her. I've never heard a kind word about my grandmother. I wonder if your MIL feels that you took her baby from her. Some women are very competitive with others, even if it is their own DILs. There is no way to measure up, so after a while you just quit trying.

Wow--My MIL may be difficult to deal with, but she is not a part of my life, and since we don't "do drama" in the family, everything is under the table, all nastiness was whispered to me with no "witnesses". Just once I wish my hubby had heard the venom in her voice when she spoke to me.

It's all in the past. She made her bed, now she has to lie in it all alone. She is on good terms with only her daughter, and frankly, that's fine with the rest of us. The person she really ended up hurting was only herself.

I no longer care how she feels about me or what she says to her few friends. 40 years is just too long to carry a grudge (and I never knew WHY she didn't like me in the first place!)

Hi midkid 58 sounds like u and I could have a lot to talk about over cup of coffee lot in common I e know. My MIL for 38 guess that's why with my mil and her daughter living in another state and couldnot take
Mom because of the past history they couldn't get along so I ended up with both moms in my home raising my sister kid 3 months now 16 had enough of her lying to her daughter daughter showed her took mama to Ohio for a month visit went to doc first visit oh I had her so messed up her doctor where we live had been with her for 8 years mil is now 86
Started hanging her mess and screwed her up finely after all these years my hubby got mad and told his sister my
Wife had worked alone and an outstanding putting up with moms crap who the h..l do you think u are snd since u did that and without consulting us ucan just keep
Mom from now one he is ur responsibility sister in law single no children at home and has a part time boyfriend and she lived alone

These papers were actually hand written by the physician and nurse witnessed her actually kicking me and also hitting me while she was in the hospital her illness wasn't severe enough for delusions of on heavy altering medication either
All because I contradicted her (actually she just balled
Faced lied ) I gently corrrected her and then it happened good swift kick to cshin bruised up immediately then same again this tie fist to the arm another bruise they took pic
And wanted to put her in s senior care unit to evaluate
Her for 2 weeks Later on u fortunately I wish I would
Have for the both of our sake I have copies of the hand written doctors eval witnessed by nurse also a computer
Print out. But appreciate it uncle
Dave

Always listen to those gut feelings because I was gut feelings are right. Another thing to remember is your gut feeling may also be connected to your conscience, so never ignore those gut feelings because you don't want your conscience seared

Hi Midkid58,

Yes, there are some people you'll never win over, I've known of view of them in my life as well. What you described, I personally see as a big red flag, so I'm with you on this one and neither would I have ever married into the family either. Sometimes we must live and learn. I know, because I had to deal with multiple situations with mean and hateful people, so I know what you mean by never being able to win people over. We tend to stick around trying to fix the unfixable when really it's nothing we can fix. I can't tell you how many years of my life I have wasted at different times trying to be my best and do my best to no avail. I personally would've distanced myself from this toxic person and never had anything to do with them if I would've paid my way into the family, I would've come up with every excuse under the sun to avoid that person. If you only knew, I happened to be an abuse survivor who long since learned my lesson so I had other unfamiliar situations in which I had to learn other lessons with similar people, the situations were just different. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we think we can change someone because love really does conquer all and breaks the chains. However, sometimes love is just not enough, sometimes God must intervene and fix what we can't, but only if the person wants help. We must sometimes come to a point in our lives when we realize when someone just doesn't want to help. In fact, I saw a post on social media that states "holding on does more harm than letting go". I found this to be true, and from your description, so did you. I'm just sorry it took us so long to realize we would never be able to fix others who don't want fixed and what's partner is coming to a point of cutting ties with him and moving on. Letting go is the first step, and taking that first step is actually the hardest. Isn't that funny that we can never let go when we need to? Sometimes it takes a major crisis in our own lives that puts us in such a helpless position of forcing loose our grip on whatever it is we're clinging to the tightest. Other times we must come to a point in our lives of God revealing things to us. In my particular case, I felt like giving up and moving on but a part of me was still holding on. Then one day I awoke and God gave me a vision and showed me 20 years down the road from where I was at that time. In the version he showed me nothing would ever change with these particular people and that things weren't always stay the same with them. Right then was my turning point. Right then I made a 380 turn and I haven't looked back or missed these people ever since. The only thing reason I kept hanging on is because I was awaiting a positive change in the hearts of these people, a change only God knew would never come and he loves me too much to let me waste the rest of my life waiting for that change only he knew would never come. This is why I had that vision, God knew if I didn't know the real truth and the future of my situation that I want to waste the rest of my life trying to win them over. Sometimes we must come to a point of knowing what will be and what will not be. If you ever get a gut feeling about anyone later on, definitely listen to that feeling and don't ignore it because it's not in your head. I've made that mistake and I've been there so I know what I'm talking about. I don't know if you ever faced that feeling of knowing things with that person would never change, but if you have, now is the time to reflect on it and start listening like I had to when I went through my own share of struggles and learned my own lessons. I really don't know to this day if I was really supposed to be learning anything from it, but I ended up learning from it anyway whether or not I was supposed to. I hope my past experience with toxic people helps you in your healing. I'll give you a tip to follow, and I hope you remember this:

If you ever feel a "heaviness" in the air when someone enters your area, listen to that feeling, it's really a warning. If you ever have a situation where something just doesn't feel right feels very wrong, it probably is and you should run from it as fast and far as you can. There maybe some situations where you're running shouldn't be obvious, you may have to be very subtle for your safety. I have occasionally found myself in a few of those situations, and it's actually better to be subtle than to be obvious. In fact being subtle is my first choice, my absolute go to choice for avoiding unfavorable situations when I get a gut feeling. I think those gut feelings are actually gone warning us when somethings not right, but if you're not really familiar with being able to make a connection as that gut feeling as God's warning, you may find yourself thinking it's all in your head and you may plow straight ahead, and sometimes right into danger that God was trying to protect you from. Always listen to those gut feelings because I w

My MIL HAS no dementia, but has been "carrying tales" about me for over 40 years. She didn't want my husband to marry me, and I knew it. I really thought I could eventually win her over with love and patience....never happened.

40 years later, my husband tells me it's up to ME to mend the relationship--mind you he has NEVER ONCE stood up for me or called her on her lies. He has a very limited relationship with his mom. ALL gifts, remembrances of holidays, birthdays and mother's day have been my doing and he delivers them, or she makes a fuss about what "my son" gave her. No thanks to me. She hasn't noticed my birthday, Christmas checks are given to my husband, made out to him...the list goes on.
8 years ago, when my hubby was undergoing a brutal chemotherapy regimen and I was working 40+ hrs per week AND taking care of hubby, our home and a foster child, MIL called me up and said she couldn't handle the stress of having me in her life so she "opted out" of a relationship. I was honestly relieved. She hasn't really spoken to me since.

She has been a thorn in my side for over 40 years. She's never going to die and she sure won't let the dislike for me ever die. Hubby has never believed me with the amazingly awful things she has said to me b/c in his words "I didn't HEAR her say them to you, so I can't accept that she would".

Had I known how difficult this was going to be, I would not have married my husband. That's how mean and backbiting she's been. In retrospect, I never did a single thing to irk her...sometimes, people are just mean. Period. I would love to blame this on dementia, or something, but she gets it in her mind that certain people are bad and that's it. You can never redeem yourself. The only "saving grace". if there is one, is that she doesn't like ANY of the inlaws---hates me the most, but at least I am not alone.

All you can do is live your life, keep your chin up. The truth eventually rises to the surface.

so, Michael, what exactly is your role with your dad?

Paraphrasing one of my favorite contributors to knowledge network groups
Attorney at law Kevin P. Keane:
"records not reduced to writing, are NOT worth the paper they ain't written on".

Right people gonna believe the bad first with my
Mil even though it was all documented her lies on me thru home health and docs the family still chooses to believe her thank God I made sure all was on proper record

My 81 year old mom with Alzheimer's does the same thing...whenever she cannot find something, it is because (name) took it. The only thing you can do is keep in touch with the in-laws; they should know not to believe her because she is likely saying the same type of things about them; always be nice and bring a treat or card when you visit. And if you do find another person whom you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, good for you!

continuation of post....When my mother's driver's license was taken away (for driving through someone's yard and erratic behavior), mom told everyone who would listen that I was in "co-hoots" with the police to get her license taken away. I believe that she is angry about her condition and needs to blame someone for the problems she is having.....it might as well be me because, no matter what, I will always love her! When she has times that I am in her good graces, she is extremely complimentary of me....I've learned to really appreciate the good days and let not take the bad days so personally!

This is an ongoing problem with my 80 year old mother also....everyone familiar with dementia tells me to "not take it to heart" and "remember how she one was" but sometimes it is very difficult to be on the receiving end of an endless barrage of untruths. I especially loved the answer regarding "confabulations". When my mother's driver's license was in taken away, according to

Debdaughter, the estranged sibling is my sister.

Michael, his sibling or yours?

Both of my parents are in their early 90's and they both have advanced dementia.
My father is in a Veterans Home and I live with my mother. Daddy sometimes thinks about things that aren't true, like people stealing. However, Mother invents or reinvents anything and everything on a regular basis. It is part of the process of aging. We have learned to take what she says and let it slide on by. As long as the family understands that what your MIL is saying has very little basis in reality in will be much easier for each of you.

Sorry for your loss. As far as your current problem, the best way I know is to live your life in a manner that no one would believe bad stories about you. If you feel the need, you could tell the family you are not doing those things but I would not bring up/trash the liar in any way.

Sometimes. My father walled himself off from the family. He has never been self-aware. I know him better than he knows himself. I know why he perceives things the way he does. He has mistaken the attention he is receiving for his health as interest in his point of view. An estranged sibling who has been particularly troublesome eats up anything negative about other family members.

so is your dad telling these people things about you?

Addional...

I am speaking of the one with dementia and anyone who would accept what anyone else says as truth without looking for the truth and drawing conclusions using their own mind.

I gave up defending myself against the warped minds of family members. The people who could see things more realistically have all died and what is left are people who gather together and feed off of one another's ignorance. If they can agree on something so it is the undisputed truth. A growing problem I have is the repercussions of dealing with this. Without support I feel like a villain and walk around feeling like a bad person. It creeps into my relationships outside the family. It effects my ability to take care of my father and to perform my job at work. I think you need a support group or see a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist.

I don't think you should visit her at all. Next time she will say you sexually assaulted her or beat her or both.

I can see how these things happen, Howard, because I see them a good bit. MIL has a thought that after her daughter is gone, then you won't be around so much. She will miss you. Then she imagines that you told her that you weren't. Then she tells someone and they say that it sounds like you're divorcing that side of the family. She remembers this and tells people you said this. The only grain of truth to the story was the loss of your wife (her daughter). The rest was invented in her mind and became "real" conversations. She probably doesn't even know that she invented the story herself by now. In my mother's case when she fabricates a story it becomes the new truth, replacing all truths that existed before it.

Chances are she'll forget her new truth over time or it will be replaced. That is the way it always happens with my mother. The only concern is to make sure that the fabricated stories don't cause any harm. That can be prevented by good communication -- something it sounds like you have with your in-laws.

BTW, when someone has dementia, time gets distorted. You might come over one day and the next day MIL will think you haven't been there for weeks. Maybe that is going on and made her think you were distancing yourself, leading to the thinking she had about you divorcing, etc. We never know what goes on in the mind when truth and sense of time is distorted.

Tell the BIL it's all fabrication. I am surprised that he's listened to it. As far as the repeating of things/stories=MOST ELDERS DO IT!

It sounds like you're already on the right path by limiting your visits. I personally wouldn't visit her at all, (but that's just me). What you need now is the support of people who know you best and know the real truth, those are the people you really want to talk to. What I personally would do if I personally was in a situation is immediately confront the situation as soon as I heard it start. Regardless of whether or not the person is I found mine doesn't matter to me, I hate being lied on and I just won't tolerate it no matter who it is. If you only knew the abusive background I had to live through many years, you'd understand the reason why I am the way I am because I just can't stand when people make up stories about me. I've already been in your shoes to some extent or another because there have been people even in my town who have gossiped about me behind my back, so I understand. Yes, people would rather do it behind your back rather than to your face because I know you'll stand up to them, so again, yes I understand what it is to have stories made up about me. This is also why I can honestly say you're already on the right path of protecting yourself through limiting your visits. Again, I personally wouldn't even visit at all in that situation. I would just turn to my support network and even to God in prayer because it really helps to talk about what hurts at the time it does. Don't let that hurt build up or you'll only end up exploding later, and trust me when I say this, it's really true. Don't just suck it up and move on without dealing with the hurtful issue. Think of it as getting sand in your eyes, you wouldn't just leave it there, you'd immediately get it out, which is what you should do whenever something hurts you emotionally. Don't let those hurts stay in you like smoldering rags because again, it will only cause a fire later in the form of an anger explosion. Another thing I must advice is don't go through this alone, there's power in numbers! Let your support network help you deal with the problem and the person causing the problem, don't go it alone, get help.

I am not saying this to be glib:

Thank God every day that this is not your real mother, that she still has a living child, and that you are not responsible for her.

There are very few stories here with a silver lining: yours is one of them. You can walk away. Stay in touch with the brother or anyone else if you care to. Focus on yourself and the rest of your life.