How do I get help when my mom refuses to seek medical attention?

Elizabeth48: In regard to driving and the car keys comment "all hell will break loose." Well, it's going to have to because she is going to possibly have a vehicular manslaughter charge on her record if she kills someone! Good God, there is no way your mother should be behind the wheel of what is considered a weapon in the wrong hands!!!
I would strongly consider a care home for your mother, e.g. Nursing Home, Assisted Living, Memory Care ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE HAS VERBALLY THREATENED YOUR FATHER! And you have a witness to that-the ER physician! Totally unacceptable! Something must change now! She must take the anti anxiety med, lest she kill someone, namely the closet person to her, her loving, caring husband! Poor man! He's going through the worst nightmare of his life!

Thank you all so much for your responses. We took her to the ER last night and she went willingly. She called me at 10:30 & said she couldn't go to the bathroom. While in the room waiting for resulys of urinalysis she started telling my dad she was going the beat the shit out of him. Then proceeded to say she was mean because she needed to eat carbohydrates and they wouldnt let her have food then started shaking til I got her crackers which she barely had a bite. Then demands to go home. We tried to get help from ER doc he was bery incomfortable but did prescribe anxiety meds. She refuses to take them. Dad says she accuses him of cheating and is nasty with him a few times a day. I realize there is no hope in trying to talk to her when she is in freak out mode. When she is good she wont talk about it either. My poor Dad. It breaks my heart. Nothing was wrong with her. All results ok. I have always been the strong one who fixes everything and i cant fix this. I told Dad to take her car keys away and he said all hell would break loose. She freaks out if she doesnt have her car. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

Hi All, Sorry if I repeat what others have said but I have to contribute. Mother is now in AL and I have moved back where I came from, so I haven't kept up with all the questions. I had trouble with almost everything with her. Once she didn't shower for almost 3 months. Another story.
When it came to going to the Dr I finally had to cheat. I was unwilling to wrestle her to my car. I'm not willing to go to jail in order to care for her. I needed a couple of professional caregivers and I needed to have a comprehensive assessment of what was actually wrong with her. So I called an ambulance and we went to the emergency room. I didn't tell her till the ambulance got to the house and then it was Ma'm this and Ma'm that from 2 young handsome men and it was like we were going to a party. She didn't stop talking and flirting till we got to the hospital. And I didn't realize that if you arrive in an ambulance you go right into a room- no waiting in the waiting room. Then once we were in, because it was an ER, they had every diagnostic machine and finally were able to tell me NOTHING was wrong with her except dementia! By the end she was tired and wanted to go home so she willingly went home in the car.
Everyone told me she had to see her regular Dr also, so a few months later I did the same thing- I ordered up an ambulance. It was still fun for her and they ran her over to the Dr's office while I followed in the car. The other thing I did was get an appt for the very end of the afternoon so she didn't like a lot of people were staring at her- down to about 90 lbs- and we could go right into a room, even if we had to wait a while. I asked for a warm blankie and got her settled on the exam table so she didn't get too tuckered out. That was good, not waiting a long time in the waiting room. I realize that not everyone can afford the expense of the ambulances, but Medicare picked up the first one. Her Dr said the same thing- nothing wrong with her except dementia. Now that she's in AL she's officially a "difficult patient", which makes me feel a little better- it wasn't all my imagination!

thanks.

Yes, and it is the most worrisome aspect of the disease, for me. Even when visiting regularly or making regular phone calls, you can totally miss it.

Elizabeth48: Please let us hear how your mom is doing. We all care on this forum.

Salisbury, don't beat yourself up. We all assume our parents are competent. Most of us, long after they are not. It's just too awful to contemplate.

I mentioned that the family doctor prescribed too little of the right drug. I didn't add that this went on for about three years. During that time my mom really went downhill. Had she taken the right dosage form the start, I believe the progression would have been much slower.

But I have to take some of the blame. the doctor asked me to "get involved" with her meds. So, I called every morning to make sure she was taking them. She was really exasperated with my intrusion and and assured me in a snotty way each morning that she had taken them.

Turned out, (are you sitting down for this?), she didn't even have the pills in the house! When they ran out, she never renewed the prescription. But she was convinced that she was taking them every morning. This had gone on for about three months. At that stage of the game, it just did not occur to me that my mom would not renew her prescriptions. That was early in the game.

Sigh...

Today she is in AL and gets her meds every morning.

# Get her checked for a UTI.
# Get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist, who can dose meds. Do not get that confused with psychologist who will merely listen to her story and send her away with nothing accomplished. She needs medical help, whether she wants to deny it or not. One person said the "stigma of mental illness-" okay, yes you can choose to remain in it or get well.

Nothing can be done without an initial diagnosis. I would start with her doctor or someone experienced with geriatrics; see what you local hospital offers. Some are associated with adult day centers that specialize in dementia or provide assessments - or they can steer you in the right direction. The local hospital in In my mother's neighborhood - had a geriatric assessment center. I had to trick her into going. It took about three tries; but I eventually got her there. Do what ever you have to; lie. Tell her your going to the doctor and you want her to come with you. Do what ever it takes.

The thing with Alzheimer's is you can't argue, or try to get them to understand - their logic and reasoning are gone. You just have to keep them happy and live in their reality. My mom was extremely combative and still is at times. I just avoid the arguments at all cost. Change the subject and redirect her attention to something else. Play music that she likes - it will calm her down. There are many studies that shows how music helps people with dementia.

It also sounds like your poor dad is at this wits end. There are many support groups and care agencies that can help you and your dad to figure out what to do. My mom went to an adult day center during the day that specialized in dementia. She loved it. These people are trained and now how to deal with these behaviors.

What helped me was embracing the resources that are out there. The help and support you will receive are invaluable.

It is very hard. Have you asked her regular doctor what to do? If things get bad enough where you are worried for her safety or those of others, and she refuses to get any help, there are mental health emergency action hotlines you can call. We had to call one a few times for my father. They took him in for evaluation, one time in handcuffs to the hospital against his will. She would then get a quick psych evaluation but they would only hold her if she is considered a risk to herself or others. Be warned, she may retaliate so this is only if you can't get her help by other means.

If it helps, I wrote a letter to my mom's family doctor to explain what was going on and then started going to all of her appointments.

It turns out that he was prescribing the right drug but far too little to have any effect.

My stepchildren are having this problem with their mother now. She needs anti-anxiety meds but WILL NOT talk about it.

Unfortunately, the stigma associated with mental illness translates to advoidance behavior on the part of both spouses. Advoidance is the path of least resistance. It is common and Doc's understand it. Somehow, you have to help both of them to "come into the open" and face the difficult reality of dealing with dementia.

Yes, I agree. If you are going to get help, it will be from professionals with lots of experience.

Tell your Dad not to feel guilty. this is not because he "gave in." It is in her head and no amount of 'tough love" would have changed that.

Good luck!

I agree with freqflyer. My Mom will fight every request from me. Sometimes if I cry she will do what I ask of her. She loves her doctor, so I often have to say that he called and wants her to do such & such. Your poor father needs relief. I would get help & guidance from a home nursing group. They are usually the best advisers you can get on how to handle situation. They have worked with all kinds of situations. God bless you. It is a journey & I learn something new everyday. I am sitting with my mom now and debating a return trip to hospital because she won't eat. Praying for all!

First thing to be done is see if Mom has a urinary tract infection... such an infection can cause elders to have outbursts.

If this medical issue isn't an infection, then it sound like Alzheimer's/Dementia. Your Mom cannot help how she is acting because her brain is confused. Sadly there is no cure.

Usually if a person refuses to see a doctor, one way to get them there is tell them that Medicare called, over due on "Yearly Wellness Exam".... if one doesn't see a doctor by a certain date then Medicare will stop paying. I know this is a fib, but there are times we fib for the betterment of the person.