My parent's caretaker asked my mother for $300 because she couldn't pay the rent this month. Any advice?

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful answers. My mom does not have dementia- it's my dad who has it slightly. The caretaker is paid through an agency so we can't give her an advance. They would probably fire her if I told them what she did. I am sympathetic to the caretaker's financial problems but I do feel it crossed the line asking my mother for the money. No terms were set up for repayment.Yes, I will have to speak with her privately to set out better ground rules and to contact me with any issues so as not to trouble my parents. Thank you so much for everyone's input!

Also, did the caretaker ask or did your mother offer? Without having been there to hear exactly how the conversation went how could you be sure, and it does make quite a difference. The caregiver still, technically speaking, ought not to have accepted money from your parents; but it's a hard thing to refuse help when you really need it.

Talk to the caregiver sympathetically and see if you can't set out better ground rules for future reference.

Good suggestion, Jessie.

I was thinking the same thing as Pam, above. I wonder if this really happened as those with memory issues have a habit of creating stories or misunderstanding things.

Oh, I just thought of a way it would be okay -- to ask for an advance on pay. That would have been a totally different thing if the helper had arranged to have a certain amount cut from her check for a certain period of time. From what was written, that was not done. (I don't know if her agency would have even liked this, since the agency is probably the one dispersing the pay.)

It did cross a professional line that shouldn't have been crossed. I am probably more sensitive to it because we went through it here.

I have seen posts on here where some helper seemed to be operating a gold-digger scam, repeatedly getting money or other goodies by taking advantage of an impaired person. That I definitely report.

ALS999's case does not seem (from what is posted) to fall into this category. For one thing, the helper did not appeal to the man who has dementia, but to his wife. This is a judgment call ALS999 has to make, weighing charitable instincts and risks of exploitation.

Did this really happen or is it something your mom dreamed about? Make sure it really happened. If your parents have dementia, why on earth would there be cash in the house? Think it through.

My mother had a helper before I was living here. The woman was unemployed and had a couple of kids. She was always getting money from my mother. My mother would give her big chunks of cash and the worker would promise to work off the debt. But then she never would. She took pay for anything she did, then asked for more.

In my way of thinking, a professional should never cross the line of asking for or accepting money from a client. If you are comfortable, please ask her about it and tell her not to do it again. I personally would be tempted to report it to the agency. If she is doing it to your mother, she may be doing it to other clients.

Your father has dementia. Is your mother mentally competent? Is there any reason why she can't be trusted to use her own judgment in responding to requests? For example, do you worry about her getting scammed by mailed appeals?

I am quite sure that what this caregiver did is against agency rules, and she could probably lose her job over it. Is that what you want? If all you want is for her to come to you first, have a conversation with her and your mother and make sure everyone is on the same page.

We had a PCA from an agency. She was awesome. I knew she had a lot of challenges at home -- disabled husband, young daughter, father in bad health. If she had asked me for a loan for a specific reason I might have turned her down. Or I might have emailed my family and asked if anyone wanted to chip in on this good cause. I absolutely would not have turned her in to her agency.

Within my family we have many many times participated in programs that anonymously provide needy families with holiday gifts, clothing, and food. I have given to needy families on Go Fund Me. So I don't see what would be so different in helping out someone I knew personally, if I could. If I couldn't I would say so. I wouldn't cause the person to lose her job, making her situation worse.

This crosses all kinds of ethical boundaries and is probably an offence for which she can lose her job. Because of your previously good relationship with this person you could meet face to face with her and ask for her assurance that this will never happen again and remain watchful. On the other hand if you fail to report her to her superiors you leave her other clients vulnerable to the same behaviour.