When is it time to get parents to move out?

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MaryHelen Asked June 2016

When is it time to get parents to move out?

My parents say they want to die in their home. My dad is 95 and mom 89. The house is falling apart .Dangerous inner city home. Dad falls due to neuropathy. Mom in control of finances,late on bills gives to charities., Orders catalog items and hides them from husband. Lending credit card to dead beat son. She's a hoarder. Can't drive at night but still drives.Rats and mice in home. refuses help from anyone.Son won't deal with them . I have been working with them for 7 long years to prepare for this stage in life. Doctor thinks they are remarkable for their age. I see they are great socially with everyone and whats really happening at home is overlooked.A person from church has weezled his way into their lives and taken place of family members in making decisions and influences bad ones. He does all sorts of projects around the house they can't afford. I am in a different state and can't keep up with whats really happening. When I do go to visit it turns out to be about a 2-3 month stay due to living conditions .All their so called friends are missing to help and they think I am making all this stuff up.My parents argue with my brother and he backs down saying they are hard headed He only helps when it is convenient for him. I am at my wits end and feel guilty for fighting with them. but, If I don't try who will.I am fighting for their independence and health .I have done the best to keep them in their home for as long as possible but, something has to change. Dad fell really bad last month and ended up with surgery and rehab. He's home now and having a lot of problems and mom doesn't quite get it and isn't noticing his decline in health won't call the doctor. Winter is coming and in NY State, it can get pretty bad. They need to get out of there for their safety and my sanity. Am I being a over controlling daughter? I feel so guilty about making them angry with trying to help. While I am there I have a limited time to help and make changes so they can stay there bit longer but it stresses them out so much they won't even call me when my dad was in the hospital for 5 days and needed surgery because they don't want me to know how bad it is up there.

Family Caregiver

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score 2 · Answer 1

I hear ya Jessie, but I'm thinking about how much richer MY life would be if my FIL moved into some sort of senior living arrangement. He sits alone, all day in My home, watching television, but claims he's perfectly happy and not a bit depressed. After I arranged home PT to help him gain some strength back, as he was falling frequently, he had six weeks with some good progress even, but PT discontinued due to his plateau of progress. They left him with great suggestions for continuing the exercises, but he has stopped doing these even, and I can see him backsliding back into being completely sedentary, and all that work, for not! I am not going to be the one who nags at him to exercise, so when he falls next, then I will remind him that it probably could have been prevented, had he only kept up on his exercises. This will also be used as a opening to the discussion about moving into a safer environment where he can be better monitored. His coming to live with us obviously was not a well thought out plan! When he originally came to live with us, we had just lost 3 parents in 14 months, and I clearly wasn't thinking properly! 12 years later and him spiraling downward, it's time to think about the next phase for him and us! I want our lives back. We are retired and want to start enjoying it, but he is holding us hostage in our own home. We would like to sell our home even, but I refuse to move into a new condo with him, as I couldn't imagine living in even tighter conditions! There is no easy answers, but it does help to write it out sometimes! Hubby is hwll bent on selling next spring, but hubby is the one who will need to hash this out with his Dad, as it's not my Monkey! Ugg, what a mess!

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score 3 · Answer 2

This evening I thought about how much richer my mother's life would be if she would only move into a community. I feel guilty because I don't want to spend more time with her. It drives me crazy to just sit and do nothing. We aren't very good company for each other, since we don't really get along well. My parents' decision to hole up in the house has lowered the quality of both their lives and mine. My mother wants to live the way she wants, though, so she won't go into a facility until something catastrophic happens. It is probably that way for many older people. They want to sleep and eat on their own schedules, and don't want to change out of their pajamas on most days. It is better for one of their children to come in to take care of them. I think it is sad to live alone like that, but what do you do when they won't leave their homes? All we can do is decide how much we're willing to do.

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score 2 · Answer 3

I also agree with Windy and Jessie.... we just have to wait it out until there is a crises or two or three... and even then one's parents could be so stubborn that common sense is thrown out the window.

My parents refused to move... I even toured a wonderful 55+ retirement village that I thought was perfect. My parents could easily afford the place, and some of the apartments had the same square footage as my parents single family home... and as I told Dad, wouldn't it be great that if you needed to have something fixed in the apartment, you just pick up the phone and call maintenance.

Yeah, my folks thought the above place sounded great and the brochure was nice... maybe in a couple of years.... COUPLE OF YEARS???... good grief, my parents were already in their mid-to-late 90's !!

My Mom was going to die trying to prove she and my Dad could manage in their single family home.... and she did. That finally was the crises to which a couple weeks after Mom's passing, Dad was ready to pack and move to senior living.

So, buckle that seat belt, you are in for Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, and the ride isn't going to stop any time soon.

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score 2 · Answer 4

Windy said everything that I was going to say, so I won't repeat. We can only do as much as our parents will let us do if they are not legally incompetent. To try to talk them into something more is usually just met with resistance. There will come a time, though, when there is a need for change. All we can do is wait until that time.

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score 4 · Answer 5

Oh lord, does this sound familiar......

My folks are much like yours but maybe not quite as bad....yet.

I'm also a long distance caregiver and the last living child. There's several things to consider.

My folks are in that stubborn denial stage but they are not " legally" incompetent. But for all practical purposes they have no judgement anymore. I can't force them to do anything so I do as much as they will allow. My mom just had a bad fall and refused to let me have a home RN visit. Fine....

For me, this has been going on for five years or more, and each time I make the 12 hour trip I tell my wife "THIS IS THE LAST TIME! THEY'RE GOING TO ASSISTED LIVING D@MN IT!

But I always come home, exhausted and grouchy, and the folks are still stumbling around in their nasty little house. So I'm just waiting them out. There will be a bad fall, head injury, diabetic coma etc. that will force the issue.

Another point.....Pick your battles. The nasty old furniture used to drive me nuts. I've tried everything to get them to let me buy some new stuff. They have plenty of money. I would get soooo stressed out. Now? What do I care. They don't mind the crappy furniture.....fine with me. We have different standards than the elderly. Hell, I had different standards than my folks for 40 years.

There is no easy answer for this stuff. You situation is complicated by the brother. My advice is to hold back a little, quit beating you head against the wall, take care of yourself and your family.

You may at some point have to get guardianship to protect these folks from themselves or just notify APS that you're out of the mix.

In my case, it's just a matter of which parent goes down first.....Dad with his worsening dementia or mom with her multitude of health problems. Then, I'll do what has to be done.

I'm not suggesting you ignore everything but you have to have some breathing room and accept the realities of eldercare. There is no cure or magic wand. It sucks. But don't let it consume you.

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When is it time to get parents to move out?

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