My mother and I share a house. She has dementia which is worsening daily and every time I bring up the assisted living (memory care) issue, we get in a huge fight. It is absolute hell dealing with this and I can feel my years ticking away (58 years old). I'd go, if they would take me!
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The mother you are dealing with now is not your Mother you are dealing with a disease that knows no bounds in the way it erodes the person. Both the person with Dementia and the people close to that person.
She may say she hates you...she may say that you must not love her....but.
If you can not safely handle your Mom both physically and mentally it is time.
She will get used to having help round the clock, she will get used to a new room, a new routine and new friends. Best of all she will regain the Daughter that she is fast loosing. And you will be a better Daughter and a better advocate for her.
Somewhere on this forum I read a post from a caregiver who put mom in respite for one week every three months, and it was a sanity saver. Think of it as an investment in your health.
The place my Dad moved, it was so great, that I wanted to move there, too :)
I read this idea on the forum not to long ago... tell your Mom that you are able to get a free lunch, and she is invited to go. Set up an appointment at the facility and tell them what you are doing. You could also tell Mom you are searching out places for a friend, and they would want your Mom's opinion. Moms like to help [I realize your Mom has dementia, but would she be able to still go out for lunch and a short tour?]. She might be pleasantly surprised.
Wouldn't it be great if she spotted an old friend who now lives at the facility?
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Its so tough. Even though your mom doesn't want to go to assisted living. I think Dana has an excellent suggestion.
Have you considered talking to social worker, counselor, family therapist, family doctor? Maybe someone can come to the house to speak with your mom about her options.
I know we want to do right by our parents, but I fear if you continue trying to appease her it will only lead to more anger and resentment and that is not good for anybody. No one likes change at any age, but as your mom's care escalates, its better to start looking at options now.
Take care and I hope your mom will come around. If not, make that tough choice for yourself and preserve your own well being. I know its easier said than done, but don't let the guilt control you. Its not fair.
do your due diligence. Contact every facility that's within driving distance. I personally contacted 22 and toured 17 before applying on my mother's behalf. After all that, I only felt good enough about 4 to apply. Of those, one 1 accepted her. There are vast differences among facilities. For example, my mom already had Medicaid when she entered the facility. She got into a unit with all private rooms. At another facility, for the same Medicaid money, by mom could have been in a room with 3 other residents. So you must shop around. Don't just take your mom there and drop her off. The facilities I was interested in, I visited 3-4 times, both formally and informally, just dropping by. I talked to visiting family members as asked, "is this a nice facility? are you happy with the care your loved one receives?" When they answer, take it from there.
As much as you love your mom, you don't owe her your blood. What you do owe her is to get her into the best possible facility and to stay on top of her care, visiting often. Good luck.
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