This is always a difficult discussion to have with an elderly parent. My father never wanted to go to a nursing home. I did keep him at home till he died in the hospital. In hindsight, I don't know if this was the right decision. I feel like he would have gotten better care at assisted living than what I could have provided at home. And maybe he would still be alive today.
With my grandmother she was hospitalized before she realized she couldn't go back home. My aunts and uncles made the tough decision to move her into assisted living. She also didn't want to go but now after two years she seems to have adjusted.
I know there are no easy answers. Maybe talk to a social worker and see what options are available. Maybe having an independent person talk to your elder might help.
Has your mother done anything (yet) that would make her a danger to herself or others? Has she left a burner on? Taken too much medicine? Wandered outside and didn't know her way back? Eaten food so old it looks like a science experiment?
Persons with dementia should not live alone -- that is a general truth that I can personally attest to! But has she done specific things that demonstrate why this is true?
Do you live in her area? Contact the local Agency on Aging. It would be good to discuss her situation with a social worker. Explain why you are worried about Mom living alone and ask how you can go about making other arrangements for her. Unfortunately, you may have to wait for a crisis.
You cannot make Mom's residence decision for her, but you can decide what you will do. Are you currently her local caregiver? What does she depend upon you for? What would she do if you did not provide that service?
Mcook8210, my parents needed to be someplace safer than their house which had a lot of stairs. Nope, nada, never. And here they were in their 90's.
When a person refuses, and they are still in somewhat clear mind, all you can do is wait for something serious to happen, like an illness or a fall that requires hospitalization, then rehab, then you can ease the person into Assisted Living.
I see from your profile your Mom still lives at home, and she has some memory issues. Depending on her age, if she is up in year, they remember when their grandparent or relative had to be placed in a "home". Well, back then the "homes" were asylums, and who would want to go there.... thus the reason an elder will stay glued to their own home.
Has your Mom ever visited the newer Assisted Living places? My gosh, they are like hotels, with nice dining rooms, lovely living rooms, etc. Now it depends on if Mom can budget the cost. If she can, take her for a visit, tell her you are helping a friend by looking at different place, and it would be great to have Mom's opinion. She might be pleasantly surprised :)
Well, that depends. Are you being asked to "be" the assisted living? Are you a long-distance caregiver who worries about a parent alone in a distant place? Is the elderly person receiving in-home help, and do you have a good line of communication with the person/agency providing it?
In one way it's easier if you're the caregiver. If your involvement is the one thing that's keeping the person from needing to go to assisted living, then all you have to do is cut back your involvement. In another way, that's harder, because you have to be the bad guy. But if the person does end up in assisted living, you'll probably be the bad guy anyway, for not preventing it.
At a distance, it's more complicated. You may need to wait for an emergency like a fall or an episode of wandering and being brought home by police, before you can make a good case that the person can no longer live alone. And if you're not right there you may not be the first to know about such things happening. You need to rely on someone else to keep you in the loop and convey any issues that come up.
In any case, the most important thing is back up, or, if you can arrange it, a united front. That means the medical personnel, social workers, family members, neighbors, etc. all getting in line with the idea that the person can't live alone. Sometimes a doctor will pressure the patient, but it's more likely they'll pressure family members to step in (read, move in) and make it possible for the person to remain at home. So don't necessarily count on them.
In the end you have to be strong. You have to consistently refuse to move in and be a 24/7 caregiver, no matter how much pressure and guilt-tripping are directed at you. Eventually other options will be considered, but not if you let yourself be the option, because the elderly will almost always prefer staying put with a full-time caregiver to moving into even the nicest facility.
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With my grandmother she was hospitalized before she realized she couldn't go back home. My aunts and uncles made the tough decision to move her into assisted living. She also didn't want to go but now after two years she seems to have adjusted.
I know there are no easy answers. Maybe talk to a social worker and see what options are available. Maybe having an independent person talk to your elder might help.
Persons with dementia should not live alone -- that is a general truth that I can personally attest to! But has she done specific things that demonstrate why this is true?
Do you live in her area? Contact the local Agency on Aging. It would be good to discuss her situation with a social worker. Explain why you are worried about Mom living alone and ask how you can go about making other arrangements for her. Unfortunately, you may have to wait for a crisis.
You cannot make Mom's residence decision for her, but you can decide what you will do. Are you currently her local caregiver? What does she depend upon you for? What would she do if you did not provide that service?
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When a person refuses, and they are still in somewhat clear mind, all you can do is wait for something serious to happen, like an illness or a fall that requires hospitalization, then rehab, then you can ease the person into Assisted Living.
I see from your profile your Mom still lives at home, and she has some memory issues. Depending on her age, if she is up in year, they remember when their grandparent or relative had to be placed in a "home". Well, back then the "homes" were asylums, and who would want to go there.... thus the reason an elder will stay glued to their own home.
Has your Mom ever visited the newer Assisted Living places? My gosh, they are like hotels, with nice dining rooms, lovely living rooms, etc. Now it depends on if Mom can budget the cost. If she can, take her for a visit, tell her you are helping a friend by looking at different place, and it would be great to have Mom's opinion. She might be pleasantly surprised :)
In one way it's easier if you're the caregiver. If your involvement is the one thing that's keeping the person from needing to go to assisted living, then all you have to do is cut back your involvement. In another way, that's harder, because you have to be the bad guy. But if the person does end up in assisted living, you'll probably be the bad guy anyway, for not preventing it.
At a distance, it's more complicated. You may need to wait for an emergency like a fall or an episode of wandering and being brought home by police, before you can make a good case that the person can no longer live alone. And if you're not right there you may not be the first to know about such things happening. You need to rely on someone else to keep you in the loop and convey any issues that come up.
In any case, the most important thing is back up, or, if you can arrange it, a united front. That means the medical personnel, social workers, family members, neighbors, etc. all getting in line with the idea that the person can't live alone. Sometimes a doctor will pressure the patient, but it's more likely they'll pressure family members to step in (read, move in) and make it possible for the person to remain at home. So don't necessarily count on them.
In the end you have to be strong. You have to consistently refuse to move in and be a 24/7 caregiver, no matter how much pressure and guilt-tripping are directed at you. Eventually other options will be considered, but not if you let yourself be the option, because the elderly will almost always prefer staying put with a full-time caregiver to moving into even the nicest facility.
Good luck!