My father is very abusive and I am the only one that is willing to care for him.
My father is verbally abusive And likes to push me to a breaking point. I don't know what to do. He lives With my family and I and it's exauhsting but I feel so guilty when I yell or get mad. I'm having bad panic attacks and I feel hopeless.
The fact that you are the only one willing to take care of him makes me suspect that he has been abusive all his life, and has burned many bridges behind him.
WHY are you willing to take care of someone who is abusive? Sure, see to it that he has good care, that seems a reasonable way to discharge any duty you may have toward him. But why do you think you have to do this in your home and to your own detriment? Why does his need for care take precedent over your needs? And the needs of your family?
Dr. Pauline Boss, a psychotherapist, has this to say about taking care of abusive family members: "Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. ... ... I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through a social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."
Give up the yelling and getting mad. That only makes you feel worse. Also give up the hands-on care of this abusive person. Let professionals do it. You just be his advocate, and visit him sometimes, as a loving daughter and not as his caregiver. Then if starts being abusive you can simply leave.
(If I am wrong and he has not been like this for a long time, if it may be due to brain damage such as dementia, my advice would be slightly different, first seeking some medical help. But in any case, living with abuse should not be tolerated.)
My mother has turned into a nasty piggy dirty talking , hitting woman , and she was always nice ..ughhhh I don't know how to handle it myself ...I get so embarrassed by her piggy mouth and behavior..I hope we get some good advice
I am in the same boat with you. My father is verbally abusive and it's not the dementia. He has been like this his whole life. I realized that he does it to get a reaction. It took me years to figure this out but if I do not react to him he backs off. He is doing it to make you upset and misery loves company. He wants you to be as miserable as him. On another note, does he have dementia? Do you have access to his doctor to discuss this behavior? He might need an evaluation and then perhaps some medication. Be strong. It is not your fault.
When you say you're the only one who is willing to care for him, do you mean you're the only family member? Because that's why facilities were invented.
It's bad enough that he is verbally abusive to you, but what about the impact this must be having on your family, too? It isn't fair that they have to deal with this conflict, or that the mother of the household is so stressed out that she's having panic attacks.
At least find out what other care options are available for him.
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WHY are you willing to take care of someone who is abusive? Sure, see to it that he has good care, that seems a reasonable way to discharge any duty you may have toward him. But why do you think you have to do this in your home and to your own detriment? Why does his need for care take precedent over your needs? And the needs of your family?
Dr. Pauline Boss, a psychotherapist, has this to say about taking care of abusive family members:
"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. ...
... I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through a social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."
Give up the yelling and getting mad. That only makes you feel worse. Also give up the hands-on care of this abusive person. Let professionals do it. You just be his advocate, and visit him sometimes, as a loving daughter and not as his caregiver. Then if starts being abusive you can simply leave.
(If I am wrong and he has not been like this for a long time, if it may be due to brain damage such as dementia, my advice would be slightly different, first seeking some medical help. But in any case, living with abuse should not be tolerated.)
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On another note, does he have dementia? Do you have access to his doctor to discuss this behavior? He might need an evaluation and then perhaps some medication. Be strong. It is not your fault.
It's bad enough that he is verbally abusive to you, but what about the impact this must be having on your family, too? It isn't fair that they have to deal with this conflict, or that the mother of the household is so stressed out that she's having panic attacks.
At least find out what other care options are available for him.