What can I do to keep sisters from sabotaging my care of our mom?

Hi DWMack,
I am your next door neighbor over here in West Hartford. Your story is so much like mine these past 3 years. My two older brothers could have cared less about my mom when it came to visiting, letter writing, and calling for decades. I pleaded with both of them for help and their answers were to hire strangers. What a disappointment for our mom!
I personally needed their support, their time, and most of all their love. None of which happened, yet I kept begging them. Mom has taken them both out of all legal documents, including the will. She talks/complains about what they did to her and no apologies or understanding of her position. It is so sad to see someone as wonderful as her have so much pain, anger, and resentment toward two people that are her flesh and blood. It is killing me, but I do my best to just let her vent and also to try to distract her and have her do others activities to fill her thoughts. I keep trying....

If you are interested in writing or grabbing a coffee at West Farms, I would be willing to meet you and listen to your situation and give any suggestions I can think of....
I am on your side.
Kate

DWMack42, you're not really giving anyone here a reason to be against your siblings except your anger so it's hard to align with you against them without knowing what they did or didn't do to earn your anger. At least, you and the siblings were fighting to give her a decent living instead of ignoring her. Now, the only thing left is to split the estate. Most people who care for the parent or parents think they should have the total estate because they, alone, took on the responsibility and care of the aging parent but it should have been set up in the beginning what was going to happen instead of after the parent passed away. Anyone in this same predicament should see an elder attorney first, have all options explained in detail and get all of the family to see exactly what is needed to give the parent the best care possible and how it's going to be paid. Those who share in the responsibility, should share in the estate. Those that don't have time to put in the care, should put in the money to pay for care unless dire circumstances prevents them from sharing, such as being in prison, handicapped, etc. The parent who is receiving the care should dictate what happens to THEIR money, THEIR home, and anything else of value. The time to complain is BEFORE the parent is bedridden and has only a few days or weeks to live and while they have some semblance of intellect to make a decision. From what you wrote, I would question your motives since everyone else is at fault and everyone turned against you. Why is that? At long as your mother is being cared for properly, why don't you want your siblings involved? Is her estate large? Is that what is behind all the anger?

Yes, please give us more details about your situation. Right now your environment sounds much like mine was, and still is now that Mom has passed. My mom was willing to give me guardianship which I would have done had it gotten much worse. I had helped take care of my Mom while she was in her home and then moved her in to mine. My siblings were the same. Never saw her, never visited, could have cared less as long as everything was taken care of. Once they were told that she wasn't expected to live after four years with me (she had a heart attack and stroke) they suddenly thought they had power of attorney over her and figured that if they aligned with each other they could do what they wanted over the top of me. I had been caring for Mom 24/7 for years. Mom knew what was going on and she was the one who made the decision to live with me. Once the siblings thought she wasn't expected to live for long they thought they had control over her. Her power of attorney was only a financial power of attorney, never a medical one. I can understand why she kept it that way. It blew my mind to see them in action. Mom suggested the guardianship, but I told her I would handle it without her doing that. I knew the siblings would accuse me of forcing her to do it anyway. In hindsight I wish Mom and I would have seen a lawyer versed in elder law so that Mom and I could have been counseled on what we could have done in writing so that her wishes were as she chose rather than me fighting with my siblings to make sure Mom had the life she wanted. I wasn't sure of all of the options either or what legally would have kept her where she wanted to be, other than me fighting for it to be so. As it stands now I have been accused of all kinds of stuff because I stood up to the siblings. Now that she is deceased they have aligned together for the estate. It is hard to watch since they never paid a bill, never wanted to know what was going on, or did anything helpful in all those years. Having to deal with their nonsense is like having a thorn in my side. They created so much drama and chaos during my Mom's last few months that it is still hard to look at them and see anything else. That is why Mom asked if she needed to sign guardianship to me to make it stop. Even if you are close as a family I think it is good to speak to a lawyer and have them explain the options to an elder so that they can know what their rights are, and they can make legal decisions for their future. They have the right to decide how they want to live, where they want to live, and to have a quality life based on their choice. It is good to have things in writing and legal for the person being cared for, and to have those put in place so no one can revoke them or do as they please. I thought my siblings and I would never be this way when Mom got older. Her wishes were very simple and it has turned into a nightmare. It started when they knew she didn't have long to live and continues even though she is deceased. If I had to do it all over again, I would have made time to seek someone out that could help explain our options so that her wishes were met to the tee.

think we need more details.

Having a personal therapist for your own frustration, anger, and disappointment could end up being the most worth the expense. People in your life just are who they are, and at least they are showing up here and there for something or other. The anger in yourself resulting from all these inevitable interactions can wear you out and use you up worst of all. More lawyers and more court events will not alleviate these feelings which are hard to experience while trying to give something to Mom in the remainder of her life.

What things have the siblings done to sabotage care for your mother?

Document, document, document everything and get the advice from an attorney.

You hire a lawyer and go back to surrogate's court with proof of need.

Why weren't you at the hearing?