1misfit Asked July 2016

Mom is getting worse and we are arguing more and more.

don't have any real support from 2 brothers, jumped in without thinking it through,feels like I'm causing more trouble, I have decided to go to school to become a MA not sure if that is feasible with all that is going on with my mom she wants to do everything herself and my brothers think I am not really serious or just complaining and or plain lazy. The reality is I am living in her home and working my butt off with no help because the one brother keeps saying "you brought her home and said you would be able to take care of it" yet still doesn't seem to want to pitch in to help. Yes I was reacting to my moms constant desire to go home where she thought she would be happier and seems to be worse always complaining and now I need help I can't do it all and my family doesn't see how much work I am doing 24 hours a day. I want to follow my dream to be a caregiver or nurse or some sort. Yet, I am overwhelmed with resentment and guilt from family. Years of my own problems, the effects it had on my siblings and parents are not helping matters. I have grown up a lot since, I am not the same person. Today I am responsible and growing daily. Working hard to spend quality time with my mother and afford to go to school. My source of income right now is MOM. One of my brothers says he won't forgive me and is very judgmental of me and puts me down I am working towards a better life and have no help. What should I do? It' just killing me inside. I am the only girl and the youngest of 4. My dad passed away Jan. 2015. Mom finally showed me emotions and shed tears, expressing her pain and loss. I don't want to be a bad daughter. I want to spend time with my mother and care for her.. Her rules are overbearing no privacy, she wants to control everything!!! What do I do? So many brick walls. Feel like if I don't do something I will be blamed for her unhappiness and if I move It could cause more. Like someone once said. "Damned if I do, and Damned if I don't" ugh!! Seems like I'm walking a tight rope that is about to break.

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the worst part of your story is that you are dependent on your mom financially. that gives your mom lots of power over you! can you get out of there??? don't keep thinking that your brothers will step in and help you because they won't! this is a problem for many siblings...one does all the work...the others don't understand how much work that is!!! and...they will never understand unless they live there and care for your mom 24/7! good luck...keep us informed.

Helpful Answer (10)

The question of how to provide for her care and give you a life is age old and difficult. Make sure to give yourself some legal pull by obtaining power of attorney over her care and assets. Then i would look into finding a smaller and easier place for the two of you to live. I would then rent her home to someone who is interested in maintaining it and assisting you with her care in return for a discount on the rent. Hopefully, you can rent it for enough money to cover any mortgage expense even with the discount. Another option is to sell her place and use the money for a caregiver that you hire to come to a smaller place that the two of you share. I have found that other family members are great at offering advice and criticism but no good at giving any other assistance. If you relocate, make sure the new place is in your name too. Then you can say "my house, my rules". Then get a job and take an online course to pursue your MA. You can utilize the hours contributed to her care by the hired caregiver to acheive these goals. This arrangement has worked well for me with the the care of my 96 year old mother. And don't let yourself feel guilty... my mom and i had been fighting for control well before she reached this age! Good luck!

Helpful Answer (9)

It's nearly impossible for one person to provide care after a certain point in time - I did it for more than 8 years with next to no outside help all while working 50+ hours a week - mom is now in a memory care facility and I'm still the only family member who oversees her care and provides financial support

Sounds like you may have brought mom home from a hospital stay? Is she getting better at home? Unfortunately things tend to only go in one direction even if they hold steady for a year or two

If she does require 24/7 care then you need to gather your siblings and collectively come up with a plan - this doesn't mean they will help you though - be prepared to use whatever assets mom has for her care - they are her assets and not your inheritance - if she needs to go into a facility then look into Medicaid if she has no assets

my siblings are some 16-18 years older than me and collecting pensions and will likely soon need eldercare themselves - they offer neither time nor money and truth be told probably don't care about either mom or me

If mom is doing okay at home but is just difficult then that goes with the territory - if you can't find a way to live together in harmony then the situation needs to change

Let us know more -

Helpful Answer (6)

1misfit, your mother has a lot of power in your relationship because she holds the purse strings. The first step I see that would help you is to find a job so that you are bringing in your own income. Having to depend on someone else for your living takes away all your power and exposes you to talk from others around you. You need to take some of that power back. We can only be caregivers if we are financially able to afford to do it. Otherwise we get lost. I don't know what you were doing before you brought your mother home, but I have a feeling you need to get back out in the world and earn some money. Unless you have a comfortable nest egg already, it is the only thing that makes long-term sense.

Helpful Answer (6)

1misfit: First and foremost, BIG SHOUT OUTS AND HUGS TO YOU! Bravo! You are taking on what seems like an impossible task. I will tell you in my experience of caregiving for my late mother that #1 the caregiving usually falls on one person, #2 the caregiver is usually (but not always) a female, #3 you WILL need respite, else YOU fall ill from the stress of caregiving, #4 caregiving is an emotional rollercoaster ride and #5 WE, THIS forum are here to guide or assist you with direction and encouraging words. God bless you! And I will tell you that elders complain... a LOT...or act like stubborn 2-year olds...and can drive you crazy and a big IF here IF YOU LET THEM! Your respite will be going to school and good for you!

Helpful Answer (6)

Speaking from experience..You sound like you r trying way too hard to please everyone..we all have our beaking point and it sounds like yours' is close by. My advice is to speak with a therapist..I know alot of people don't like the idea and I was not too crazy about it either, but it helps...alot..My mother and I purchased a home together 5 years ago when my 22 year marriage ended. She now has dementia and is becoming mean and hurtful...and spiteful. My 24 year old son lives with us as well and he is a Godsend, but feels caught in the middle. It's a real cluster (you know what). My point is, you have to do you first..If that sounds selfish, it is NOT. Your brothers won't help , which is selfish on their part. Stay in school, graduate and be vigilant with your studies. Become the woman you dream of becoming so you can be financily stable, and speak with a therapist...

Helpful Answer (5)

You said it yourself: You brought your mother home without thinking it through. Your brothers didn't agree to be caregivers. You need to find a solution that does not involve your brothers.

Did you bring your mom home from a nursing home or what?

Helpful Answer (5)

Oh, how many of us have fallen for the "I want to go home" insisting they will only be happy there. Well, the reality is that the bad attitude comes home with them.
1misfit, your brothers are punishing you for thinking with your heart instead of your head. So get Mom back to the nursing home and get on with your life. She will try to make you feel guilty. Ignore the guilt card.

Helpful Answer (5)

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

It is hard but if a dog can understand boundaries, rules, and limitations, so can an adult.

We have to set the rules!

Helpful Answer (4)

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing with your family. I recommend two books: Rolr Reversal by Iris Waichler, and Thr Space Between: A Memoir of Mother-Daughter Love at the End of Life by Virginia A. Simpson

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Mom is getting worse and we are arguing more and more.

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