How do your get your loved one to stop saying we have to pack and go home?
Loved one thinks they are in a different state renting a home and not in the home they live in. Usually vacation in the winter somewhere else and thinks they are still away even though all their belongings are in the home.
My parents always had their residence and their summer home. I think, since my dad's not feeling or thinking normal, he's reasoning it may be the place he's in that's causing this. He's even gone into panic mode when I lay down during the day, thinking it's carbon monoxide poisoning.
My FIL started this when he was in the SNF and my husband & I visited. He told us he was going to have to leave soon and go find a job so he could get back home & take care of his parents. We just kept asking him questions about where he thought he’d go and what work he was looking for. He was fixated on Connecticut for some reason while he had live in the same area of upstate NY all his life and worked as a dairy farmer. In the end we’d come around to reminding him he had to wait until he could talk with all the other children and say goodbye or they might be worried about him and maybe some of his other siblings could care for Mom & Dad until he could get there. We found that just playing along and asking questions changed his mood from sad at first to happy to be sharing his plans with us.
'We'll go as soon as _______gets here. Oh, look at the cute doggies on Animal Planet today!' 'We'll go as soon as _______brings the suitcase over. Hey, let's have something for lunch now...' 'The road is flooded from the rain, it's better to wait till it dries up some, maybe tomorrow. Oh, listen to that song on the radio, isn't that a polka?'
Yes Shirley7 You are 💯% correct. Instead of We trying to reason with an Alzheimer's Sufferer We kneed to step to the left and enter into Their World. Postponement works by saying yes Mother We will be leaving soon when X is done. As soon as They wake up You can say welcome home Mom, isn't it great to be in Our own home. God Love Them it is a dreadful disease of the Brain.
We go along with it, putting off leaving "for home" to a time when she is ready for her nap. Then we suggest it, and she decides "maybe tomorrow" because all her focus is at the time is to go in for a nap. This validates her initial feelings and makes her feel like she is in control by deciding to put it off. The very few times she is totally insistent, I either point out a stain on her clothing (Lord knows, every article must have one by now) or saying that I am very tired and can we wait 10 minutes. Usually that buys me enough time for her to go off on some other thought.
Dad does much of the same quite often. He starts gathering his things to get ready for his trip home to see his Mom and Dad - he's 90 now and they both passed over 30 and 50 years ago respectively. He's waiting to go get his car - although he voluntarily gave up diving about 6 years ago and he doesn't recognize the car parked within sight of his dining room window as the very same vehicle he used to drive - even when we take him somewhere in it. He references his wife often asking if we have seen her today because he's ready to leave as soon as she returns. (Sadly, Mom passed 10 years ago .) He doesn't recognize where he is as his home and insists that it is necessary to "go home" to his family. We do try gentle oral or visual distractions, but he is strongly insistent and singularly focused and they are temporary solutions at best. When we try to "arrange" simple tasks as a diversion - things that need to be done before he can go - sometimes cleaning up and changing his clothes does the trick and he decides to nap instead and puts off his trip temporarily. But by the next day, he's back at it and we start the whole process over again. We do agree that this is harmless and we try to chuckle at the repetitiveness of it all as we search for new and different ways to keep him busy and interested in enjoying that which is right here at his "home" away from his "home".
My mom's best friend had Alzheimers, and she always knew who I was, but not where I was living now or anything recent. It was interesting to get her talking about things she still remembered; when her kids and I were young, memories of my folks, etc.
I'm new to this - my dad recently fell (another stroke), broke his pelvis, and has pneumonia. Clearly he is bed bound right now and needs to be in the nursing home. Every time I talk with him he insists he can go home - obviously he is not thinking clearly & arguing with him won't help. So I distract him - tell him - yes when the doctor says you can, then I get him off to talking about something else - usually baseball, or news of the family. Your advice here has been helpful. I tend to forget that his newly diagnosed dementia is going to make it impossible to reason with him, not to try this and get us both angry, but try to gently redirect.
I really hate to lie but I'll say something like it's too late to start, don't you think we should stay tonight and see what it looks like in the morning? She is usually relieved that we can stay.
The other night she got up at 3am asking where her husband was (he passed away over a year ago). I said, "Remember when he went to the car races with his sons every year?" I didn't need to go further with that, she was relieved that he was with his sons and that I was staying with her, although she has no idea I am her daughter. In other words, go back in time to find somewhere he may have been if he were still living.
If she asks about him during the day I say, "he would be walking today, it's nice out." He walked every day, rain or shine, snow or sleet, weather didn't bother him.
I went to a seminar about Alzheimer's disease a couple of months ago. The presenter said "If you try to reason, fix it, or change it (your loved one's symptoms of dementia), you make it worse. We can only try to manage it by thinking ahead and simplifying for them. Their thinker is broken, so try to be fluid, flexible and patient." Redirecting and not arguing is the best. Logic does not work as they are losing their ability to think. This is a sad and horrible disease.
This happens with Mom every day. She wants to go home to her mother's house. I just remind her this is her own home and we don't need to go anywhere. Stop it? Probably not.
I know you can't imagine it now but years later when you hear someone complain about their loved one's confusion it will bring back fond memories of your own experiences. Until then remember the Sufi poets words once used in a speech by Abraham Lincoln "This too shall pass".
Good luck with that. There has not been a day go by since I moved mom in with me that she doesn't at least mention once that she wants to go home. She usually also throws in that she wants her car back (I bought it, it's safe in my garage, and she rides in it nearly daily), where's my husband (gone 13 years now), etc. Yeah, it's easier on both of us if I just don't argue about it unless she gets aggressive and comes at me physically, since she's always also telling me to get out of her house. I'm just glad I insisted it be my house she move to and not the reverse. And the day may soon come when I move her to memory care.
Since the consensus is, and rightly so, that you cannot change their questioning, please make sure you feel comfortable with redirecting them. Don't feel bad or guilty...you are really trying to deflect their anxiety. Good answers above!
You are not going to get them to stop. Don't even try. I went through this with my husband. Sometimes he thought our home was a hotel. Often it was a train station. Nothing I did changed his mind. That particular kind of delusion went away on its own.
I learned over the years that it usually works best to go along with the delusions. "Oh don't pack yet. We've got another three days here. And they are serving spaghetti tonight and we don't want to miss that!" "The car needs servicing/the bus (train) is running late/the bridge is under repair ... so we can't leave just yet. Aren't you glad this place is so comfortable? Let's go out on the deck and see if we can spot any new birds."
Go along, and offer a distraction. You'll save wear and tear on your patience and frustration for your loved one.
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When we try to "arrange" simple tasks as a diversion - things that need to be done before he can go - sometimes cleaning up and changing his clothes does the trick and he decides to nap instead and puts off his trip temporarily. But by the next day, he's back at it and we start the whole process over again. We do agree that this is harmless and we try to chuckle at the repetitiveness of it all as we search for new and different ways to keep him busy and interested in enjoying that which is right here at his "home" away from his "home".
The other night she got up at 3am asking where her husband was (he passed away over a year ago). I said, "Remember when he went to the car races with his sons every year?" I didn't need to go further with that, she was relieved that he was with his sons and that I was staying with her, although she has no idea I am her daughter. In other words, go back in time to find somewhere he may have been if he were still living.
If she asks about him during the day I say, "he would be walking today, it's nice out." He walked every day, rain or shine, snow or sleet, weather didn't bother him.
I learned over the years that it usually works best to go along with the delusions. "Oh don't pack yet. We've got another three days here. And they are serving spaghetti tonight and we don't want to miss that!" "The car needs servicing/the bus (train) is running late/the bridge is under repair ... so we can't leave just yet. Aren't you glad this place is so comfortable? Let's go out on the deck and see if we can spot any new birds."
Go along, and offer a distraction. You'll save wear and tear on your patience and frustration for your loved one.