I am really upset on how to handle this transition.

I am also struggling with this dilemma for my parents. I have been searching for the right facility for them and have found a couple of good options but still haven't made a final decision yet. When I think about actually moving them.. the actual day I have to take them and leave them.. I start to get really nervous and am not sure I can pull it off.

Both have dementia and so it wouldn't be much use to tell them ahead of time.. or possibly at all. I would need an excuse for taking them...which I haven't really decided on yet. I can just imagine how hard that day will be and I wished I wasn't the one having to go through with it.

I wish you all the luck and that day is as painless as possible for both of you. I do like the idea of telling him they are running tests. I probably would not tell him he would be there a whole week either... I like 'for the time being'... my parents are with it enough to question about everything tho.. what tests? Why? Where are you going?? When will you be back? We aren't sick????

Depending on the stage of his dementia it could be better not to tell him anything till the moving day comes. Then tell him the VA would like him to come in for an evaluation or tests as your relative suggested. Just pack a small case with the things he will need immediately and a few favorite things like a blanket. Then you can take what he can have in his room as soon as possible. After that you may be advised not to visit for a couple of weeks while he becomes acclimatized and gets used to the routine.
I t is very hard to feel as though you are abandoning a loved one and that you have failed him but this is far from the case so loose the guilt. You are doing what you have decided is the best solution for his long term care. he may say he hates it and ask to come home again but it is best to face up to the truth and simply say a small reason why that is not possible. Getting into an argument and tears will not help either of you. Sending you good thoughts. please come back and tell us how this goes.

Countrymouse....thank you sooo much for your input. I think you are right in changing the verbage, like that better. Yes I have seen the room. Also the availability right now is in the "secured" unit which also makes me anxious because, even tho he has gotten up in the nite ready to leave, dont want him to feel "locked up". My other fear is that placing him is going to bring him down faster, as I have read in different articles. As you can see I am sooo distraught with this decision before me.

I've heard worse suggestions than your family member's one. If you're feeling squeamish about saying it's for a week, substitute "for the time being" or some similar open-ended description.

And although the truth of it is that this is your loved one's long term care plan, it's also true that it doesn't mean it can never, never be revised come what may. Nothing is ever set in stone, and you will always, always be putting his best interests first.

Also, the more cheerful and positive you are about the move, right here and now, the better it's likely to go for your loved one. Pick out his favourite things for packing; and bear in mind that you don't have to move everything he's ever going to have with him all at once. Do you have a good idea of the room layout?