Her daughter has been fighting lymphoma & acutely ill past 6months. She and family left for NM over 35+ years and lived well with trips home to visit regularly. Mom has been longing to see her daughter and the visit didn't happen 2016. She spoke with her last week.. Her daughter was close to her heart but too far away. Mom knows of her illness but forgets and we do keep telling her how serious and that her recovery is not going to happen. Just yesterday I told her that all was not good and Carolyn wasn't eating .My husband is Carolyn's sister and we are heartbroken. We live across the way from mom and we are her caregiveers and only family here at home. What to say what to do . Need some input . God give us all strength.
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You can tell her that she can not talk on the phone now, she is at a doctor appointment, she is sleeping or some other phrase.
To keep telling her that her daughter has died will cause her to feel the death as new each time and she will again be heartbroken.
So once you tell her do not tell her again. This will satisfy your feeling that you must tell her and it will remove heartbreak and sadness by not repeating the news.
You will learn how to redirect her questions, ask her to tell you stories about her daughter and her son when they were young. (You just might learn some interesting facts about your husband.)
And I'm sorry for your loss.
Many things we simply don't tell Mother. She has mild dementia, but definitely lives in her own reality. She doesn't know (and never will) that 2 of her grandsons are gay or that her beloved (now deceased son) was in and out of jail much of his adult life. Why make her declining years ones she can't handle?
As far as a death--we did tell her when my brother died, and she did get to the hospital to see him (he was on full life support for 3 days)..but she didn't get to talk to him. Now, it's like it didn't happen. She adored him, but she rarely speaks of him. They were NOT close, so maybe that made it easier.
I wish you luck in this. But you may find she has more strength than you think. AT 96, she is staring down death everyday. It may "help" her to know she has somebody waiting on the other side. Please let us know how this goes--more than one person here has a similar dynamic going on.
I think it depends on her mental ability and what she can process. If she's not able to process it, then I don't see how it helps her. Being told, doesn't mean that she would retain the knowledge. It's a personal decision, but, with my LO, I only give her good news. Bad news would upset her and she no longer has the coping skills to console herself. Plus, she would forget it soon after, so there is no point to it.
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