How can I get through to him?

I'm sorry for how you're feeling. I can completely understand why you would.

You're a bit stuck, aren't you (classic British understatement, that is).

Um.

I'd love to have a friendly word with your husband.

Perhaps not.

The trouble is, this is the clearest-cut case ever of "I wouldn't start from here." What it is, is, you and your husband and children oughtn't to have moved into grandma's house. What seemed like a great idea at the time - big house, just the one little old lady, what could possibly go wrong - well, now you know.

And the trouble is that, because the rub doesn't fall on him, it's easy for him to say "we" - ha! It's always we. Have you noticed that? - "we just have to suck it up." Then when you don't let him get away with that he blames you for stressing him out. And calls you names! Which really is a bit much.

Time away would be nice. But what you actually need to do is screech to a halt and fast reverse the last twelve months.

Since that can't be done, the other thing you can do is look ahead. You don't need your husband's permission or co-operation to research facilities, find out what the costs are, and find out if they take people on Medicaid. Because even if grandma's money from the house does run out you and your husband wouldn't be liable for her fees. And the $50K is only a problem if auntie didn't spend it on grandma - it wouldn't last long, as I'm sure you know. Then the next time there is a serious discussion about grandma's care plan, preferably involving Mrs Toobusy with her POA, at least you will have all the facts and figures at your command.

And another thing you can always do is vent freely here. When she gets up your nose, or the dogs have just annoyed you, it's much better to come here and unload on the caregivers behaving badly thread than try to bottle it up and explode over the dinner table. Bit of luck, your husband will start coming home and finding you chortling over the internet instead of fit to be tied.

Also. Here's a thought. How about *you* go and stay with your close friend for a respite break so that your husband can do the sucking it up for a week or so. Though I have to warn you: even the most evil grandmothers have been known to turn into twinkly little baa-lambs for their favoured male descendants so this may not teach him the right lesson.

Most of all, it's not forever, and all will be well, and there will be a way through, and please keep posting. Hope you feel a bit better very soon, hugs.

And could you keep chickens? Not the same workout as cows, of course, but excellent company! (the dogs can be trained to respect them).

I think that all people are valuable, regardless of their age. I would hope that your husband would establish you and the kids as his priority. If your husband insists on living there, I'd hope he explores whatever services she may be entitled to. I'd explore to see if based on her income, she is entitled to any in-home services. That might help with the burden of duties in the home, but, it might not work long term, as most dementia patients progress to need constant supervision and care with all their daily needs, such as bathing, toileting, dressing, feeding, etc.

Also, why would she need a car if she's a dementia patient.  Wouldn't those funds be needed help pay for her care?  I might also check with the laws in your jurisdiction. Some places will Waive property taxes on land if the owner is disabled.  I'd check into that.  

Ask him some hard questions. Ask him does he want to lose you and your kids because of an old woman? What is going to happen if you, yourself leave without your kids and leave him to deal with everything? Has he entertained the idea of you ending up dead because you neglected your own health because of an elderly woman who has been cruel? Let him know that you and your kids are more important than an old woman with dementia. You are just asking him how important you are to him because he acts like your an expendable employee. You are his WIFE, not some employee.

I just feel so trapped the only ppl we have tht take her is a close friend of ours and she's got a full plate too taking care of her parents and helping with her grandkids so I feel guilty even asking half the time even tho I desperately need time away the whole situation makes me sick and I told him he better put me in a home before he burdens our girls with a life like this I don't want them to feel this way ever.

He does see my resentment he calls it "being a b*tch" and she took care of him till he about 7-8 so he feels obligated plus and this makes me nauseous to say I don't think he wants to see the house sold to pay for a home because she has no extra money left because her other daughter had her before us and blew through 50,000. In 9 months!!! And no the useless ass office of aging here wouldn't do anything about it when we asked for an investigation so we pay the bills including property taxes and she pays her car note and health/life insurance

It's his gram I take great care of her and he wants to make sure Grammy is well taken care of so no home for Grammy. His mom is POA and is selfish as hell and tells him and I she needs a life too. I think I've been a pushover for so long they don't think about my feelings or mental state for tht matter. I need a break and the POA daughter only takes her every couple months cuz she needs a life lmfao don't we all. I've done a great deal of research on her condition (she didn't have a stroke it was a head injury tried to drink herself to death after her hubby passed(awesome man don't know how he dealt with her she was an abusive drunk prior to head injury)she was otherwise in good health prior)and know it's only gonna get worse nobody knows what Medicare or whatever covers and I know for a fact this is gonna be hazardous to my health if I don't get help with her I can't do it alone and they all seem totally oblivious to tht fact I'm going nuts half the time and I think I resent my old man more than anything he took us out of our home we loved got rid of the cows I loved taking care of I feel useless here I crave physical work not emotional tht is y when I volunteered at a nursing home as a teen I didn't do it long it's depressing and seems to suck the life outta you. Idk I know I needed to vent badly he comes home from work and I try to tell him about my day and he tells me just let her do what she wants well if it were tht easy I wouldn't be b*tching would I? It ends up in a huge fight between him and I and there is no real closure to the arguments about gram it's always do what she wants but what about the woman who still has her whole life u kno? What about me being happy?

I am so sorry for your frustration. You need to set some boundaries, apparently. Does your husband not see your resentment?

Is this your grandmother or your husband's grandmother? Your profile says yours, but, the first part of your post says it's his grandmother.

I think your options are limited if you are living in her home. Since, she has dementia and is cognitively disabled due to strokes, I'd consider it a necessity that she receive proper treatment and care. If you harbor resentment while attempting to care for her, it's probably not an ideal situation. I might discuss your feelings with your husband so the two of you can make plans to make a change. Likely, that wouldn't involve continuing to live with her. As her dementia progresses, she'll likely need more and more hands on care.

Who's the Durable POA? Whoever is in charge should be able to get her assessed to see what level of care she needs and to evaluate her finances to see what she can afford or if she qualifies for financial assistance for her care.

Will your husband consider counseling? Is there any reason he is refusing to deal with this?