How to deal with my mother who is having poor adjustment to nursing home?

Yes, my mother had major surgery to repair the hip fracture. It was complicated because she also has two knee replacements, so it was not a typical hip repair. This happened in 2014. Yes, she also has hx of urinary tract infections, which I know also causes mood lability. I visited her today, and, coincidentally, was able to speak with the social services coordinator about her situation. I requested they consult with a neurologist or neuropsychiatrist to evaluate her medications. She was a bit cranky and whiny today, so I did not stay very long. I sat with her for a while; listened; and reassured her. Then took care of business with clinical staff. You are correct that stigma against psychiatrists certainly exists in this age group. The dementia is difficult to deal with. Some days she seems fine, and other days are horrible. Thank you for the input.

taheger, back when your Mom was growing up, no one would ever admit they needed advice from a psychiatrist.... that was a huge no no.... shhhh.... never mentioned. It was a huge stigma back then. Now a days it is so common that no one ever thinks twice whenever someone mentions that they are seeing a psychiatrist. But it is hard for your Mom to shake the stigma. I know my Mom would be aghast if she knew I was seeing one !!

Question, did your Mom have surgery for her broken hip? If yes, any time a senior who has any type of memory issue goes under for surgery, it will advance the dementia. If not, I wonder if your Mom has an urinary tract infection. Such infections can cause an elder not be themselves, become angry, etc.

I am my mother's power of attorney, therefore, I am managing her funds to pay for her care. I have been caring for her since 2007. She lived alone in a senior apartment complex for a few years; then lived with my husband and me and attended an adult day care program; then when we could no longer manage her personal needs, she transitioned to assisted living. She has lived with disabilities from a ruptured brain aneurysm since she was 55 y/o. Now, her disabilities are increased and she can no longer care for her self without assistance. She fell and broke her hip while in assisted living! She is wheelchair bound. She can communicate and knows who we are; and is aware of her surroundings, but she gets confused and has difficulty finding her words. Her personality has always been sweet and friendly, always made friends wherever she lived. However, she changed after the hip fracture. To make matters worse, two of my half brothers died; one of those brothers died of pancreatic cancer in January. She was very close to this brother, who helped me with her care and was very attentive. It has been a rough year. I am in the middle of selling her house, but there is little equity in the house, and bills to pay. It will be a weight lifted off of us to sell it. After she depletes her funds (sometime next month), I will apply for Medical Assistance for her. Once this is approved, I will try to find a new facility for her. I did the research and decided on the current one because they had the best CMS ratings in this area. During the past 8 years, she has had a period of rehab in most of the nursing homes in this area (after hospitalization for some medical problem). So we are familiar with all of the resources. It is a difficult situation. She has a psychiatrist prescribing mood stabilizer, anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety meds. She hates it when the psychiatrist visits, she becomes angry and accuses everyone of thinking she is either crazy or stupid, because she has dementia. I love my mother. We have always been close, and I have always been there for her, but she has become someone else, and it is unpleasant to visit her. I get calls nearly every week that she has had some sort of outburst. Anyway, I see the way this will progress, and I feel guilty wishing my mother would pass away peacefully in her sleep and be free from her suffering. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

A session in a geri-psych ward might be the best solution. They can evaluate drug treatments in a controlled environment and try to find a combination that calms her without over-sedating her. I think that is what I would be hoping for if this were my mother.

Why are you responsible for paying for her care? If she does not have the funds to pay for care, then she may qualify for assistance with the cost.

Have you checked to see if your mom qualifies for Memory Care in your state? Some states provide the costs for Memory Care for those who have dementia that requires that kind of facility. I'd look into that.

If you mom is acting violent, then I would think that an evaluation would be welcomed, because they could get medications adjusted that might help her feel better. If she is more at peace, then she would likely make a better roommate and be content enough to adjust to the nursing home.

taheger I really feel for you. It is so sad to see our beloved moms and dads change before our eyes. I could offer you advice but since I don't know what your Mom used to be like it is hard to know what to say. Adjusting to a new normal is difficult. I would just be there for her as much as you can. Make sure she knows how much you love her. What was your relationship like before? Maybe if we knew more about that we could offer better advice.

I appreciate everyone's comments! I also questioned why they moved my mother into a quad when she was having trouble with her roommate (her third one)! It does not make sense to me. We are running out of money, and I am applying for Medical Assistance, so I was hoping to get this completed then start looking for a new place for her. It is very sad for me because we cannot take care of her in our home any longer. She has many limitations, but with a supportive environment, her mood and attitude are positive. She is grieving loss (two sons died within the past three years), and few visitors other than myself and my sister in law. I work full time and see her at least once per week. It is just a difficult time and I need to accept this "new normal" in my mother's behavior and personality. I brace myself every visit because I never know what her mood will be. Any tips and suggestions for coping with elder care is greatly appreciated.

My mom has been through two roommates in her 3 months there and now they do everything possible to keep her alone. Outside her space, a resident staring and saying things doesn't bother her. If someone wanders into her room she has no trouble telling them "no, I don't want any"- like she did when people knocked on our door selling stuff. But something about putting a person living in same room changes everything. She's afraid of them, she doesn't like if they stare at her, etc. They just decided it was best for all if they kept her solo as long as the census deems possible.

Your mother may need meds for agitation.

I wonder why you say a geripsych unit (where they will adjust her meds) would be terrible thing? Most posters on this board have had very good experience with geripsych units.

I wish I could offer you words of encouragement but a quad room sounds awful

My mom is only calm in her memory care center when she has company as she's afraid of the other residents and doesn't understand why they are there - and their behavior can get very aggressive - her roommate is very late stage but will sometimes stare at my mom making her upset

Unfortunately you may need to visit a neurologist to see about suitable anti anxiety drugs -

If she is having issues with roommates,why did they move her to a quad. She may have a point with the roommate she did have. Some residents like having a room to their own and can get "testy" if they have to share it with someone else. Being around a lot of strangers and noise may be "freaking her out".