My brother is resentful that I cannot come and help him with my mother's care. Any ideas? I live several states away and have limited finances but he still is angry. I do not feel like he understands anything I try to explain. It does not help that we have a difficult relationship to begin with. Any ideas and comments would be welcome.
THanks
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Having said that, I admit to guilting my sibs into paying more attention to mother, altho we have a different dynamic. Nobody lives more than 20 minutes away from her, so I felt OK about a gentle reminder to actually VISIT or CALL her each month. I couldn't command them, and I didn't. I actually didn't expect they'd step up, but they did.
In any case, you do the best you can do and turn a deaf ear to the others. My mom loves a long phone chat, a visit is better, we have to remember that people in their 80's may not enjoy emails or texts. I hate texts, but a nice chatty email--it's almost as nice as an old fashioned letter. (I'm only 60, but I still love to get actual cards and letters..and of course, I don't get either!!)
But to me in the beginning when we found out mom had Alzheimer's, I would have helped anyway. Shes my mom. ❤️ I would have put up with anything just to have those few prescious moments that I'm forever grateful for.
Can you send cards? Call Mom? Frequently thank your brother for all he does? Make arrangements to go and stay at his home while you visit Mom in the AL and he takes some time off of that duty? Can you do things online that would free up time for him? e.g. incontinence and health and beauty items can be ordered online and delivered to your brother or the AL. That frees up his time. Can you do research online for things he needs answers to ? Out of area siblings rarely have an idea of how much time and emotion is drained in caregiving parents, even when they are in a facility! Tell us more and there will be a number of ideas you can use from a variety of caregivers on this site.
I think you should stop being defensive and trying to explain, since that hasn't worked in the past. Agree with him, and try to move the conversation to different topics. "Yes. It really is too bad I can't afford to be there more often. I'm glad that Mom has you to visit her."
Postage stamps and phone calls are not expensive. Send your mom cheery notes or greeting cards. If she can handle phone calls, call her at a set time, such as 2:00 on Sundays. Even if your brother doesn't appreciate your efforts, your mom will!
You cannot control your brother's feelings. Refuse to accept accountability for them.