Is it normal to feel guilty about putting Mother into a nursing home?
Is it normal to feel guilty? I just put my mother into a nursing home. She threw a fit which I had expected. Told them we had never discussed her Going into one but we had . She made me feel so bad but I didn't know what else to do.
Oh Lauri1, I am soooo glad your mother is settling in! There will probably still be ups and downs, but at least this confirms you did the right thing!
It seems in caregiving we often have the choice of what to feel guilty about. For example, we can feel guilty for giving our loved one drugs for anxiety or we can feel guilty for letting them suffer anxiety. We can feel guilty that they are in care center or guilty that we aren't allowing them to get the best 24-hour care. There is seldom a choice to not feel guilty at all!
I felt regret when we had to place our mother in a nursing home. Regret that she had mobility issues. Regret that she had dementia. Regret that her needs had come to exceed the care that the daughter she lived with could provide. All of these things were sad, but I understood that none of them were my fault. So at least I did not also feel guilt. (Perhaps having lived with my husband with dementia for 10 years had taught me something!) As it turned out, the nursing home was really, really good for my mother, who spent her last two years content.
Come on back, Lauri, and let us know how things progress for your mother.
Well put Rainmom! It is normal to feel guilty but if you have done all you can to keep them healthy at home or in their home and it gets to the point where you just can't give them all the care they require, what other choice do you have.
When I left my mom at the nursing home I felt like a parent feels when they leave their child at kindergarten the first time. It will get easier though. You needn't feel guilty.
It's very normal to feel guilty. It's not a happy occasion and probably qualifies for a spot on a "top ten" worse experiences anyone - both parent and adult child - will go through. While it may seem like splitting hairs, I look at it as feeling badly rather than feeling guilty. Guilt implies you've done some wrong. In mine and my mothers case - I had no choice. For lots of reasons a nursing home was the only possible way for my mother to receive the round the clock, medical attention she required. So I felt badly but not guilty- and recognizing the difference helped.
5 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
It seems in caregiving we often have the choice of what to feel guilty about. For example, we can feel guilty for giving our loved one drugs for anxiety or we can feel guilty for letting them suffer anxiety. We can feel guilty that they are in care center or guilty that we aren't allowing them to get the best 24-hour care. There is seldom a choice to not feel guilty at all!
I felt regret when we had to place our mother in a nursing home. Regret that she had mobility issues. Regret that she had dementia. Regret that her needs had come to exceed the care that the daughter she lived with could provide. All of these things were sad, but I understood that none of them were my fault. So at least I did not also feel guilt. (Perhaps having lived with my husband with dementia for 10 years had taught me something!) As it turned out, the nursing home was really, really good for my mother, who spent her last two years content.
Come on back, Lauri, and let us know how things progress for your mother.
ADVERTISEMENT
When I left my mom at the nursing home I felt like a parent feels when they leave their child at kindergarten the first time. It will get easier though. You needn't feel guilty.