Does anyone else hate themselves for not wanting to be the caregiver?

Think of it this way: Doesn't your mom deserve a mother/daughter relationship that is free from obligation, resentment, and guilt? You can't give her that if she is living in your house, acting helpless, and damaging your other family relationships. If she lives in Assisted living you can become a daughter again. And won't that be wonderful?

Thank you all. Your comments have helped me so much. I know my frustration and guilt will not go away immediately, if ever, but it is so helpful to know that I am not as awful as I thought I was. Sue 888, my hands and arms have been killing me formonths so I hope that pain and stiffness goes away for me too. Must be a common ailement for caregivers.

GuiltAndSorrow, when you think about it, some of us are placed into a "job" as caregiver without any training, or someone to show us the ropes. Usually when that happens, there is no time to take classes that would benefit us. I also had worked full-time at a very long term career, and I wasn't about to give it up.

I remember my Dad hinting around that I should retire so I could drive him and my Mom to more places during the day.... oh fun. So I asked my Dad if he gave up his career to take care of his parents or Mom's parents.... I knew his answer would be "no", and he never asked again.

Emotionally I did crash and burn several times over the weight of helping my parents even though they lived under their own roof, and I lived under my own roof. I hated to drive to a point where I was getting major panic attacks during those 7 years. I tried to explain that to my parents, and their answer was "then who would drive us???" They refused taxis and senior mini bus.

After my Mom had passed at 98, Dad quickly wanted to move into Assisted Living/Memory Care. Dad loved the place, he was happy as a clam being around more people closer to his own age :)

My mom moved in with us for a year and a half after my dad died. She was waiting for a spot in independent living. At my age she was retired in a golf community and traveling. She never took care of her own mother who was alone in senior living as she lived hours away.
My mom was very dependent on us. My dad had done everything for her and she expected us to do the same.We had no privacy. She expected us to cook and clean for her and entertain her. She had a large room with a TV but preferred to be in our family room watching her old TV shows all day. It effected the relationship I had with my husband and my high school son. They preferred to be somewhere else. I grew very resentful. I was angry at my siblings who lived far away for their lack of support. I was angry with my mom who wouldn't change and become more independent. But most of all I felt guilty because I felt so much resentment towards her. I woke up every day wanting to be nicer and more compassionate. I was a hospice volunteer so surely I had it in me. Every night I went to bed frustrated.
I soon began to have health problems. In the mornings my hands were in such pain I couldn't open them. They would be painfully cramped. The doctor thought I had carpal tunnel causing pain in my wrists,forearms and elbows. I wore braces on my wrists whenever I used my computer. I was constantly sick with sinus infections. The list goes on.
Miraculously soon after my mom moved out I was cured of all my health problems:)
My mom has been in independent living for two years now. She is in a very nice continuing care facility with hundreds of activities and trips. She still sits and watches TV all day and her only activity is dressing up to go down for dinner. I've resigned myself to the fact that she isn't going to get involved in activities and that's her choice. I visit her once or twice a week and take her to lunch and the grocery store. I take her to doctors appointments and am available whenever she needs me. She is getting more and more forgetful and repeating herself so I know we probably have a new journey ahead of us. I will be there for her, advocate for her and make sure she is well taken care of. But I will not move her back into my home.
Now remember, Guilt and Sorrow, when my mom lived with me she was capable of caring for herself. My stress was nowhere near what you must have with your mom. It's so important that you take care of yourself. The feelings of resentment will not go away. The stress will cause multiple problems to your health. Do not feel guilty if you can not care for her at home. She'd be better off in a memory care facility with a healthy daughter advocating for her and visiting her because she wants to, not because she feels obligated. I always ask myself "what would I want my kids to do if I get like this?" The answer is always "do not move me in with you, even if when the time comes I put a guilt trip on you. It's not me talking it's the dementia."
I've made this clear to all my kids and I've even put it in writing.
It's time to take care of yourself and live your life. You worked and now it's time to enjoy retirement. You can do that and still be a good daughter!

Horrible daughters would have vanished over the horizon the second their mothers even looked like needing help. So put that idea out of your mind.

I can't tell you how much and how closely I sympathise with that horrible turmoil of emotions. "Hard time being civil let alone kind" - absolutely.

The trouble is, it's so hard to make a good, balanced plan for what to do next when you're absolutely knackered and demoralised. In the immediate future, can you at least get more hands to the pumps at home so that you can get adequate rest and the occasional respite break?

I never had children either (how I viewed my mom as a child and young adult was a factor in that decision) so I didn't have that experience with learning patience either. I've always been a loner of sorts and enjoy my solitude. When I don't have that I get mean and nasty and I have not had any for over a year so you can imagine how pleasant it is to be around me! I thank you for your responses. It helps to know that others realize they are not natural born caregivers and don't like it at all. I really thought I must be the most horrible daughter because I don't want to do this anymore. And some of my relatives statements have made me feel even more guilty even though they probably didn't intend to.

I do not feel guilty for not taking care of my grandmother full time. Three or four hours a week is all I can do. Dirty Harry had said in one of his movies (I'm pretty sure that I am paraphrasing) that you have to know your limitations. I cannot afford to take any time off from my job to care for her let alone quit my job. Will there come a time where she will need full time care? Yes but when it happens she will be in a facility that can take care of her needs.

GuiltAndSorrow, I know I would feel the same way that you do if I had to hands-on caregiving for my mother. I don't like doing the little bit I do now (I'm her driver and have to help her with problems sometimes).

She lives alone at age 90-1/2 in her one-story condo. She can't see out of one eye, has balance problems, neuropathy in her legs and feet, and the beginnings of cognitive decline. She is obsessive and controlling.

Of course my three golden brothers are states away.

Do you have any sibs?

Hate myself? - No. Angry with Mom for detraining so fast that I was forced into a role of nursing care when I had signed up for a roommate who might need some companion care - yes.

I watch the caregivers who are with Mom while I am at work and I know I could never be that kind and patient. Some people are just wired like that. I am not. It is no different that people knowing that they could never be a fireman and run into a burning building or be a school teacher and help kids learn all day. It does not make us "bad caregivers" bad people, just different. There is no dishonor in admitting that this is not for you.

It is also your choice if you decide to stick it out and suck up the anger and resentment. That is what I am doing for now but I am open to reevaluate later if I can't take it anymore. Find a way to absolve yourself of the guilt if you choose to let others provide her care. And definitely do that before you lose your mind.

And, I do know I am very fortunate to work 40 hours a week outside the home and let others take care of her for part of the day. Not everyone gets that break.

GuiltAndSorrow, here is an excellent article about those of us who are not cut out to be caregivers. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm

I was one of those caregivers that I just couldn't do hands-on care, but I was great at doing logistical caregiving. My hat is off to those who can do both. I never had children, so I didn't a chance to learn how to reason with a 3 year old to use later in life to reason with a 93 year old.

My Dad chose to move into Independent Living/Assisted Living and he loved it there. He was happy as a clam. He was so surprised that this place was like a fancy hotel, with a dining room with cloth table cloths, etc. He was so glad to be around people who would help him whenever he called.

Depending on your Mom's age, she may still remembers nursing homes as being asylums, not realizing how different such places are today. Take Mom on a tour and a free lunch, say you are checking out places for a friend.