I am coping the best I can dealing with the sadness myself. Since Mom has been in long term care, her dementia has advanced quickly, But as her POA and daughter, I'm trying to keep my sadness and negative thoughts at bay just to keep my act together. I focus on the positive things and moments when Mom is still herself. However,the best friend (since high school) calls me venting how horribly upset and distraught she is to witness the dementia when she visits. I recognize her need to do this, as natural part of grieving, but it depresses me - especially after I've had a positive visit with Mom. I've tried hinting to her that I don't appreciate her doing this - but she doesn't hear. She only rambles on and on. She herself is 92, and I think she might be more worried about herself than Mom...afraid it will happen to her? She talks about the good old days, and how they all had 50 years of wonderful retirement, enjoying the Florida life style..when I'm newly retired and not rolling in money - and with the burden of Mom on my shoulders!
The last thing I want to do is disrespect this person, since there's so much history between our families. But, I feel like a door mat sometimes, letting her depress me with her sad thoughts. I may just have to abruptly end the conversation due to a fictitious distraction? This feels harsh, but I'm not able to stop her when she gets going.
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How does she monitor your mom's progression? Does she visit her a lot? Is what she saying true? If she is seeing your mom fade further each visit and becoming overwhelmed with it, perhaps, it's not in her best interest to keep visiting so often. I might see if she remains upset when talking to her daughter about it. Sharing her observations is healthy, but not with you. You have your own journey to deal with this and must conserve your emotional resources.
I'm all for compassion, but, I don't think I could take this nice lady calling me a lot and obsessing about my mom's deficiencies. I'd have to avoid her calls or interrupt her by saying, yes, mom is struggling, but she's being well cared for and that's what I focus on now. And change subject or end the call.
This sounds like such a cold answer. It wasn't meant to sound that way. I don't think people know how to act when someone is sick or dying, and sometimes they do really inappropriate things. We have to look past it and deal with our own grief. Their grief about our loved one is not ours to deal with, since we are family.
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Maybe, she's not processing how inappropriate her negative comments are and maybe, she forgets how much she is saying, so she keeps repeating it. She's just not aware and may have no idea it's inappropriate, so, I'd have to resolve the matter. I might see if there is someone on her end to act as a filter or buffer. Does she have family nearby or is their staff who is making these calls to you on her behalf? If not, I'd be blunt and come up with a nice and comforting catch phrase that you can just keep repeating and then end the phone call.
Keep a timer fairly close to the phone. When you see her number on caller ID, set the timer to however long you feel comfortable speaking with her. When it rings, politely excuse yourself as you (a) roast is done and needs to be taken out of the oven (and eaten) (b) your bread needs to be punched down (c) your cake is done baking, or a similarly polite excuse.
If you have a way of recording your doorbell, do that, and play it when you're ready to terminate the conversation.
You can also be very polite and tell her that you understand her position b'c you've been and are there, but it's becoming overwhelming and you're now turning your attention to more positive aspects of caregiving. Then ask her to share some.
She seems like a good friend; perhaps you can turn her perspective into a more positive one for the benefit of both of you.
Good luck!
It is great that this friend is visiting your Mom. So many just give up and stop going. Could the friend by Mom something small to give to Mom, then when she does call you can tell her that Mom smiles when she sees or wears this item. A positive spin.