How do I deal with my mother lying to others about my family?

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Rogue1972 Asked November 2016

How do I deal with my mother lying to others about my family?

My adult son recently moved in with my mom to help care for her. I'm disabled and can barely care for myself. When my son goes to work, every evening my mom calls screaming at me or at my voice mail if I'm not at home. 3 nights ago I finally told her that she can't continue hurting me and I hung up. She proceed to call the police and tell them that my husband has been beating me. The police realized that she was ill and dismissed her after she also said invisible people live in her house and she had a gun. (They did take her gun and gave it to us). Last night while my son was working she called and started screaming at me again, then I heard a crash. My husband drove me to her house in my pajamas (I'm not able to drive anymore) and we found her unconscious on the floor. I called 911 and realized that she must have took too much insulin. Her blood sugar was only 28. Now at the hospital today she told the nurses that my husband pushed her after she told me that she can't believe her daughter would shove her down. We weren't even there before her fall and if we wouldn't have shown up she would be dead now. How do I deal with this situation? I don't even want to see her if she's going to accuse us and possibly get us in trouble. I don't want her to go to a nursing facility and she refuses to go as well. Her doctor suggests starting home hospice, but I don't know enough about it to feel that's the right choice. My son has so much on him (he's an emt) without dealing with her, and she's so mean and hateful to me. I can't deal emotionally or physically with her screaming at me like she does. Any suggestions?

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score 0 · Answer 1

Rogue: [[[hugs]]]

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score 2 · Answer 2

Rogue, I'm so sorry! I hope she starts doing better fast, and that you are ok.

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score 1 · Answer 3

Rogue, oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! It does sound like your Mom may have been havoc mini-strokes for a while, causing these cognitive changes, in addition to her Diabetes problems. At least now, she will be getting the help she needs at the hospital. If there is a way that you can push through the request for additional Geriatric Psychological pending her recovery, now is the time! If Hospice has been recommended, please remember that it can be done in an outpatient setting, either in a Hospice unit (prefferably), or in a nursing home. I hope things work out for the best!

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score 3 · Answer 4

Rogue, I'm so sorry to hear that. Please let us know how things are going. We care!

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score 2 · Answer 5

Rogue, let us know what happens. ((((Hugs))))

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score 2 · Answer 6

While still in the hospital, this morning she had a stroke so, this now changes everything. Now we're living moment to moment. Thanks everyone for your help.

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score 2 · Answer 7

I don't understand why you wouldn't want your mom in a facility where they can supervise her around the clock and ensure that her blood sugars are under control. I am a Type I diabetic and it is a huge responsibility to keep your blood sugar amounts under control. Taking insulin involves frequent blood sugar checks throughout the day and calculations of the number of carbs that you will consume, taking physical activity into account. It's not simple and if her cognition is declining, this is not something she may be able to do and someone can';t casually pick up on how to do this. I've been doing it for many years and it's a full time job. I would hope someone would get for me help if I needed it.

As long as she is falsely accusing you, I'd take video footage whenever in her presence and I would try to avoid being around her unless there are witnesses. I'd seek help for her though. I might remind your son that leaving her alone under these circumstances could bring trouble on him. She's sounds like a senior in need of constant supervision. Why not get her assessed professionally?

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score 2 · Answer 8

BTW, when something happens to my mother, she looks around for something that caused it. I actually think that what she picks out as the cause becomes truth in her mind. You'll have to reassure your mother that you and your husband would never hurt her. It can be hard to reassure them, since their reality can be totally different from ours. Still, it is the only way I know to reassure her you wouldn't hurt her. If the even is investigated, just tell the truth. The officials will probably understand.

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score 2 · Answer 9

Rogue, my mother is a difficult diabetic with dementia. When her sugar is either too high or too low, she can act crazy. It is especially bad when it gets low. She gets very angry and confused. She occasionally has nighttime hypoglycemia, which is scary. It can be very difficult to manage the insulin as people get older. Even with insulin, there can be spikes and valleys in blood sugar. What we do is try to keep my mother's sugar average around 150. I actually feel better in the evening if it is somewhere around 200 before she goes to bed. That way nighttime hypoglycemia is not such a threat.

Poorly managed blood sugar can cause something called metabolic dementia. If hypoglycemia happens too often, the damage can become permanent. Diabetics are also at higher risk for vascular dementia and Alzheimer's. See about having your mother checked out for her reasoning ability. It sounds like she may need 24-hour supervision as others suggested.

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score 3 · Answer 10

Remember too, that there is a phone record of her call to you, if God forbid there is some sort of investigation of physical abuse! That should help to substantiate at least, where you were at the time of her phone call to you, and your investigation of her wellbeing. Good luck, it sounds like a good time to get her into nursing home care. I would tell the hospital before they release her, that there is nobody home during long periods of time, and that she would be home alone, and shouldn't be alone like that considering her disability and hostility! They will help you to find a place for her, But only if you are very strict about your insistance!

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score 4 · Answer 11

If your mother is an insulin dependent diabetic who cannot reliably manage her insulin she is, as you point out, at risk of overdose and death. If care cannot be arranged for her at home then she will need to be moved to a residential facility. Your son is her primary caregiver? Then let him and his grandmother solve this dilemma between them. Don't feel bad about it, either: he moved in to care for her, he's a responsible young man in a healthcare profession - let him sort it out.

By the way, don't hypos tend to lead to aggression and confusion? Your mother's behaviour is the result of genuine illness. Try not to blame her for it, or to take her irrational rages to heart. She needs experienced care.

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score 4 · Answer 12

Rogue, I'd use this opportunity to request a psych eval at the hospital (ask for her to be seen by geriatric psychiatrist.) I would stay on their back about this because they might try to release your mom before anyone gets that order through. If these are newer behaviors for her, ask her hospitalist to check for UTI, electrolyte imbalance, drug interactions, etc because those things can also make an older person act like that.

It sounds like your mom has some dementia; in general, symptoms get worse in the evening. If your son works nights, it's just not going to be enough unless you can find a way to get a paid caregiver to stay with her.

Nursing homes are not fun (though some seem to be quite nice) -- it's not ideal but sometimes the reality is that when a loved one needs constant supervision, one person cannot possibly provide all the care they need. The risks and stresses of keeping her at home might be greater than the unpleasantness of having to put her to in a NH.

I would continue to visit or her but do not sugar coat to staff how erratic her behavior has been or your struggles caring for her. I'm sorry you are going through this -- your hearts are in the right place but things do sometimes reach a point where caring for someone at home is no longer a healthy choice for anyone.

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score 4 · Answer 13

Rogue, if anyone at the hospital does institute an investigation, insist that she be examined for bruises and marks that would indicate the alleged physical assault she claims. A push who falls naturally will have different marks on her body than one who is pushed - that extra force can affect her injuries.

And be sure to raise the incident of prior accusations and insist they contact the police to get the prior police report.

As an EMT, your son has enough pressure and stress w/o having to put up with aggressive behavior and false accusations against you.

Whether you want her in a facility or not, I agree with Babalou; her behavior dictates it's not prudent for family to care for her any longer. She may tolerate home caregivers, but if she doesn't, any agency hired might not want their workers in a situation in which they could be falsely accused.

Is her hostile behavior new or is this characteristic of her personality?

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score 3 · Answer 14

Why don't you want her in anursing facility? She is clearly not able to care for herself.

Can she set uo a home care agency to sens caregivers to her home around the clock? Can she afford that?

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How do I deal with my mother lying to others about my family?

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