My mother-in-law's sister dislikes one of her caregivers and is accusing her of abuse. Any advice?

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Dominic2016 Asked December 2016

My mother-in-law's sister dislikes one of her caregivers and is accusing her of abuse. Any advice?

My husband is POA over his mother (97) who has dementia/Alzheimer's. 24/7 care is provided for her in her own home. This was her wish. She has a 90 yr. old sister that comes to visit her several times weekly and is causing problems. She dislikes one of our caregivers and treats her horribly.. Now, the caregiver is being accused of abuse, although nothing has been witnessed. We know this is not true, but the sister is very difficult and has always been a trouble maker. I called in the head of an agency that has over 100 caregivers. The owner came to the home and evaluated the home, the caregiver, my mother in law, etc. She spent over 2 hours. I have written confirmation that my mother in laws home, her care and her health and happiness are perfect. Now, I am afraid that the sister will call the police or some agency to yell "abuse" because she will be upset with the findings of the agency that evaluated the situation. Should my husband also try to get guardianship so we do not have to deal with his Aunt?

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score 0 · Answer 1

I don't think the caregiver should be replaced if the MIL likes her. It's hard to find good caretakers. You have proof f an evaluation that there is no abuse. You can take her to her primary and have her checked out. I don't think u have to worry about the police. You have documentation. The woman is 90. Even without Dementia she probably has age related problems. Tell her you took her worries to heart and had her evaluated and everything is good. You said she has always been like this. Tell her you are looking out for ur MIL and at this time are not changing here routine. She is welcome to visit but you would appreciate her not stirring the pot.

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score 0 · Answer 2

The camera is what you need. And tell the care-givers AND the sister about it. That may end the problem all by itself. If not, you might be able to ascertain what the real issue is.

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score 1 · Answer 3

What sort of abuse are we talking about? Perhaps the sister has wittnessed them giving her a sponge bath that the mother didn't want. Or getting her to take her pills that she didn't want. Or getting her up and dressed that she didn't want? That is not abuse. The 90 year old might be worried about herself only a few years off, and is in denial about the kind of forsed care a person needs. When the sister comes over perhaps someone of the family can be there at the same time.

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score 0 · Answer 4

Wow, how do you afford 24/7 help in their homes? Must be loaded!

If you are that well off, installing nanny-cams will be a breeze. Switch around the caregivers. The 90 year old sounds demented herself, how does she get there, does she drive herself (god forbid) - or does someone drive her? Maybe they should come in with her and observe, for all you know, the 90 year old is the one doing the abuse. .... Keep an eye out for any physical signs of abuse, how I hate hate hate hearing about helpless people being abused!

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score 2 · Answer 5

I would suspect the 90 yr. old sister has some sort of dementia as well and the accusations of "stealing" are all in her mind. Why don't you just replace the one caregiver with another and see if the situation improves? People click with other people, and maybe this sister had a person in their life this one caregiver reminds her of and she disliked her so she transferred that dislike. It seems to me your husband's family (and husband) have great longevity genes (and dementia gene) and the sister-in-law won't get full-blown dementia for quite some time so she must be allowed to visit. They have a bond only they have, and caregivers can never share that. The replaced caregiver should understand. I did home health care and one time a patient accused me of stealing and I was replaced, but I didn't take it personally. I just went to another case.

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score 1 · Answer 6

I totally agree with pamstegma. Since you are sure there is no abuse going on, deal with the sister and not the caregiver. Hearing her sister berate this caregiver is not good for your MIL and might cause her to start believing things that aren't real. Does the sister show up unannounced? Can the caregiver call someone when she shows up to come supervise her interaction with your MIL? Does the sister have a driver who could call you? If the sister is on her own journey through Dementia, telling her she's not allowed to visit will only exacerbate the situation and I have the feeling she'll still show up. Supervision is really the best alternative.

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score 0 · Answer 7

Put in a nanny cam-today.

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score 1 · Answer 8

Place video monitors/cameras in place. This way there will be proof that no abuse is occurring and you will be able to see how the sister treats the caregivers that are there. You can use this as a way to exclude her unless you or your husband are present.
Since it is a private residence you should have no problems with the equipment. Let the management of the agency know as well as the caregivers. Stress that you are not doing this to "catch" them but to prove that they are not doing anything wrong that you are doing this so that you have proof that the sister is the one that is the problem. You may have caregivers that act differently for a while but they will soon forget that the cameras are there.

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score 3 · Answer 9

It sounds as if you have your MIL well cared for. Maybe the aunt takes a situation the wrong way. Maybe the aunt is a little bit correct. If it was me I would get a nanny cam (i don't know which is best) and find out for yourself. Your MIL's care is top priority. Maybe everything is great, but you will know for yourself this way. You can also talk to the police about this situation with the aunt so they have a heads up on what is happening. I wish you all the best of luck.

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score 0 · Answer 10

Have the sister come to visit when the other caregiver is on duty. It would be interesting to see what happens. If she starts to complain about that caregiver, then you know the problems aren't the caregivers, but the sister.

There will always be relatives who think they know more than the caregiver who is quite experienced. And if your Mom-in-law likes these caregivers, that is what is most important. Just hope her sister doesn't throw more wrenches into what is working out very well.

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score 7 · Answer 11

Do not leave the 90 year old unsupervised. Tell her quite firmly that if she continues to complain, she cannot come over. If you let her continue, you will have a hard time getting caregivers. I tend to think the 90 year old has some dementia issues of her own. Can you document that?

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My mother-in-law's sister dislikes one of her caregivers and is accusing her of abuse. Any advice?

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