I need weekends off but stepdad won't allow caregiver into the house! Should I feel guilty and stay home?

This is always a tough situation. Your stepdad is exerting control and dominating the decision on whether you should have the right to relief on the weekend. It should be a mutual one, ideally, but from the posts I read here, the elder person generally is so adamant and resistant that he/she takes charge and prevents a reasonable discussion and resolution.

Time for some therapeutic fibbing:

1. I'm assuming you don't spend all day long every weekday with him; take some time off (few hours or so), and when you return tell him you saw a doctor who's concerned about your health and advised you that you could have some serious complications if you don't have time off. Don't give him any more details.

Put on you best worried countenance, perhaps shed a tear or so, and let him know you're scared.

2. If he resists, you may have to be forthright and add that your doctor advised you to take time off or you won't be able to continue caring for him. Let that sink in, then ask who he would like to take care of him if/when you become too ill. Don't give him a chance to respond; leave the room or the house b/c otherwise he's likely to accuse you of not being devoted, or make some other nasty accusations.

3. Address your stepsister's anticipated meddling up front. Text or e-mail her (and keep copies for documentation purposes) advising that you need to have free time for yourself and ask her what her plans are to come and spend the weekend with your step-dad. Put her on the spot - if she reported you to APS, you have the right to be pro-active and defend yourself.

4. Text or e-mail your step-brothers as well, not to lay the groundwork for retaliation as step-sister might, but because they seem to be legitimately concerned and realistic.

5. I would also contact the local police and ask about doing a wellness check; if they can't, ask APS if they can send someone. And document the calls.

To be concerned about being held responsible is laudable, but you CANNOT be responsible for someone who will not cooperate with you. Stepdad has to shoulder the blame for this.

You might even pre-empt step-sister's manipulation and contact APS yourself and ask what kind of support they can provide (they won't, but ask anyway) since you need relief and stepfather refuses to accept caregivers.

6. You have a right not to be held hostage, but it will be hard on you to assert that right b/c stepfather will challenge if not intimidate you, and stepsister is lurking in the wings to report you. But you can't let them ruin your life.

7. Stepsister actually has no right to demand that you be in attendance 24-7. Not only is it unreasonable, but unless she herself is paying you, she doesn't have legal standing to tell you what you and can't do. She's a real bully, it seems.

If you're as distressed as I think you are, you might even have to really go to a doctor, to urgent care, or to the ER if you become too stressed out.

Good luck. I can tell from your post that it isn't going to be easy to stand up to the dominating people.

Overwhelm- forgive me for giving side advice. Are you being paid for taking care of your stepfather? If not, please discuss this with your stepbrothers and/or stepfather- whomever controls the money. I realize you say it's not about money for you, but you've got to be practical about your own future. It seems everyday there is a post here from some poor, well intentioned soul who upon the death of their care recipient finds them self broke and homeless. All of a sudden previously grateful siblings want them out of the house asap so it can be sold and the people who are in the will can get their money. Inheritance seems to bring out the worst in people and you need to look after yourself. I realize at this point your more concerned with getting a weekend off, but please to keep what I've said in mind.

I agree with comments above. If step dad has dementia, as you say, he can't be in charge of vetoing care decisions. If he needs his meds and no one is there to administer them....that's troublesome. I would be concerned as to how that would be viewed, plus, it's his health that would suffer. I would arrange for care and if he is resisting by not allowing them in the house, then someone else will have to be there to let them in and ensure they have access to provide him care.

Are you still providing care for your mother too? I saw that on your profile. I didn't see any update with information about her. If she is sick, she may not be able to help with his care either.

Overwhelm, I read your past post, and if evil stepsister is still hovering trying to get the house, yes it's true; she tried to call in elder abuse based on outdated milk, and if something happens while you are away she will pounce again. If he has been deemed unsafe to leave alone, he should not be left alone, and that's a lot better ammunition than outdated milk. He is either OK to be on his own brieflly or he isn't...what kind of objective evaluation or recommendation do you have either way? The key questions are things like - can he independently call for help in an emergency? - is he likely to either wander off somewhere, try to drive without a license, or set the house on fire by neglecting something in the kitchen? - can he re-position himself in bed, or will he fall if left to walk around unsupervised?

And yet, you should not be "on house arrest" 24 x 7 x 365, so the need for him to let a caregiver in should trump his desires and misjudgements. (I also understand from past posts he is considered incompetent.) It sounds like you have to arrange for the caregiver and let them in, advise them that he is considered incompetent so he does not have the legal right to throw them out.

And not to be mean, but it sounds like stepbrother has his head in the sand.

No, my Stepdad didn't leave anything in his will but I don't care about money! He is very rich but cheap, I just feel guilty leaving him alone plus if something happens my stepsister will blame me she already has accused me with her husband of elderly abuse. if you look at some of my old posts. Its been a really rough road!

Take the weekends off. You have the blessing of your stepbrothers. If your stepfather refuses the caregiver and there's an accident of some kind as a result of your stepfather being alone it won't be your fault. You can't devote your entire life to caring for someone. You need time off. You stepbrothers are aware of your dad's feelings about the caregivers, they've given you the green light, now go on and have a nice weekend off. If anything should happen it will not be your fault.

You live with your stepfather? Does he have money? I hope you will not use your own funds to pay for the caregiver. (And I hope you are in his will, and that everything isn't going to be left to your stepbrothers.) I read on this site all too often of caregivers who give all to end up with nothing.

Of course you need to get out. Arrange for the caregiver and GO. He will need an outsider full time if you allow yourself to burn out, something that is inevitable if you sentence yourself to permanent house arrest.

No the stepbrothers live quite a ways and my stepdad does have a right but he has Dementia and I give him his medication everyday.

It should not be about guilt, but about your Dad being allowed to refuse care if it is putting him in danger. If it is, and you can't be there 24 x 7 x 365, he does not have a right to make decisions that require you to try to do that with no end in sight.

Will the stepbrothers at least check on him, if they do not stay full time, maybe alternating weekends? How bad is his judgement and how safe can you make the home for him?