Can my daughter get control over my wife with Alzheimer's?

Warren, do you have any outside help coming in to help you? If your wife is stage 6-7 and you are the only around the clock caregiver....I can understand why there might be concern. I would wonder how you are holding up. That's a lot of work and stress. I'm just trying to imagine how that works, if no one else is helping.

warren, here is an idea that I had read some time ago regarding love ones who have Alzheimer's/Dementia who tend to wander. Place black throw rugs in front of each exterior door on the inside. Thus in many cases the love one won't step on the rug thinking it is a deep hole in the floor. It might be worth a try.

I also was thinking the same thing as Garden Artist above regarding the daughter who is a RN. Does she have any geriatric training, or training in Alzheimer's/Dementia? There is a big difference in reading up on the subject and actually experiencing it first hand.

It's not all my children. Just one daughter giving me grief. She has always been a troublemaker.

Well, brushing teeth should be after every meal, but I don't see why someone needs to change 2x daily unless there are issues of extreme heat, filthy environment, or bathroom accidents.

I'm wondering why your daughter was unable to assist with the cleansing w/o fighting with your wife?

Older people don't get as dirty as younger, more active people, and they also have sensitive and drier skin. Cleansing isn't on the same schedule as it is for younger people.

I think C-Willie's idea is good though - conciliation rather than conflict.

And do some research on the cleansing issue. Your daughter as a nurse may have have little experience with older people, although just from what you write, it sounds as if there's a bit of a power play going on. How long has she been a nurse? Is she an RN, LPN? Does she work in a hospital or for a doctor's office? Makes a big difference.

The daughter's only expressed concerns is that I allowed my wife to wander as I said, and that she is concerned with my wife's hygiene and bathing and says that brushing teeth and changing cloths should be done twice a day. Mom brushes her teeth he self and I wash her all over and change all her cloths in the morning only. This daughter just lives across the road but has stopped helping me because she couldn't wash mom herself without fighting and says I should hire a cna to do additional washing before bedtime.

Often when we read this forum we hear a story from the other point of view, sons and daughters desperate to wrest control of their parent away from another family member that they feel can not or will not care for them properly. We hear again and again of elders stubbornly clinging to their old homes and habits even when it is no longer in their best interest to do so. I expect your daughters want a different level of care for their mother than you feel is necessary. More home care? A facility?
I would suggest you all meet with a care manager to go over your wife's needs and how to best meet them, Perhaps if your children see you are willing to adapt and compromise they won't feel forced to take the drastic step of seeking guardianship.

Warren, APS is Adult Protective Service. Its mission is to help protect vulnerable adults from specific kinds of abusive situations, such as physical, living conditions, etc. In Michigan, I was told once that it doesn't address financial abuse.

My experience with it wasn't favorable. They were asked to intervene in a situation in which a relative was not being cared for properly. After only a day or so, I was notified that they felt the caregiver was doing an adequate job, based on their so-called investigation, which included speaking with the sham so-called hospice the caregiving daughter had hired. Despite having been provided with photos of hoarding and unsanitary situations, they refused to intervene. They also said my relative was a few weeks away from death (she died several months later).

However, that was just in one county; other counties may have more aggressive staff.

What you can do is ask your daughter what her specific concerns are and how SHE would address them? The nurse daughter should be able to respond generally and specifically if she's sincere in her concerns.

In fact, what ARE the daughters' concerns? Are they legitimate or does it appear as if they're trynig to wrest control b/c of some other issues, such as getting control of your wife's assets?

Also that daughter is a nurse.

One of my daughters has stated that she will try to do this. What is APS?

Another thought - movement activated alarms on doors might be a consideration. If there were a need to exit the house immediately, you want to make sure that both of you can get out ASAP.

Warren, is this a general speculation or rather a specific concern that one of your daughters might be thinking along this line?

Have you taken as many precautions as you think are possible, such as the locks, medic alert, lockbox, check-ins, etc.? In what areas do you think vulnerability still exists? I would address those to make sure that your wife and you are protected as much as possible.

I also would mention your wife's situation to neighbors and others who might provide visual observation if they see something amiss. In other words, take as many precautions to protect yourself against charges by your daughter(s).

Do you have any paid care assistance? If so, raise the issue of what else you can do with them. If they're contacted to provide their input, it could be more valuable than that of your daughters, who I suspect probably aren't very involved.

I do think if they were to pursue getting "control", it would be to contact APS, which would investigate. A guardianship hearing could be scheduled, but there's no guarantee that any of the daughters would get control, especially if there's contention. Then an outsider could be brought in and you can say goodbye not only to control but to your financial assets.