What understandings should family members consider when one member is planning to move to take care of an aging parent?

Don, may I ask if your daughter is currently working? How much will she lose by quitting work and the cost of losing benefits at her job? Would she need to sell a house to move to Florida? Does she have a spouse or grown children/grandchildren she will be leaving behind?

It is great that your daughter wants to come to help take care of her mother, but I wasn't wondering if you are able to pay your daughter, couldn't you pay an agency caregiver or a caregiver who is self-employed? These women are highly trained for all types caregiving issues. It's not their first rodeo.

Is your daughter a senior citizen? Why I ask, once we [grown child] become a senior ourselves we run into our own age decline, aches and pains, etc. And being a caregiver at that age will age her drastically depending on how long she will be living with you. Believe me, I know :(

These are things one needs to address.

donwin4, you are so thoughtful about your daughter. She is lucky. The advice about consulting an elder care attorney about drawing up an employment contract was good. An attorney will be aware of the type deductions and payments you will need to make for SS, Medicare, and taxes. He/she will also know how to avoid future problems with Medicaid if you might need to apply for it. Since your daughter is there, she'll be able to help with the paperwork as long as you are able to sign on what she has done. You may want to ask the attorney if it would be best to have your daughter as POA of finances, or if under the conditions you should assign it to someone else.

From what you wrote, it sounds to me like everyone will benefit from what you're doing. Please remember to write your daughter in some vacation days, so she can enjoy some respite time. Good luck getting everything working smoothly. The first time doing the paperwork will be challenging, but it is easy from there.

A little bit of my experience. 12 years ago, My FIL (now 86) moved in with my husband and I, right after his wife passed away, he was pretty healthy then, but now, not so much! Over the course of time, you must remember that everyone is aging in place, even your daughter and her own medical issues may come into play. Please make sure that Yes, you have your caregiver agreement in place, plus the medical and probably the financial POA's in place, and that you build in time for your daughter to have a set time off daily, so that she can recharge her own batteries, and additional time/days off per week, even if that means that you have to hire addition caregivers. Respite is another thing, she deserves a vacation every year, at least one, so that she still has something to look forward to, and has time to build a life outside of caregiving, remember, she's still young, is moving into a whole new community, and will want to build some friendships outside the home and she deserves this! Nobody can do caregiving 27/7, so if you start off respecting each other's personal space and time, it is certainly doable. I know that she is coming to help out of Love for you both, and that is a beautiful thing! This is why we are doing it too!
Unfortunately, we Did Not implement these recommendations I say to you, and have paid a steep price, as we Never get time away, which has led to some deep resentment. It's difficult to go backwards, when you get stuck in a rut! And now trying to change things up, makes it very difficult to have honest conversations especially with my FIL, who is now beginning down the road of probable dementia, he is certainly becoming forgetful, and has requires assistance with ADL's, meal preparations, and of course management of all of his medical and financial issues.

I helped to take care of both my parents, through several very difficult years of very trying illnesses, until they passed away. Thank God I was one of 6, who were all on the same page, who had healthy and loving relationships with our folks, and we all had the same desires to keep them together, and out of a nursing home. Even with 6 of us, it was difficult, so respect that at some point, this job caring for your wife, may become more than she alone can handle, even with your help. Good luck, and I hope your wife's health, continues to improve and that your situation works out for all parties!

If your daughter is working and is satisfied with her job, there could very well be a drastic change in her own self confidence and outlook. Working for pay in a competitive environment, being a part of the work force, interaction with co-workers in similar fields all can yield emotional and intellectual support.

No criticism of caregiving, but it doesn't offer that same level of support, and it is frustrating and confining. There's also quite a difference from being a respected worker/co-worker, offering services to clients or others in a corporate department, and finding one's primary interaction outside the family to be medical people, not all of whom are as sophisticated as they could be. But there's also the fact that the services provision status is reversed. Your daughter would be the client, not the provider, when dealing with medical people. That can take a lot of adjustment.

However, it's good that you recognize the need for a caregiver contract and for payment. It would be a good idea as well to factor in some relief time, vacation time, and back-up support if your daughter begins to burn out.

I'm not criticizing you; just offering some opinions from someone who's really missing working in the field of my choice and tired of dealing with poorly run medical practices and inefficient staff.

God bless you, sir, for thinking of this in advance. So many don't! Well begun is half done: I hope you both and your daughter are able to make plans that suit everybody. Please let us know how you get on, and perhaps refer your daughter to this site for future reference?

Thank you for all the input. Answers to some of the questions: My daughter (one of 6) is 62, has a job but not feeling great about it- making minimum income. Has a home but not much equity and nothing else to keep her there. She wants to move here to Florida anyhow. She needs about 3K per month to live. That I can do for several years but then? At 87 questionable. My wife is expected to leave the rehab being able to dress herself, go to the bathroom, eat, and shower all with some help. My family has promised her she would not be put in a nursing home even if we have to move north and live with someone.

Make an appt. with an Attorney who specializes in Elder Law asap... You should have her as you medical/financial POA.. Have the attorney write up a caregiver contract..


This way if you need to apply for medicare these expenses will be approved as legitimate expenses...

Here's a little something from AC on caregiver contracts, with an example.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/personal-care-agreements-compensate-family-caregivers-181562.htm

I think it's wonderful of your daughter, that she wants to help her Mom. No amount of financial or legal or whatever roadblocks would keep me from doing so. It has been an honor and a privilege to help care for my Mom to the best of my ability. I don't know the answers to your questions sir. I helped care for my Mom, I did have both POAs, but my father and I never drew up any kind of agreement. I was not paid except for reimbursement of expenses. To me it was a pure act of love and as such money does not factor into it. Did it cost me financially, yes! Do I care, No! My peace of mind after she is gone is worth more than all the money in the world. God Bless you sir and your daughter. Enjoy this special albeit difficult time that you all have together.

I find it interesting that we all read into what is written. I made the assumption that it is not a burden to the daughter to move in, yet many addressed her leaving her job etc. These should be taken into account if so! However often it can be mutually advantageous for an unemployed person to be caregiver for a loved one. I have found that it can start out that way and then devolve into a sitation where the caregiver feels trapped. So having a written agreement is great, and I saw on another post a link to just such agreements. I must assume some would apply to when pay is involved and some agreements would be advisable even if no pay is involved, in either case, assumptions can be made that seem insignificant but if the situation lasts many years, and I'm sure you are hoping that it will, little differences in interpretations will be magnified over time.
cetude, in our case, taxes would be a lifesaver for the caregiver who would otherwise have no ss to fall back on if the patient did not pay them.