Dad lives alone. I am not his caregiver as I work full time & have a family to take care of. I help on the weekends and he has "aids" who help during the week. One of these girls is the daughter of my friend, who is doing me a huge favor by helping out my dad because it has been very difficult to find resources for the help he needs.
She has been helping out for about a month and I just recently learned about his "requests". Apparently he left cash on the table and she asked what it was for. He said that he would like to be able to walk around the house commando with no pants. She told him that it's his house and he can do what he likes. Then he offered her more money and said that he would like it if SHE would do the same. GROSS. I feel so terrible for her having to put up with crap like this.
I haven't confronted my dad yet, but I want to tell him that this is unacceptable and he'd better cut this s*it out. I believe he is lucid and understands what he is doing. In the past, he has had hallucinations and delusions. When his physical health is managed, this seems to be much better and I haven't seen signs of these things lately. His main symptoms of dementia currently are that he is forgetful, easily confused, has terrible judgement, and a lack of inhibitions.
He is also still considered legally competent to make his own decisions, which is why he's still at home. If I had my way he would absolutely be in a facility. He fights leaving his home tooth and nail and I fully believe that one reason is because he knows he wouldn't get away with his behavior in a facility.
I need help on approaching this subject with him. My hope is that he will be embarrassed, that he'll remember the conversation later, and hopefully control his behavior more in the future.
36 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
It's regarding the caregiver who replied to your father when he asked to walk around the house cammando - "it's your house, do what you want". Not a great reply in terms of even a remote chance this behavior will stop. The problem with it is - someone with this type of condition is going to hear that as a "yes" and likely be encouraged by it. It's probably best to kept it short and to the point. "While I'm here working Mr. Jones - I need for you to keep all your cloths on". And while I am not saying this is in any way meant to "blame the victim" one has to remember they are not dealing with someone who is rational about the situation - a low cut top, a short skirt is likely to provoke a "oh yeah, she wants me" frame of mind for your father. Susieshoes, correct me if I'm wrong here.
So at least while your father remains inappropriately fixated on sex and sexual encounters, I would ask anyone working with him to reply to any offers or comments with a short, firm "no" type of answer. And if by chance - especially as summer is around the corner - ask any caregivers to dress in a conservative manner.
I by no mean am suggesting that this will stop his behavior or get him to be rational about what he's doing - but at least it can not be interpreted as encouragement or approval by your father.
Yikes! This can be very uncomfortable for the caregiver and for anyone who is on the receiving end.
Try to prevent situations where the inappropriate behavior can occur. It is not likely that you can "teach" a person with dementia appropriate behaviors -- those filters are gone, and the ability to learn is diminished. And yet aides, daughters, visitors, strangers in the grocery store all have the right to respect and to avoid unwanted attention. Caregivers have to be very creative!
I also suggest talking to his doctor about these new behaviors.
ADVERTISEMENT
Early in trying to figure out how to manage Dad, I gave a shot at playing along with him and just "laughed it off." It didn't work. That just encouraged him. The only thing he remembered was that I "led him on." So that was a fail. What works best is to remind him what's inappropriate, even if he responds that he doesn't care, or that his son is okay with it, and avoid being around him as much as possible. As a caretaker, of course, I cannot completely avoid him because I serve breakfast and lunch, and dinner for when my husband comes home. But I don't sit with him to watch TV (he just leers at me and makes suggestive oral gestures) or make small talk (he just wants to tell me what he wants to do to me). No, I make myself scarce by doing my work around a corner or upstairs. He forgets I'm there and falls asleep. We've been doing this for over a year now. It takes a dedicated caregiver to put up with this kind of behavior, but there are ways, often very individual ways, to make co-existence possible.
The only suggestion is to hire a male Aide to help him.
Aebuell, your father's present level of inappropriate behavior is due to his dementia. Sorry. That limits the potential solutions. Don't count on "teaching" him or shaming him into improved behavior. He may seem remorseful at the moment, but he won't remember that sufficiently to deter him from repeat performances.
People here have given practical advice on how to deal with this. I hope that some of the suggestions lead to an improvment!
We learn from each other. It would be good if you come back and let us know what you try and how it works out.
In the meantime, I would make sure he has assigned durable POA to you, and get you on the broker and checking accounts ASAP. Notify broker and bank of his increasing dementia, and have all his mail and money statements go to a post office box that you have the only key to. Hire an agency to take care of his staff needs, and tell them to send men if possible. If you hire an agency across the board, the person who is trying to financially abuse him will have no reason to visit if the money is also inaccessible.
See All Answers