Hello. My 94 year old mom was in assisted living for less than 2 months and got pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. She had some onset dementia before the hospital. She has been there for 3 weeks and recovering and will be going to a nursing home for long term care. Her dementia seems to have gotten worse and I am afraid she will get worse in a nursing home. I don't think there is much I can do for her now other than visit her daily and make sure she is being taken care of. I am wondering how I should handle all this emotionally because it's been tough! I don't know what to do. Also, all my personal plans are on hold. I retired a year ago and most of that year was putting her into assisted living. Very depressing year for me. If her dementia gets worse should I change the focus to myself and start living my life again? I have wanted to move out of state, but that probably isn't a good idea if she is still living. Please help. Thanks.
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Be gentle with yourself. If you do something that later looks like a mistake, learn from it and move on. No one is perfect; all any of us can do is our best, and you are!
Communicate with other people who will be gentle with you. Avoid people who criticize or are always gloomy (if there is anyone like that in your life). AgingCare is generally a safe place to vent or ask for encouragement.
Try to minimize the either/or thinking you do. Either you stay available to your mother/or you get on with your life is a pretty discouraging proposition. But are there any ways you can combine these, at least partially? Can you replace either/or with both/and? I will both stay near my mother and start preparing for the next phase of my life. I will both see that my mother has good care and also start focusing more on my own needs.
Avoid feeling guilty. Your mother's dementia is Not Your Fault. That your mother got pneumonia is Not Your Fault. That she now needs more care is Not Your Fault. You are doing your best to deal with these things and you have/are doing a good job. If you absolutely can't banish the guilt (it is hard) at least push it way to the back of your brain, and don't let it make any decisions.
My suggestions are
1) Be gentle with yourself
2) Associate with people who are gentle with you
3) As much as you can, replace either/or with both/and
4) Don't make any decisions out of guilt
I picked a town about an hour away from my mother that offered a bunch of features that appealed to me, and I moved there. I've started working part-time again and working towards the day when I can move into a more responsible role with the organization I'm with now (possibly in another state as this org operates all over the country). I'm trying to enjoy my life as much as I can and prepare for my future even while stuck in a state I'd prefer not to be living in. I would really love to be able to move but I know I would feel guilty if I couldn't be available when Mom needs me and I also don't want to leave my one local sister to handle all my mother's needs on her own. It's working out okay for me, for now.
Having said that, only you can know what's right for you. You don't have to decide anything today. Good luck!
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Yes, this must have been a heck of a year for you. Really, really hard going; and just at a time when you might reasonably have hoped to start taking things easy and enjoying the freedoms of retirement.
The thing is, though, seeing how rapid your mother's decline has been recently, um... She is 94, which by any standard is a very advanced age. What I'm struggling to say gently is that you may not have very much time left with her.
In which case, if you were to delegate her care and move out of state, you might come to regret not having seen her through.
You've had a whole series of terribly difficult decisions and saddening events to cope with; and if these have involved a lady who has always before been admirably independent and capable it's all the more depressing for those, like you, who love her.
So make allowances for yourself about the sheer scale of adjustment you've had to go through. Perhaps your best next step might be to have a brass tacks discussion with your mother's geriatrician or GP about her prognosis, and try to get a handle on what sort of timescale can be realistically estimated.
Meanwhile, remember that you don't have to make any firm decisions about your own plans until it suits you to - they'll still be there, as soon as you're ready to pick them up. And in the interim, make time for yourself a priority so that you do get some respite from your worries, even if it's only an afternoon here and there in the short-term.
Are you having to manage this situation on your own?
You should not place your life on hold to care for mom. I understand your hesitancy about moving out of state. But, you do not need to provide for her care now, you are an advocate for her. Has she been evaluated for hospice? Another idea would be to find a geriatric care manager to visit her once or twice a week and become her advocate, report to you,and the two of you work together for your mom's benefit. This could work out very well.
I will be taking my Dad to live in Thailand and start a caregiver company so that he and I can live there. in the US, I pay $3k a month for a caregiver 100 hrs /month. In Thailand, I can rent a HOUSE AND hire 2 caretakers a MONTH and have money left over.
What can you do? Start putting together some relationships with other people. Ask people to join you for coffee. At first it feels awkward and uncomfortable to do this. But I found that people like to be asked to join me for coffee. They are flattered.
I also found that you don't need to ask too many people to make life more interesting--say 5-6 people once every two weeks or so. And my dance card is filled in, I have something to look forward to, I have contact with others, etc.
and the coffee..and the doughnut...
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