My mom tried to spray her roommate with deodorant as they were changing her and went after a nurse.

@Angel Yes, I absolutely agree and get why my mom got upset and of course, I will speak to the person in charge to make sure they do not do any diaper change while she is eating. I feel bad that my mom has to deal with the smell- but eating time needs to be respected always & I will make sure it doesn't happen again. I feel for some of the elderly patients that dont have a daughter or anyone to advocate for them because I have made a few requests/complaints for my mom and they listened. I'm sure they also notice I spend time there with my mom twice a week. Otherwise, some of them probably get ignored because they see that nobody's there to advocate for them.

I think I may have a slightly different take on this situation than everyone else has. Were they really changing someone's diaper when she was trying to eat???? Are you kidding me? If I were eating and someone came in and tried to change a diaper I would be through the roof. My personal take on this is to have a talk with the head nurse and ask them not to do so when she's eating. That really should be common sense!!!! Yes I get that they are busy and sometimes they only have a small window but seriously...I personally wouldn't be able to eat, and may even get sick if someone did that to me. Now, spraying the deodorant, I would have done that IN MY AREA, not on someone else, but I really feel for your mom's anger, I definitely would have been mad too.

Angel

Churchmouse Yes, I'm very protective of my mom and Im actually known for spoiling her in the facility, but i dont mind- she's been through a lot. So far, I've noticed she's getting good care and I'm there every week and I always tell her to tell me if someone does something to her and I will make sure to take care of it. I had one nurse removed because she liked to curse and my mom wasn't having it & I told them I didn't want that nurse aiding my mom and she was removed. I know some of the nurses that care for my mom and they're nice. Of course there are some that aren't as friendly but my concern is that my mom be safe & is never mistreated. It hurts me to say this but I have caught my mom lying a number of times and when she gets mad, she'll accuse the nurses of hitting her. When I tell her to tell me who hit her & I will handle it, she avoids the conversation. After the potty-mouth nurse incident, I was considering installing a baby monitor or secret camera to see for myself what goes on & to make sure my mom is being treated well. But like you said, it may be that her perception is off but when i try to talk to her and ask her to tell me what happened & let me handle it, and not go after anyone, she feels like I'm taking sides, even though I'm talking to her calmly and telling her lovingly that she's my priority. She doesn't like it when you don't agree with her, even if you're telling her nicely. Ay, anyway I will continue to love her and be there for her, as always.

If the nurses physically restrained her or removed her from the roommate's space, that might have felt to your mother as though she had been struck. It's also possible - is it? - that your mother is beginning to find it harder to phrase an account accurately and is using approximate descriptions of what took place. It isn't "lying", it's the best presentation she can manage of what she feels happened.

Granted that there are things she mustn't do, any more than any one else should, it is vital that she doesn't feel you're ganging up against her in an 'et tu Brute' way. Do tell her that she must tell you or the staff if she isn't happy about something, and not take matters into her own hands; but don't blame or criticise her over spilt milk - it won't influence her behaviour, so it won't help with future problems, but it will make her feel got at and isolated.

It's hard for anyone to adjust to the compromises of shared space living. When when you are elderly and vulnerable and perhaps becoming mentally frail too, all the more so. Are you happy with the NH overall? Do you feel they take good care of their residents?

@churchmouse Yes, I felt quite bad and told her I would leave early because I did not agree with her behavior and I left & just kept driving for a while to try relieve the stress. Other times she's very sweet and respectful and the nurses get surprised when they see these behaviors. I guess I'm struggling because I still see her as mom.

Yes, I know. They become like kids. I can understand why she was upset but she knows she should tell me so I can bring it up with the person in charge so it doesn't happen again. They've been pretty good at quickly addressing any issues I bring up. I just feel bad because she feels I'm taking their side but I had to tell her to try to control herself & it's not ok to act out. She also said 3 nurses struck her, which I feel is jot true as she's said this before & I found out it wasn't the case. I don't know why she lies and then why I question her she gets upset and says she doesn't lie. I wonder is she lying to cover herself or does she really believe things happened or perhaps forgot?

Oh crikey, Pompuff.

First things first. Breathe, dear, don't forget to breathe! It is not you who did this, and it is not you who is responsible for your mother's behaviour or for keeping her fellow residents safe: that is down to the facility. This is a nightmare, but it is not something you can be blamed for in any way.

It sounds as though your mother's inhibitions have gone the way of all brain cells when dementia attacks them. That doesn't explain why she got angry, but it would explain why she acted so freely on her anger.

Also, I have to say, acted quite reasonably if you look at it purely in terms of what was going on. Stink while your mother was eating. Deal with stink in "usual" way.

Maybe she didn't like the CNA's version of events? (And maybe the CNA would have done better to ask if she could have a private word with you, come to that).

I don't think you can *do* anything about your mother's actions. You're not there to talk her down when things are going awry, and anything you tell her at other times will not register during times of crisis.

But what you can do is talk to the staff and look again at the care plan. You could also ask them to consider the roommate's care plan in conjunction with your mother's and see what can be done to reconcile them.

Does your mother have to eat her meals in the shared room, for example? Is there not a dining room at the facility?

I suppose I'm just inclined to think that although your mother's actions were disproportionate and out of line - and that's because of the dementia - they weren't actually unreasonable.

Pompuff
In a few years you may look back at this incident and find some humor in it but having a roommate is tough
During rehab several years ago, my mom had a roommate who insisted on keeping her commode next to my mom rather than by her own bed - my mom had a broken shoulder and back and needed maximum assistance and couldn't wait to get out of there
Last year she landed in this same facility for rehab following a fall and her roommate liked to spray floral scented air spray while my mom was eating dinner - thankfully they got into a fight and they moved the woman and my mom had the room to herself for the last two weeks she was there
Now in memory care, her roommate is bedridden and oftentimes I have to fetch someone to change her when she smells - luckily no one is eating dinner in the room but still it's not pleasant
There's another resident whose dog often relieves itself indoors and the resident then complains of the smell and it's her dog

Could you picture a child doing the same things your mom did?
We are adults once but children twice