I am so very sorry you are not getting support from your children, and that instead they are making matters worse for you. It is understandable to a degree but it is still very, very unfortunate.
My husband started exhibiting dementia symptoms in June (2003). Over the course of that summer I became weaker and weaker. In August I was admitted to the hospital through the ER with what turned out to be diabetes (which my PCP had insisted was stress.) I was there for 5 days. Our five children an a DIL scrambled to take care of their dad, who could not be left alone and who had some very strange behavioral problems. Poor kids. I wouldn't have wished that on them!
One of the things they did during those five days was begin the search for a suitable care center for him. They were concerned that I would not be able to care for him if/when I got well from what they assumed was psychosis.
They were extremely relieved to learn that I "only" had diabetes, it could be treated, and I intended to resume my husband's care.
After that experience they would have supported me in absolutely any decision I made about his care.
People who have never seen dementia up close and personal have no idea what caregiving is like. I hope that your children can be taught in a less drastic way than out children were. Thanklessjob had some good suggestions about how to bring that about.
Again, I am so sorry you are facing this. Hang in there! You are doing what you have to do. I hope it won't take your children too long to figure that out.
Pammy, Your kids have to come to grips with their father having dementia (and its ramifications) then realize that not everyone can care for a dementia patient at home. Their denial is a powerful emotion but can be overcome by being informed. If your kids live close, ask your husband's doctor to schedule a "family appointment" to explain his condition to your children. If they don't live close, maybe all of you could Skype or have a conference call, so they can express their concerns. Send them links to the Alzheimer's website (Alz.org) to learn about the 7 stages of Alzheimer's and how it progresses. His mental condition WON'T get any better and will only get worse. If you can't handle him now, you sure won't be able to in 6 months.
You didn't elaborate as to how old your husband is, how long he's had memory issues, what stage he's in, how impaired he is, how much care he requires, why he needed placement in a facility, your status, etc. so I'll assume that he is sufficiently impaired that you can no longer take care of him.
Please don't allow them to make you feel guilty. If you aren't able (or just can't) take care of him, then a memory care facility is an appropriate place. Are there others at the facility with the same stage of dementia he has? Is there someone there for him to talk to? Do they do any activities that he's interested in? It's normal for him to be upset during the "adjustment time". I was asked not to contact my mother for the first 2 weeks so she could "fit in" without my involvement. That might be a good idea for him also. Do NOT give in to his crying, begging, anger outbursts or any other emotion that would make you reconsider taking him back home. There was a reason that he needed to be moved there.
Since they disagree with your decision, maybe one of your kids would be able to care for him in THEIR home. That might solve the problem. They definitely would find out, first hand, what being a caregiver of a dementia patient is like.
Good luck Pam. You're between a rock and a hard place right now. Hopefully things will calm down, your kids will become better informed and your husband will settle in and there won't be this frantic situation anymore. Please keep us informed and use this website for great information from others who have traveled your path or just to "let loose" here.
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My husband started exhibiting dementia symptoms in June (2003). Over the course of that summer I became weaker and weaker. In August I was admitted to the hospital through the ER with what turned out to be diabetes (which my PCP had insisted was stress.) I was there for 5 days. Our five children an a DIL scrambled to take care of their dad, who could not be left alone and who had some very strange behavioral problems. Poor kids. I wouldn't have wished that on them!
One of the things they did during those five days was begin the search for a suitable care center for him. They were concerned that I would not be able to care for him if/when I got well from what they assumed was psychosis.
They were extremely relieved to learn that I "only" had diabetes, it could be treated, and I intended to resume my husband's care.
After that experience they would have supported me in absolutely any decision I made about his care.
People who have never seen dementia up close and personal have no idea what caregiving is like. I hope that your children can be taught in a less drastic way than out children were. Thanklessjob had some good suggestions about how to bring that about.
Again, I am so sorry you are facing this. Hang in there! You are doing what you have to do. I hope it won't take your children too long to figure that out.
Your kids have to come to grips with their father having dementia (and its ramifications) then realize that not everyone can care for a dementia patient at home. Their denial is a powerful emotion but can be overcome by being informed. If your kids live close, ask your husband's doctor to schedule a "family appointment" to explain his condition to your children. If they don't live close, maybe all of you could Skype or have a conference call, so they can express their concerns. Send them links to the Alzheimer's website (Alz.org) to learn about the 7 stages of Alzheimer's and how it progresses. His mental condition WON'T get any better and will only get worse. If you can't handle him now, you sure won't be able to in 6 months.
You didn't elaborate as to how old your husband is, how long he's had memory issues, what stage he's in, how impaired he is, how much care he requires, why he needed placement in a facility, your status, etc. so I'll assume that he is sufficiently impaired that you can no longer take care of him.
Please don't allow them to make you feel guilty. If you aren't able (or just can't) take care of him, then a memory care facility is an appropriate place. Are there others at the facility with the same stage of dementia he has? Is there someone there for him to talk to? Do they do any activities that he's interested in?
It's normal for him to be upset during the "adjustment time". I was asked not to contact my mother for the first 2 weeks so she could "fit in" without my involvement. That might be a good idea for him also. Do NOT give in to his crying, begging, anger outbursts or any other emotion that would make you reconsider taking him back home. There was a reason that he needed to be moved there.
Since they disagree with your decision, maybe one of your kids would be able to care for him in THEIR home. That might solve the problem. They definitely would find out, first hand, what being a caregiver of a dementia patient is like.
Good luck Pam. You're between a rock and a hard place right now. Hopefully things will calm down, your kids will become better informed and your husband will settle in and there won't be this frantic situation anymore. Please keep us informed and use this website for great information from others who have traveled your path or just to "let loose" here.
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