What has been your experience after moving someone to assisted living when they did not want to go?

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AvaC42 Asked December 2016

What has been your experience after moving someone to assisted living when they did not want to go?

My mom is 85 and lives alone. My dad passed away two years ago and since they married when she was 19, she hadn't ever lived alone before. Her home is in the country and she doesn't drive making the winter months very difficult. My brother lives next door and I also live close by so she does have visitors quite often but she seems lonely and depressed. She has some memory and mobility issues - about what is expected for someone her age. We are concerned both for her emotional and physical well-being and have approached her a number of times about trying out assisted living. She is adamant that she does not want to move ("you might as well put me in the ground!") and she doesn't want someone living with her. As I've read a number of times here, it seems like we are just waiting for something to happen which will force the issue and that is scary. So, I'm interested in hearing what others who have had this same problem experienced after the person they care for did move into assisted living. Are they happier or are they miserable? It seems like my Mom would like to be around other people, have activities and be able to go out with a group but, unfortunately, she doesn't see it that way.

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score 2 · Answer 1

My ex-husband, who was living with two non-housebroken dogs, leaks in the pipes, dirt everywhere, could no longer drive and depended on our two kids to bring him groceries, a lot of which he didn't eat because he could no longer remember how to cook. When he started falling in the driveway going to get mail, the kids got him evaluated and he has dementia (age 82); he begged our nurse daughter for suicide pills, but they put him in rehab and then nursing home. He loves his "sitter," she is the only one who can manage him. It's expensive but apparently he had saved all his money by not doing repairs or buying clothes for I don't know how long. Anyway, he is happy as a clam now, even though he does talk about "when I get home." He doesn't know house was sold to highest bidder at a fraction of what it was once worth.

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score 2 · Answer 2

If your mom is unhappy, she will be unhappy wherever she lives. My MIL thanks us for moving them into independent living where my inlaws both have services at their fingertips. They have peers around them, have made friends, and one can see they both are better off. MIL liked it almost immediately. FIL complained for a year but even before their move he complained about everything wrong with his life, and so did it really matter where he lived? My husband says that if his dad wants to be miserable at least he's miserable in a place that treats him like a king.

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score 2 · Answer 3

I agree: maybe another tack you could try with your mother is that she can't say she doesn't like it unless she's tried it. See if you can't find somewhere that will let her spend a couple of weeks to a month so that she can see if she takes to it. If not, fair enough; but she might be pleasantly surprised and at least give it another go.

Don't do less than a fortnight, because you might find as I did with my mother that she's quite capable of folding her arms and metaphorically holding her breath until it's time to go home and then she won't get the benefit.

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score 3 · Answer 4

We talked mom into a one month "vacation" at assisted living. After only two weeks, she decided she loved it. Nice meals, bus trips, lots of company and activities. Like going on a cruise, but the ship does not leave the dock.

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score 3 · Answer 5

My mom moved into AL in October 2015 (not by her choice, I may add) and it has given her a new lease of life. Yes, she has grumbles, and doesn't get on with everyone, but she loves it. She has made so many new friends, people she would never have got to know otherwise.
She has been on days out and to numerous birthday parties. There is something on every day and she's miserable if there's a single morning or afternoon with nothing to do.
She is now rehearsing for the Christmas show and hoping they have another in the new year. It has helped her so much. And it saved my sanity.

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What has been your experience after moving someone to assisted living when they did not want to go?

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