Mother has been living with my husband and myself for 18 months and cannot be left alone. Any suggestions?

It sounds as though for starters, mom needs to be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist. As mentioned above, treating depression in the elderly is not for amateurs. Has she also been evaluated for dementia?

Mom's resources should be used for mom's care. With some of her savings, make an appoinment with a lawyer who specializes in the elderly and who knows Medicaid regulations in your state. You need to set up a prepaid funeral and a caregiving contract ( if she's still deemed competent to sign one). Her funds should be paying for either adult day care or aides to care for her.

There are very few antidepressants that are appropriate for geriatric use. You may want to seek out someone who specializes in geriatrics. Dementia is not a static disease so things will change. Maybe some things will get better.

Dear Sweetaxon,

I know you love your mother and trying to do all you can every day for her. Sorry to hear you are at the breaking point. Because you said your mom is so miserable, I wonder if she was like this before she moved in? How many pills does she take? Could it be the side effects of the pills affecting her mood? Low blood sugar? Dehydration? I would try to get her evaluated by a doctor or nurse?

Have you tried to access any community resources? Social worker? Family therapist? Respite care? Any options through work or church? Something to help you get a break and find another way.

I know its hard when you are in the trenches every day. Trying to make things right and trying to stay above water. Finding the right balance is never easy.

Thinking of you. I hope you will consider finding what resources in the community could assist you and your mother.

If for some unforeseen reason Mom has to go into a facility her saved social security will be taken for her care or medicaid will take it. So it makes sense to use it now to hire some help so the two of you can have some quality time together. By all means prepay for funeral expenses medicaid allows that.
It is understandable for mom to be miserable. Her life has become totally empty and she is becoming increasingly dependent. Some people can deal with it and be thankful and enjoy no longer having responsibilities other resent all the losses and feel the people who are caring for them have caused their problems.
Finding an appropriate antidepressant anti anxiety medication can take a lot of patience and experimentation. Give anything new several weeks to start working and try and be patient. Also make sure Mom is actually taking any meds. try and control any medications yourself and give them dose by dose and watch her take them.

Why does your mother need life insurance? You are saying she has no life insurance so her SS is being saved for that. That is confusing to me. Are you her only heir? If so that is fine but if you are allowing her to save her money to leave to others who aren't caring for her then that's baloney. IMHO.

Um. So, if you don't mind my saying so, you and your husband are 70 years old give or take a couple of years?

Bluntly, there is a good chance that one or both of you will die before your mother does: the workload, the stress and the lack of sleep pose a serious risk to your health. What then?

This sounds like a risky and untenable situation. What are the alternatives? Where in your area could your mother be moved to?

Mother was living alone but that is not possible. Her social security check is being saved as she has no life insurance so I can't use that. My husband gets angry when she is ugly to me but all in all he has been wonderful. It has put a strain on us but we have been married 50 years so we do everything we can for each other. She is on Prozac but I don't think it helps. They change her from lexapro which did not help at all. Thanks for letting me vent sometimes it helps. I appreciate your time sand thoughts.

I expect your mother IS miserable. I realise it's scant comfort, but at least be reassured that it's nothing personal - it's not you she hates, it's life in general and how everything is turning to mould.

Realise that it makes no difference whether you bend over backwards to please her or not. She is still going to be just as miserable about things you can't change, such as her loss of faculties and her helplessness, and possibly chemical or physiological changes in her brain too. So instead of trying to please her, please yourself, by doing what you think is the right thing. Don't chase the impossible dream of making her happy.

Where was she living before? What led to her coming to live with you?

Not to make you even more worried than you already are, but how is your husband bearing up under this strain?

Since she is living with you what is her income being used for? It should be paying for her room and board (with a written contract) and it should be used to bring in some aides to give you and your husband some respite.

Get her some antidepressant medications. Give them at bedtime so both of you can get some sleep.