I am an only child and my mom has passed away. My dad is in a nursing home and is becoming more and more difficult every day. He won't eat the meals served, but wants me to deliver him meals daily. I do his laundry, and if his favourite pair of pants are in the laundry for more than a couple days and not delivered back to him, he is on the phone demanding I bring his laundry. When we go visit, all he does is complain that his bed isn't being made properly, he doesn't like the food, the staff won't do anything he asks, and it goes on and on. I can't remember the last time he asked how we were doing or what was new with us. It's a constant stream of complaints and never any appreciation for what we do for him. He is on a very limited income and gets very angry when I won't just give him large amounts of cash whenever he asks for it, because he spends it at the gift shop in his facility. We make sure his care is paid for, that he can go on outings a couple times a month, and gets the basic needs met as far as personal items, haircuts, etc. I am just so tired of being treated like a servant. I am depressed that I can't just be his daughter and enjoy his company without taking verbal stabs and abuse. I have tried to walk away and take a break, but the guilt is overwhelming. What do I do?
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Now, think about this. It is not unusual for an elder to complain big time about their new residence. Complain, complain, complain. Why do they do this? They think if they complain enough you will say "Dad, come home and live with me". Whatever you do, don't say that.
You wrote "we make sure his care is paid for", I am hoping that Dad is paying or he is on a government program, and not you.
I agree with some kind of therapeutic fib to not visit for a week or two. Let him miss what you do for him. Then work on separating yourself so that he understands that your help is to be valued and not denigrated. As others have said, you're going to have to make the change because your dad is happy (as he can be) the way things are.
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I think I would start with the meals. If they're nutritious and good, you don't need to bring him meals. You might even joke that you could use his money to fund carry out deliveries for him, but let him know that you're not that carry-out or delivery service yourself.
Talk to the staff and advise them you'll no longer do his laundry; make sure he has enough extra clothes for several days, then advise him that you've developed back problems or something and that you can no longer do the laundry.
Prepare for anger, lots of it, but be firm. He's manipulating you now and making your life miserable. He's not going to change; you'll have to, and he'll resent it.
I would also have a frank discussion with the DON and other administrators to warn them that you're backing off, as he may take his anger out on them. I don't know what solutions they might have, but they should be aware that you're going to change the routine and his anger may be redirected to them.
Good luck; this isn't going to be easy, but it is necessary.