He is 81, I am 50. I go to his house a few time a week to clean, pay bills, laundry, take him out, etc. When he tries, I don't look. Last time I threatened him that I won't come back if he keeps this up. Do I really not go back? I am all he has.
Also, when I first came here to help my dad, I was full of positivity and good will, thought I could get to know this man who was my father as an adult, and maybe we could have a friendship of sorts. I wanted that. It took a year before I realized that probably couldn't happen, he was too damaged and damaging. But because I started off caregiving to my grandmother, that's what opened the door to hands on caregiving to dysfunctional parent, because he lived with her. I thought I could handle it, past experiences and all. I was naive and I've paid a high price for that naïveté.
Btw, I'm in a doctor waiting room right now, which is why I'm getting long winded here. That and I am usually wordy, anyway, hahahah!!! Cheers, Happy Monday, and best of luck with your caregiving situation!
I did find ways to delegate more and more of his care, and that helped a lot, but I messed up big when I got myself "stuck" living there and caring for him without my own income and then I was ill for a couple years due to different causes.
Over, if your father doesn't have Medicaid, then he has enough income to hire someone to come a couple times a week to help him out... doesn't he?
My situation is a long story but I got stuck living at my grandmother/dad's house when I went 1800 miles to "help them out for a bit." I never went back due to... non stop medical issues with grandmother then dad, also my long term boyfriend sorta dumped me after I'd been here for a year... I didn't blame him but I didn't know how to leave the situation.
Why didn't I turn my dad's needs over to SW? Since I was living there with him, I just did what needed to be done. My dad has some lowered cognitive ability and... that made it easier to get myself sucked in, because I didn't think he would even get the life saving help he needed if I wasn't there. What he was dealing with for several years wasn't just shopping/housekeeping needs (though he needs help with that, too), but he had recurring infections that could kill him, and he had them often, and he didn't understand he was sick. I didn't know how to walk away from that level of need, and I was also so run down during much of that time. Any energy I had went into getting him to needed medical care, instead of planning an "escape" plan.
It is what it is. It's over and I'm very glad. I was so naive to take on his care, given the history, but I was "over the past." That's how I saw it when I started as his caregiver. I didn't know he could re-harm me, as an adult. Being around him all the time is so hard on me. In the next couple weeks, im taking him to look at Senior HUD apartments and I'm dreading the time alone with him, but it wasn't always like that.
Overwhelmed, AgingCare has just today made major changes to site format, so I cannot see previous answers, but I did see your question to me, asking if I'm able to care for my dad w/o resentment.
No, it's been an extremely hurtful experience. I've experienced so much anger, depression, anxiety trying to meet his needs even while I felt preyed upon at times. I developed a panic disorder that was pretty debilitating for a couple of years. I'm forever changed by caregiving to my dad, but my situation seems to be winding up, thankfully. My bro in another city has been keeping my father for past 5 months or so, and I'm working to get him into an Independent Living situation. It's been the most difficult time of my life, caregiving to him.
That's why I'm concerned for you. I don't think this is a situation where you can directly help your father and not be hurt by his actions -- I think that even more so now that you say you didn't grow up with him.
Inform the social worker about your dad's actions. The SW may be able to arrange a medical evaluation, if they feel it's appropriate. If your father has Medicaid, it covers someone coming in to his home to help with incontinence and housekeeping issues. Medicaid has their own social workers, so you would want to contact them if he does have that coverage.
Alibobali, you are taking care of your father now without resenting it?
He has onlvy seen this doctor once, since he has moved here to my neighborhood. He is not keen on going to doctors. I will take the advice of getting a social worker.
Overwhelmed, I was not raised around my father though my mother did take us for visits with him and that's when he first showed the pattern of being inappropriate.
Does your father have a doctor that you can talk to about this issue?
Thank you all for your empathy and advice. My father and I just met 8 years ago. I don't know how he lived his life or what is going on in his head. I have a husband, 2 school aged sons, a dog and a house to take care of and I make time to go over there and clean his incontinence mess and now this. (Yes, I'm angry.)
You are not his doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, social worker, or wife. You do not need to put up with this behavior regardless of why it's happening. If he's got dementia, find him a male aide. If he's acting this way because he's depressed, run away as far and as fast as you can. Even at 81 he probably is stronger than you.
Good point, jeanne. You're right, of course - if it's new behavior, it's symptomatic of progressing neurological/cognitive issue. I think... I'm too personally biased to give good advice on this issue as it relates to aging/elder care. :/
Overwhelmed100 , you are not alone! If you search on this site (bars to the left of AgingCare in the blue band at top) you will find dozens of questions about fathers and fathers-in-law and wives and caretakers who are dealing with persons with dementia who have suddenly become obsessed with sex and who are inappropriate in expressing this.
This why I think there may be something more than depression going on with your father. Can you talk to his doctor about this new symptom, and perhaps get Father evaluated?
Overwhelmed, there are social services/senior services that can help your father. Either he stops being like this -- not one more time! -- or you should turn his needs/care over to a social worker. You can call your state's Dept of Aging to get contact info for local social worker. I'm concerned for your mental wellbeing. This kind of treatment by a parent takes an incredible toll.
Somehow this behavior sounds like something other than depression. Does he have any other signs of dementia?
Has is relationship with you always involved inappropriate behavior? Has he objectified you, as AliBoBali describes it? If this is part of a longstanding flaw in your relationship, I think that is a different situation than his brain suddenly developing some short circuits. Either way, though, you don't need to put up with it.
Overwhelmed, you say on your profile that dad's primary ailment is depression, not dementia. And given your reaction to him exposing himself, it seems like you know he's doing this on purpose... as a gratification to himself at your expense.
My father has a lifetime history of objectifying me and treating me in ways inappropriate for a father to treat a daughter. Beyond the inappropriateness, it's hurtful to me and makes me feel terrible inside. It makes you feel terrible inside, too, doesn't it, when your dad does this...? And here you are, helping him, giving to his needs, and he treats you like this. You're not going to last long, imho, w/o getting Very depressed or Very angry yourself. You should put a stop to this asap.
I basically verbally put my foot up my father's backside so hard and so far when he would say say or do things that were inappropriate. I communicated to him in no uncertain terms that this was not something he could do to me.
Is that something you can do with your dad? Can you be ticked off enough to stand up to him? He's bullying you. He thinks you'll cow and he can keep playing his game with you. You have to show him that he cannot bully you.
I might come back to this later. I'm working on something but I saw your post, Overwhelmed, and I've been down a similar road. How are you not crushed inside by how your father - that you're caregiving to out of the goodness of your heart - objectifies you for his own gratification? If that's what's going on, put a stop to it now for both of your sakes. You can't continue caregiving to him without deeply hurting yourself if you allow him to treat you like that. That's my opinion. I want you to stay mentally/emotionally safe during caregiving to him and I don't see how you can if you let this continue. :/ (((((hugs)))))
Does your Dad have Dementia? Was he ever sexually abusive towards you or anyone in his past? Are you the only person he does this to? Can you speak with his Dr about this, as there may be some medical diagnosis that is making him behave this way, probably a misfire in his brain, connected to some form of dementia. So sorry this is happening, it is uncomfortable I'm sure.
I think you are going to have to have a stern conversation with him, telling him how inappropriate his behavior is, and how uncomfortable it makes you feel, when he displays this sort of behavior. And if it continues, you are going to have to find ways to limit your involvement with him.
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Btw, I'm in a doctor waiting room right now, which is why I'm getting long winded here. That and I am usually wordy, anyway, hahahah!!! Cheers, Happy Monday, and best of luck with your caregiving situation!
Have I thourougly over explained yet? Lol! ;-)
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My situation is a long story but I got stuck living at my grandmother/dad's house when I went 1800 miles to "help them out for a bit." I never went back due to... non stop medical issues with grandmother then dad, also my long term boyfriend sorta dumped me after I'd been here for a year... I didn't blame him but I didn't know how to leave the situation.
Why didn't I turn my dad's needs over to SW? Since I was living there with him, I just did what needed to be done. My dad has some lowered cognitive ability and... that made it easier to get myself sucked in, because I didn't think he would even get the life saving help he needed if I wasn't there. What he was dealing with for several years wasn't just shopping/housekeeping needs (though he needs help with that, too), but he had recurring infections that could kill him, and he had them often, and he didn't understand he was sick. I didn't know how to walk away from that level of need, and I was also so run down during much of that time. Any energy I had went into getting him to needed medical care, instead of planning an "escape" plan.
It is what it is. It's over and I'm very glad. I was so naive to take on his care, given the history, but I was "over the past." That's how I saw it when I started as his caregiver. I didn't know he could re-harm me, as an adult. Being around him all the time is so hard on me. In the next couple weeks, im taking him to look at Senior HUD apartments and I'm dreading the time alone with him, but it wasn't always like that.
My father has Medicare, not Medicaid.
No, it's been an extremely hurtful experience. I've experienced so much anger, depression, anxiety trying to meet his needs even while I felt preyed upon at times. I developed a panic disorder that was pretty debilitating for a couple of years. I'm forever changed by caregiving to my dad, but my situation seems to be winding up, thankfully. My bro in another city has been keeping my father for past 5 months or so, and I'm working to get him into an Independent Living situation. It's been the most difficult time of my life, caregiving to him.
That's why I'm concerned for you. I don't think this is a situation where you can directly help your father and not be hurt by his actions -- I think that even more so now that you say you didn't grow up with him.
Inform the social worker about your dad's actions. The SW may be able to arrange a medical evaluation, if they feel it's appropriate. If your father has Medicaid, it covers someone coming in to his home to help with incontinence and housekeeping issues. Medicaid has their own social workers, so you would want to contact them if he does have that coverage.
He has onlvy seen this doctor once, since he has moved here to my neighborhood. He is not keen on going to doctors. I will take the advice of getting a social worker.
Does your father have a doctor that you can talk to about this issue?
This why I think there may be something more than depression going on with your father. Can you talk to his doctor about this new symptom, and perhaps get Father evaluated?
Has is relationship with you always involved inappropriate behavior? Has he objectified you, as AliBoBali describes it? If this is part of a longstanding flaw in your relationship, I think that is a different situation than his brain suddenly developing some short circuits. Either way, though, you don't need to put up with it.
My father has a lifetime history of objectifying me and treating me in ways inappropriate for a father to treat a daughter. Beyond the inappropriateness, it's hurtful to me and makes me feel terrible inside. It makes you feel terrible inside, too, doesn't it, when your dad does this...? And here you are, helping him, giving to his needs, and he treats you like this. You're not going to last long, imho, w/o getting Very depressed or Very angry yourself. You should put a stop to this asap.
I basically verbally put my foot up my father's backside so hard and so far when he would say say or do things that were inappropriate. I communicated to him in no uncertain terms that this was not something he could do to me.
Is that something you can do with your dad? Can you be ticked off enough to stand up to him? He's bullying you. He thinks you'll cow and he can keep playing his game with you. You have to show him that he cannot bully you.
I might come back to this later. I'm working on something but I saw your post, Overwhelmed, and I've been down a similar road. How are you not crushed inside by how your father - that you're caregiving to out of the goodness of your heart - objectifies you for his own gratification? If that's what's going on, put a stop to it now for both of your sakes. You can't continue caregiving to him without deeply hurting yourself if you allow him to treat you like that. That's my opinion. I want you to stay mentally/emotionally safe during caregiving to him and I don't see how you can if you let this continue. :/ (((((hugs)))))
I think you are going to have to have a stern conversation with him, telling him how inappropriate his behavior is, and how uncomfortable it makes you feel, when he displays this sort of behavior. And if it continues, you are going to have to find ways to limit your involvement with him.