How can I make my mom go into skilled care?

You are not going to get hospice without agreeing to have someone with her 24/7. Been there, they insist the patient is never left alone. When the nurse comes out, ask about a bed in a hospice facility and how to get her there. It may take a court order for emergency guardianship.

Tamiame,
First, God bless you. Your question peaked my attention and so did the answers. What a wonderful website this is.
My husband (10 years of Alzheimer's) should also be in a nursing home. He refuses to budge. He had his 3 month check-up last week and this is what his doctor advised. 1. Contact social services. All hospitals have social service counselors that can advise proper steps and procedures for dementia and Alzheimer patients. In many cases, they can also provide contacts for in-home care. 2. The best alternative if nursing homes can be avoided, is keeping your loved one at home as long as possible. The cost is much more economical and the patient much more comfortable in familiar surroundings. 3. The Department on Aging is a wonderful resource for guidance. A day care center is great for temporary respite for the caregiver, however, your mother's condition would not be an option since she is bedridden. Also, call Medicare, your health insurance provider, even your church to see if they provide some type of pastoral care to watch your mom for a few hours a week. Unfortunately Tamiame, as caregivers, we must reach out for help which involves countless hours of time and resources. It's much more difficult than mere words and suggestions. Be persistent and don't give up. Be good to yourself and never feel self-centered or preoccupied when asking for help. That's a killer. I know. It almost put me in my grave. It still may. The doctor told me, even though I am in excellent physical health, I will, in all probability backed by statistical reports, die before my husband. Why? Stress and worry kill most caregivers. Learn to unwrap the bondage paper and tape caring for your mom 24/7. Learn to accept the fact that you have a life, you are meaningful with purpose, walk away and take breaks whether that is at work, long walks, talking to a friend, shopping---whatever you enjoy doing to remove yourself mentally and physically from the situation. Caregivers are the most under-valued and least appreciated of anyone I know---a hidden and forgotten group that saves the health industry millions of dollars annually caring for those no one can, or will help. It's up to us to assume responsibility for our own well-being. And, Tamiame, there will probably come a time when the only remaining decision will be to put your mom in a place cared for by professionals. Never look back. It's God telling you...it's time to walk away...you did all you could.

Tami, your Mom needs a higher level of care and that is something you just cannot do... and Mom cannot stay home by herself. Your Mom will need to dig into her savings to hire a caregiver to be with her while you work, she is at a point where she no longer has choices.

Whatever you do, try not to quit. Guess you could use all of your vacation days and sick days, but then what? If your company has FMLA [family & medical leave act] then you could take 3 months non-paid leave and your company would need to hold your job for you. But then what after the 3 months?

Most elders do not want to go into a nursing home especially if the elder is over 80 years old... back when their parents and grandparents had to leave home for higher care, the places were asylums, pretty scary places. Elders don't realize that today's nursing homes are so much better. But if she want to spend her final days at home, then you need to follow her wishes. But she needs to hire people.

If she's competent and wants to die at home, I would respect her wishes. Many people want to die in the comfort of home and I don't blame them

Yes, it is much better when they can sit in front of the TV all day and evening in their pajamas while the life of the caregiving child ticks on by year after year. The life of the elder person matters, but so does the life of the caregiving child. It would be different if there was a team of family and friends helping, but it's not the way it is. Each situation is different. Because I stay with my mother doesn't mean I expect anyone else to be able to do the same. And I know there will come a time when I will no longer be enough. I won't feel any guilt if she has to go into long-term care.

I've sometimes considered that family caregivers could actually be doing a disservice to their parent. If a parent was in AL, then they would have incentive to get up and dressed. There would be people their own age about. They wouldn't be sitting in their pajamas in front of a TV all day long, waiting for God.

I do wish these places were more affordable. It is a question that I wish someone would ask the presidential candidates. They talk about war and healthcare, but no one asks about the problems of aging.

RE: mylifematters: Wake up people. If you really care about being a good son or daughter, spouse, family member, you sacrifice your life for this person.

I respectfully disagree. I am just about at this point with my mom. The sole caregiver. No one else except paid helpers in her home. I know if/when I get to this point, I will have NO guilt about an outside placement. I believe God has a life plan for each of us. Personally, I don't believe that for me it is "to sacrifice my life" for my 90-year-old mom, for whom I already have sacrificed many years of my life - basically she wouldn't probably still be here if it wasn't for my sacrifice. As has been said many times, every situation is unique and the solution is rarely clearcut, black and white. I would never advocate sacrificing your life for another unless it is throwing yourself in front of a car to save the life of a child about to be run over or some such thing. Just my opinion.

Your mother needs care 24/7 -- either at home or in a care center. If she wants to stay at home and can afford it try to help her liquidate her assets or whatever it will take and hire in-home care.

To every caregiver who thinks you could have or should have done more for your parent, spouse, or whoever the elderly patient in your life is: They may not wish you would do more than you can for them. I'm 85 and have been a caregiver to my mother and my three husbands who predeceased me. (My father died suddenly.) When my time comes, I don't want any of my children to "do more." Right now I'm living comfortably in an independent living facility of my choice, grateful that my mind is intact, and that I can enjoy my memories of a life well lived.

I took care of my Father his Last Two years of Life. I'm his Only Son. Mother Died Decades ago, of Cancer, in her Late Fifties, and he Never remarried. At the time I was grateful that I didn't have a "Wicked Stepmother." On Dad's Bad Days he would say that he wouldn't go to a Nursing Home or Assisted Living. But-sometimes he was Sweet-and said he'd go for My sake. I'm an Old Bachelor and it was Difficult to have a Life and care for him. I finally drove him to Assisted Living early last November. It almost felt like kidnapping at that point. He was put into Memory Care (which is like a nursing home) there, because he was deemed so Weak and Lethargic. He had one hospitalization in December, and then Hospice sweet-talked me into using their services. I actually needed them so he could have a bed with rails that he wouldn't tumble out of. He had his Ninetieth Birthday there-actually a Group cake and ice cream deal with other residents who had birthdays that month. He cried that he didn't Want a party. I am forever haunted that I didn't take him out to a restaurant, but he often fell on his head. He did so earlier when we went out for my own birthday. Hospice called me in Mid-December that he was "Starting to Decline a Little" and wanted to be put to bed in the daytime. I rushed over. He said a few words to me, and then fell into a Deep Sleep. I fed him fluids through a sponge thing, and stayed at his side for most of the next week. He began Kussmauling (Rapid Breathing) during the night of his Last Day, and then passed away at 10 AM. I know I can't complain to God or the World that he lasted all the way to Age Ninety, but I wonder if I'd done things different, if he would have lived more months or years. The head of Assisted Living offered to "Cancel the whole Hospice thing and send him across the street to the Hospital" if that's what I wanted. Maybe with supportive care he could possibly have improved. He was moving only one side of his body in spasms, so I'm haunted by the fact that he may have had some kind of Stroke. I guess, Realistically, he was at the End of the Line.

God help us all... Money is the issue in most cases when keeping our parents in their own home / surroundings. Most cannot afford 24/7 care for very long. I am the youngest daughter of 12 children.. My Mom at near 98 years old, has outlived 6 of my siblings and her 4 husbands..; the last one being 9 years her younger. She is a survivor ...even in the midst of arterial dementia... It started with a heel spur, eventually causing her stride to be off balance and eventually falling... Breaking her hip / surgery.. I've been able to keep her in her home for just over a Year since her hospital release.. It's been extremely expensive... I am married...not retired... I spent time with my Mom whuch helped some financially ..but often hired Caretakers leave or want more money etc. Leaving us with Super diffucult choices. I made a decision to move my Mom into an Assisted Living (Very Nice ) mini apartment... It cost $2,500 per month... Plus, you must furnish laundry detergent ..toilet paper & toiletries... Which is around $200. The staff aids in Bathing...helps in dressing... Keeps apartment clean ... provides all meals & administers medicine. This takes all of her SS check of $1,500...$500 from rental income and the remainder comes from her Savings..whuch will last approximately 2 years... After that, my brother & I will have to make up the difference. So the bottom line is " Money " that is desparately needed to CARINGLY make the best out of their last years... We, that are Still in the Work force and Married MUST ALSO take Time to Visit with our Parents... They Love us and depend on our Love