My father's nursing home will not let my mother stay overnight in the room?

This story is unbelievable. I have worked in aged care for many years as a nurse. I have often seen long term permenent staff kiss the residents out of care, when settling them down to sleep. When working in a facility for long time quite often a relationship develops of trust. I see nothing inappropriate about the kiss as long as it was not on the lips. However, it was insensitive to do it with the wife looking on. It has obviously triggered a reaction in her. 
As a professional, I always keep the boundaries & have only kissed on the forehead. But I had worked in that facility for 20yrs.

I stayed in my mother's nursing home several nights when she was first there. She was getting up, screaming, and generally causing disturbances. I wanted to see if I could calm her down and also try to figure out what was causing this. The NH was pleased I was willing to do this, and hoped it would work. I was able to calm her each time, though I never did figure out the triggers. I think she was just having a difficult adjustment period and that improved.

In my experience, nursing homes are happy to have the positive presence of family members. But this situation is obviously very different. Mother's presence does not appear to be calming and indeed seems to be disturbing. This may not be her fault at all, but the NH does have to protect their resident from disturbances.

Let us hope this is for a short adjustment period.

BarbBrooklyn: Your story sounds so similar to my late Mother's hallucinagenic thoughts--"that person hopped out of bed and took care of me, there's someone sleeping on the floor in my room, that staff member is going back to his hotel room" and more.

Quite frankly, I don't know of any Nursing Homes that allow an overnight guest. There are many reasons for that---
# 1 They don't allow pro bono guests.
#2 They cannot assume the liability if said guest falls or gets hurt.
#3 They don't provide excess beds.
#4 Some Nursing Homes (at least the one my mom was in) have residents who are wandering the halls.
#5 Loss of said guest's personal effects.

This sounds kind of like my foster dad, he started having problems towards late afternoon to early evening. I didn't really know what I was dealing with, I had never dealt with this kind of thing before so I really wasn't trained or have any experience with this kind of thing. Worse yet, I really didn't even know how to look for dementia or identify it. As he got worse, it seemed like the problems he was having started becoming a daily issue and even lasting longer. I just didn't know what to do but when he was finally put into a nursing home, at first I didn't know the nursing home had their hooks in him, too. It wasn't until after an incident I found out the true colors of the workers. Unfortunately though he already had a guardian and it seems like even she had her hooks in him. Had I been his guardian, I would have removed him from that facility and into another one. He was actually fighting two of the staff, (but I don't know what led up to it). As for staying overnight, the nursing home won't allow this because your mom is not a resident. What you may suggest she do is set up a hidden camera. The kind I would suggest is the kind where you can watch remotely from home and if a nurse finds it, lock it remotely from her location. Make sure she puts a familiar code on it so she can unlock it remotely if she needs to. This kind of thing can be handy to help see what's going on providing the device has not been switched off. If someone finds the device though, you'll automatically have a picture of them. It's always best to be right there while you're watching what's going on in the room from home, that's why if someone finds the device and picks it up, you can lock it right there on the spot from your location. That way, you can see what's really going on with your dad

Daughterlu - some wives are uncomfortable with any other lady giving hubby a kiss even an innocent one so I am still sceptical about this - if the mom is uncomfortable then that's one thing but I think there is good chance there is a bit of jealousy there - how many young women go after older men who have a bit of dementia? .. I bet not many as apposed to a caring nurse giving comfort to a patient - I go with the latter but I am an optimist [it is not whether the glass is half empty or half full... it is the anything for a refill later - be it water of wine! lol]

"mom said that one of the nurses kissed him" And how did mom know this? Is it something Dad told her? Dad is the one who said mother pulled a knife on him, right? Unfortunately this man's words cannot be taken as a true reflection of reality.

moecam, that is your dad, if a kiss is making the wife uneasy, it is inappropriate. The Wife could say to the nurse that she is uncomfortable with her kissing her husband and she did the right thing reporting it to management. The management did the wrong thing banning the wife for 5 days. They should have talked it out with the Nurse and at least should have had a "NO KISSING" rule for her. How does the wife feel being banned for 5 days with the kissing nurse having access to her husband.

As to the kiss - define it - was it open 'mouth sexual' or just a 'cheek kiss meaning I am here for you' - there a big difference! - some staff give a hugs to my dad as they leave for their days off & have done it in front of me - I say thanks for being so caring

The odbudmans has help me a lot even got me an attorney to help w my mom situation.

you have to get a power of attorney ..on your mom to but might be to late for your father ..my mom was in for 13 days for rehab get her stronger & they was not giving her mental meds she has dementia & i asked them if they was at the end of the week it was thanksgiving i asked my oldest sister was there to & they would no tell me what she was on i had to be a p.o.a well a week later i found out that they didnt ..it was there fault !!!they said she wanders around at night i thought ya its your fault !!!to my self ..see i do not know i doubt it they all run different i guess ..the facility they go into has there own doc to look at them & evaluate if a hospital sends info they decide what they need & dont i think they do it for cost to save
they didnt give her it cause she was fine .but they had a scrip for bladder control & her urologist said to me not to give her any but if she became a problem they would have gave her it ..they run it for there benefit .but if your not a p.o.a you have no power is the way i think it goes so you need to explain to everyone that you need to have a p.o.a to help them out not the nursing home they do not care for them but at there own benefit ..

It's my experience that most long term facilities are devoted to the welfare of the residents. They follow strict protocol for when there are complaints. My LO was convinced that her doctor slept on a couch in the lobby of her MC.  She also saw little animals sitting up in trees behind the place.  So, things with dementia patients are not always as they seem.  I think it's crucial that things be taken into perspective.  
Things have to be investigated to ensure the facts are as they are presented and for everyone's protection,

I hope things worked out regarding your mother's visits and maybe, having her visit during the day would make your dad more comfortable. I hope you will post the outcome.

How easy it is for the Nursing Home/ Health Care Unit to ban your Mother. My hours were cut down from 24 hours a day in Independant Living to16 hours a day in Personal Care, then to 12 hours, then to 4 hours and the limited my visits to 5 days a week. The facility wasn't doing there job and didn't want me there to be critical and to take steps that would protect my Mother. Further they had their hooks into the family. I am Power of Attorney of Health Care and the situation was bad. We were fortunate to get my Mom out of that facility alive and with her sight. They had Moms eye drops for Glaucoma all messed up. She was in the ending stages of her eye sight. It is still in the severe range but she is not in immediate danger of losing her eye sight. We moved Mom to another facility that is an upgrade and the staff is loving, kind, conscientious and there are no problems. Mom has improved in her memory, walking, appetite, quality of life. She seems 10 years younger. The facility should not have removed your Mother from the premises for 5 days. Who is Power of atorney for Health Care? Have them get another opinion about your Fathers mental state regarding his accusations that your Mother is trying to hurt him. It sounds that a new medication might stop those accusations. The nurse could have kissed him. This could be the reason they were quick to remove your Mother instead of addressing the situation. This happened when a Maintenance man was being inappropriate with my Mother and I complained about it. It was explained to me by a professional that it is common in senior facilities that employment there is a sought out by people attracted to elderly and unless they have a record they will not be excluded from hiring. Can you look in to moving your Father. Check out other Nursing Homes and talk to residents' families and in the community to make a comparison. Blessings to you

It has been more than two weeks. Has the investigation been concluded? What were the findings? Are things going more smoothly now?

It would be good to hear a follow-up. We learn from each other!

Your poor mother. What a hideous situation for her and your family to be in.

Write everything down. Then, can you get your mother away from this for another four days? Take her to a spa hotel, help her spring clean the house, send her to relatives, just anything to get her over the hump and get her to rest.

The only other suggestion I can make, and I wouldn't recommend it because I honestly think it will only increase her stress exponentially, is that you consult an attorney. It can't be okay for your father to be isolated completely; so even if your mother can't visit (with all these hair-raising allegations flying around you can see why, no?) then surely another family member or perhaps a guardian ad litem can.

Please consider this: (I have no ideas about the legal stuff)
Your dad has had two strokes; has he been evaluated for vascular dementia? Early on, after her stroke, my mom became very agitated and had many delusions (the aides were having sex in her bathroom, dead bodies were being carted about, she was having to manage her medications with no help from the nurses ( she said this to me as the nurse handed her her meds), and that she needed to pay extra for everything that was done for her ( showers, dressing, etc.). All of these things were demonstrably untrue.

It took us a couple of days to figure it out, but it became clear that mom was sundowning; these odd perceptions showed up mostly in the late afternoon and early evening. The geriatric psychiatrist who serviced the facility stopped by and started mom on some meds for anxiety, eventually finding the right combo. Just consider that as a possibility.