Now my daughter is giving me troubles. Need advice.

Question

B

brandywine1949 Asked October 2016

Now my daughter is giving me troubles. Need advice.

I have posted before that it's my mother. Now it's me. I am the senior. I have all my wits about me. Still working. My daughter who in her 30's is the problem. Just out of the blue she called us in June and let out a torrent of anger. She is mad that we didn't pay for her college education and that she had to work to put herself through college. She is also mad that when she was 8 yrs old I wouldn't buy her sidewalk chalk. She is mad that one day she came home from school and needed $10 and I wouldn't give it to her. You get the picture. Things that happened 20-30 yrs ago. So the problem is about 3 years ago husb and I redid our wills. We left an extra $70,000 to her and the house. The rest we left to husband's kids from another marriage. Now daughter won't let me see my grandchildren bc. I want to change my will and I have made an appt to see my atty. My question is do I really want to change the will to give all the grown kids an equal share instead of her an extra $70,000 and the house. If I change it do I want to give her a chance to come around and act better before I do this. Should I tell her that her behavior is really hurtful. All these things are for all time and eternity. Need your advice before I go to the lawyer.

Relationships

19 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

Recent Questions

Related Questions

score 1 · Answer 1

What ever you decide about how to divide your estate, keep the contents of your will private. It is no one's business while you are still alive. There is no guarantee what will be left of your estate when you are gone.

Helpful Answer (1)

score 1 · Answer 2

Brandy if it is equal shares your daughter is going to loose out some. Guess she will be really mad then but so be it, she has brought this on herself.

Helpful Answer (1)

score 1 · Answer 3

Made an appt with my lawyer and decided to make the will completely equal with all the kids. No matter how they are acting. It's the fair thing to do. Not because of her behavior.

Helpful Answer (1)

score 2 · Answer 4

My mother frequently threatened to change her will as a way to control my brothers - and was going to leave me 2/3rds or even all of it. I was the one who would convince her not to. Would I have liked all that money? Could I use all that money? Sure! However - my brothers are the only family I have left. No, we aren't particularly close and I imagine now that moms gone, I will have even less contact with them once I get the estate settled. Still - they are my family and receiving a disproportionate share of the will would have only served to reinforce any bad feelings they harbor towards my parents - and more importantly, put further strain and mistrust in any chance I'd have of having any relationship with them going forward. I honestly think parents should consider what their final message will do to the relationships of the people left behind.

Helpful Answer (2)

score 1 · Answer 5

I wonder if she might be seeing a psychologist or talking to someone new in her life. Some psychologists dig through childhood things, making people remember stuff. Sometimes I think little wounds are created where once there was none by thinking and dwelling on these things. The same can be true if there is a friend she is talking to. If this is the case, these new wounds will soon disappear as fast as they appear.

Helpful Answer (1)

score 1 · Answer 6

Brandywine, it already wasn't making sense to me that you changed your will three years ago and then your daughter leaves it 'til this summer to ring up and have an unrelated fit...

Basically, your deliberations over your and your husband's estate have nothing at all to do with daughter's hurtful behaviour, have they? Two completely separate issues.

Estate: you and your husband should proceed with the division according to what you think is fair to all of your children. Not conditional on their behaviour, relative merits, relative prosperity etc etc etc - it's hopeless trying to balance all these unquantifiable values, so stick to what you both agree is fair. It's the best you can do.

Daughter's behaviour: you say yourself you don't know what's wrong with her. Hadn't you better ask her? (nicely!). Yelling excerpts from The Book of Ancient Grudge is no way for an adult to behave, but clearly she's not in the mood to be mature or rational about her feelings right now. You need to find out why she's so upset.

Helpful Answer (1)

score 2 · Answer 7

Brandy what started all this if the kids don't know what is in the will? There has to be something else major going on in her life to prompt this kind of behavior.
Do you think it is post part depression if she has a little one under two. This is a very serious misunderstood condition that is rarely treated properly.

Helpful Answer (2)

score 0 · Answer 8

Do what you and your husband feel is right. I don't think anyone is obligated to leave funds to someone that they are not close to. If I was not close to my parents, I don't think I would expect any inheritance. That's just me.

Helpful Answer (0)

score 2 · Answer 9

Veronica, finances in my home, we are poor, been married almost 50 yrs. She is my hubs and mine. I prayed about it and made an appt with our lawyer. Not out of anger but just want everything to be equal. We have not shared the contents of the will with the kids. We are not close to his kids. I don't know why I am saying all this because in the end there will probably not be much left.

Helpful Answer (2)

score 1 · Answer 10

Don't know how the financials are in your home, how long you have been married is your daughter your husbands or from a previous union. Who brought the majority of this money into the home? Is this distribution equitable.
Why is your daughter so angry when she is getting an extra $70K and the house.
Either pay caregivers what they are worth and don't use a Will as a way of controlling relatives or hire outside care. Sharing the contents of a will in my opinion is never a good idea until the loved one has passed.
In our family there will be little left but it will be equally divided but if any child has provided financial help for our care that will be paid off the top.

Helpful Answer (1)

score 2 · Answer 11

Years ago, I helped a friend through her final illness. Her cousins (only living relatives) were no where to be found. When she was ready to redo her will (5 months B4 she passed) she toyed with the idea of leaving everything to her friends who had truly helped her through her 6 year illness. I encouraged her to leave it to her relatives (who were financially more needy than the friends). In Hindsight, I was wrong. The cousins barely did the funeral the way the deceased wanted and prepaid for.! Cousins that had refuesd to visit-- tore through the house and took what they wanted. Feel free to rewrite the will unless there is a special circumstance that is not divulged here. If things improve and you change your mind, you might make a beneficiary change for insurance to her , or make her recipient at death of a bank account.

Helpful Answer (2)

score 3 · Answer 12

Providing nice things for your children is great, but, working and making sacrifices for things in your life creates courage and a sense of accomplishment. I wouldn't take anything for that.

Don't feel bad. I'm not sure why she's not grateful. To get an inheritance like that! My goodness. I can't imagine such a blessing.

Plus, I would never speak disrespectfully to my parents. No matter what my age is.

You sound like a thoughtful person. I'd follow my instincts.

Helpful Answer (3)

score 1 · Answer 13

No she is not special needs. I will probably change to be equal portions for all the children. I think she is mentally ill or is drinking too much. She might have marriage problems and she might have post part depression. She had nearly a full ride to go to state college and she used it. She was working for her room and board. So I don't know what is going on.

Helpful Answer (1)

score 2 · Answer 14

Perfectly put: "The will needs to be more stable than that."

Helpful Answer (2)

score 4 · Answer 15

Hurt feelings can linger for years over unequal distribution in a Will.

Don't count on anyone to do the right thing. It rarely happens no matter who the people are. It's some kind of weird phenomenon.

Do all the adult kids know how the Will is currently set up? Are your husband's kids okay with this?

Is your daughter special needs and needs more in inheritance?

Do you and husband have reciprocal Wills?

Lots to consider. I'd discuss the implications with an attorney. Consider what you really think is best and why.

It's difficult to imagine a woman making those comments about how she was not afforded more financially growing up.

Is she jealous over something recent?
Are her student loans looming over her head?

I know that I put myself through college and graduate school and I'm super proud of it. It made me work harder and I leaned so much. Plus, I appreciate it so much more than some of my classmates did who had it handed to them. To verbally attack your parents over this years later??? Odd.

I can't figure out where her resentment is coming from. Maybe, she needs more than an inheritance.

Helpful Answer (4)

score 4 · Answer 16

Brandy, I went through a horrendous post partum depression after the birth of my second child. I was hospitalized. A couple of days into that hospital stay, i called my parents and yelled at them foe a whole bunch of meaningless reasons. They listened, and my mom said " where are you now? Is anyone with you?" I owned up to being in the hospital. We talked some more and that was it.

B, I'm fairly certain that your daughter is going through some emotional tumult right now. If you're so inclined, call her and lend as sympathetic an ear as you can. If you're not inclined, just leave it be and don't talk about it with others. Respect her privacy.

But no changing of wills based on behavior. As Jessie and Jeanne advise, if she has needs that outweigh those of the other children, set something up. But don't use a will as a blunt object.

Helpful Answer (4)

score 4 · Answer 17

Why would she get more than the others, regardless of her behavior? Did she do something for it? Does she have special needs? Unless there is a strong specific reason to leave one child more, I think the will should divide things equally. And even if there is a strong reason, I think that should be taken care of outside of the will. A trust for a disabled child, for example.

As to her recent behavior -- is she in counseling? Maybe she is working through feelings from her past or long-simmering resentment. Maybe this is a sign of mental illness. Offer to go to counseling with her.

It is sad that you can't see the grandchildren. Let's hope Daughter works things through soon or gets the help she needs.

But I wouldn't tie the will to her behavior.

Helpful Answer (4)

score 2 · Answer 18

Really like that answer, Jessebelle. 'The will needs to be more stable than that.'

Helpful Answer (2)

score 4 · Answer 19

brandywine, my mother wanted to cut my brothers and SIL out of the will because they weren't paying her enough attention. I knew that it wasn't a good idea to do this out of anger. I didn't want her last word to my brothers to be an angry one. If you think you'll later change your mind about the will, I would leave it alone right now. I think wills should be written for logical reasons and not out of emotions. Emotions can change quickly. The will needs to be more stable than that.

Helpful Answer (4)

Now my daughter is giving me troubles. Need advice.

19 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions

Ask a Question