How can I let mom know that I have to get home?

Easy. Watch tv every time. That way a certain show is associated with you leaving. Maybe a game show that's on the same time every day. You can watch it together then your mom will know when it ends that's when you always go home.

Since mthr stopped remembering for more than 6 hours, I have found it useful to suddenly look at my phone (for the time) and exclaim, "oh no, I have to go get the kids! They have to go to their meeting at the church! Sorry, I have to go, I'll be back!"Sometimes she'll ask where she should wait, and I tell her just stay in this building and I'll know where to find you.

Mind you, she's in memory care and not going anywhere, but it's a comfort to her to know that I am coming back (eventually) and that I will know where she is. If she has anything to say, I can't be late to pick up the children or they will get kicked out of the club, and we can't have that, right?

Dear brdlvr1,

Its obvious you love your mom very much. All us women have so much on our plates. It always feels like everyone wants a piece of us. A three hour visit is very generous. My grandmother would be thrilled if any of her children stayed for three hours.

For myself, I use to see my granny every week. But since my dad passed away I find it very hard to go out. I now go once a month and when I see her, she asks "where have you been?" Its not easy. I'm such a pleaser. But I've learned to pull back a little. She has a lot of children and grandchildren. Please do not feel guilty. Let your mom know you are leaving and keep walking. In my heart, I feel I am doing the best I can. Coping with my grief, yet giving her as much as I can.

I wouldn't give her advance notice that you can only stay 3 hours or that you have to leave soon as her response creates bad feelings. When you decide to go, just get up and tell her that you are on your way now. "Well mum, it has been great visiting you. I am going home now". If she complains, just smile and leave. You don't need to explain to her why you are leaving. It doesn't help and puts you on the defensive.

Byrd, does your mom have any kind of cognitive decline, or dementia?

Before I realized that my mom's cogntive skills were a problem, she would ask things that seemed sort of manipulative or off base. When we'd get in my car, she'd see these little parking meter reciepts on my dashboard and she'd say "I certainly hope those aren't parking tickets!". I'd explain what they were, but she never "got" it.

Maybe she's not being manipulative or nasty. Maybe she's lost her sense of time and of how long it takes you to get to and from her house.

brdlvr1, the only time I dropped by my parents house was to deliver whatever they needed.   I didn't stay very long, maybe 15 minutes to the most because their house was way too hot for me.

I would tell my Mom I need to get home because I have clothes in the washer that need to be put in the dryer.   Mom would nod understanding, she was rarely upset I didn't stay longer.   Housework was always a great excuse for me to use :)

Of course, once dementia sets in on an elder, that is a whole different story, as the elder doesn't quite understand they are being rude. 

But it works and you stay. When she does that you need to leave immediately. I see so many people put up with bad behavior because the person is their 'elder'. My feeling is that by this age they should know better and know not to treat people badly.

Brilliant response.

Once the bad tone starts, you leave immediately. She is attempting to manipulate you by playing the guilt card. Don't pick it up. My SIL was once greeted with "Where the fxxx have you been?" She immediately left. Smartest move she ever made.