My mother suffers from hearing loss and I believe she is legally blind. She also has some type serious memory issue which I can't say for certain is Dementia. She struggles to follow conversations and can't keep track of time based in formation. She's also very insecure and quite narcissistic. (I know that is a terrible thing to say about one's own mother but its always been true). She demands to make all business decisions but struggles to follow the conversations.
I moved back to my home town to try to be there for her about 7 months ago, giving up my job in engineering management. She has a small business that was being badly mismanaged, so rather than looking for work, I took over the running of her business.
On a day to day basis she has a casual helper; A lovely lady who helps clean, was cloth and helps her run errands.
She also has a live in boyfriend of 15 years or so. They have never married so that she could continue to receive her deceased husband's social security. With her eyesight and hearing, he handles the finances.
Her boyfriend is hoarder. She may have had those tendencies as well but not to same extreme. Its so hard to watch him waste her money though I feel powerless to stop it.
I find myself in the situation where I am working full time. The business is an on call type of service, so it extends into weekends and evenings. Its going quite well but I work alone now. I do not take any payment for my efforts, a decision definitely do not regret. I am working to keep the cash flow going to support my mother but I am also supporting her decision to her resources to be wasted. It is beyond frustrating.
He seems to be feeding her negative ideas almost constantly. He seems to be poisoning the relationship between her and her caregiver. I fear what she will do on a day to day basis if that relationship breaks down completely. At this point she can not clean or care for herself properly on her own but will accept no help from me for her personal care.
There is so much more to this story but this is a good start. I honestly don't know to do to manage this situation any better than I have but I feel like I am loosing ground. I also don't know how long I can practically expect to work full time like this. Any suggestions would be welcome
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It is time for you to start taking a salary. If you choose to spend some on mother that is your decision. You say you will upset your mother if you try and take control. Look at it from the other person's point of view. Your mother is continuing to upset you. How right is that?
You have three choices:
1. Let things go on as they are.
2. Persuade Mom to hand over the reins to you. You are obviously capable of handling the business. You have already proved that.
3. If Mom and BF won't co-operate leave them to it.
You may have to come back later and clean up the mess but so be it.
I like your idea of trying to take control of the business. I wonder if there is any way that your mother would sign it over to you. You can give her a certain amount every month and maybe even help her manage her money. The rest you could put into savings in case she might need it someday. The only complication here is if she needed to go on Medicaid during the next few years. From what you describe, that doesn't seem to be the case.
I have a feeling there is something that you and your mother could work out that would fit the needs of everyone and help slow the flow of money that is being wasted. The money in the savings account would be yours when she passed. I imagine you would prefer that over having it go to the boyfriend. Good luck getting something worked out!
An experienced counselor could help you draw up some boundaries for this situation and have your back as you put them into reality and come up with the consequences for when they are broken. I've been there and done that with my own family issues. Boundaries were new territory for me back then also. I wish you the best.
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You said that you've seen an attorney. I'd get sound legal advice from someone who litigates these type of cases regularly in that county. This is because they should know what the courts look at, how they approach cases like this, what evidence you need, etc. Experience may help a lot so you get a true sense of what to expect.
I wouldn't expect to be able to intervene without some hurt feelings. Often if there is dementia, the patient is not capable of accepting they have it. They will continue to swear that they are fine, capable, no problem, despite evidence to the contrary. Keeping them happy and smiling while you protect them is not so easy nor likely. The upside is if you win. The downside is if you don't. I'd ask the attorney about all the options and outcomes.
I hope you find some answers and success in helping your mom.
"Used". Yes this is a good word for how I am feeling. I am also feeling rather stuck and powerless to change the situation without hurting my mother. Its not the most important thing, but it doesn't help that they both act so entitled to my time and efforts.
The best situation I can envision at this point is to gain control of the business and perhaps her personal accounts to prevent his foolish wasting of her money. I think this could also help mend her relationship with her caregiver because it would take the issue of paying the woman out of my mother's hands which seems to cause my mother some negative feelings.
I don't at the moment see a strategy for this. It seems like any attempt to do this would destroy my relationship with my mother.
I have spoken to an attorney and the option of suing for custody and invoking a competency hearing would immediately alienate her and her boyfriend.