My mom is 82 years old and lives alone 5 minutes from me. She has Medicare and Medicaid. Her only income is Social Security and that's $700 a month. She had fallen using her walker last Oct. and spent almost 3 months in rehab. The physical therapist went to Mom's house to asses if she would be ok to go back to her house and live on her own. He thought as long as she gets a couple of grab bars in the bathroom that's all she needed.
I did not agree with him as my mom was still pretty weak even with her walker, but she was determined to leave the rehab and go back to her house. On the last day of her discharge she had an episode that had brought a cardiac doctor to her room who asked her to stay for another few days so she could be monitored since her blood pressure had went up and she was getting palpitations.
She yelled at everyone and said "You're all trying to keep me here and I wanna go home." and she started crying. The doctor asked if I could convince my mom that she'd be better off staying.
She wasn't having it. She told me that I was "conspiring" wtih the doctor and the administration there and she wasn't staying. So I brought her home. She was allowed to have a home aide come in 10 hours a week to do light housework, fix meals, bathing, etc., but no medical stuff at all. I am 56 years old, the only child and have some physical limitations, but I manage to do pretty much everything for my mom except bathe her, which btw, she won't allow anyone to do that saying she gives herself "a horse bath".😒
Now my mom's caseworker told her "but that's not good enough my dear, what about your feet, your back, etc." and my mom told her "Don't worry I can do it." My mom has had 2 yeast infections under her breast as a result of her unsanitary hygiene and she reeks, which I have trouble being near her for very long. My mom also has untreated breast or lung cancer, we're not sure which because she refused an exam with her doctor the last time she saw her which was before her fall. Her doctor went under her shirt to put the stethoscope and noticed the blackened sore above moms left breast and asked her how long that had been there. She didnt' get an answer. So along with that, my mom does have Asthma, spinal degeneration, anxiety, osteopenia and the beginnings of what the ER doctor said the last time she was in the ER (Jan. 2017) of dementia. She ONLY takes her Asthma medication because she says all the other drugs she's been prescribed for the pain in her hips and anxiety give her "bad reactions". What's been happening lately though is something I'm having a really hard time dealing with and needed to reach out to you all to ask on how to go about handling it better, because it is truly causing me a tremendous amount of worry and I sometimes feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I have no relatives nearby. I have 2 cousins in Arizona who are taking care of my elderly auntie, their mom who has brain cancer. So, when I do talk to my cousins, I don't tell them all that's been going on with my mom. My mom sleeps at intervals during the day and is up pretty much all night. She is fearful of everything and constanly brings up all the nastiness going on in the world and all the crimes that keep happening because we live in a suburb right next to Chicago. She will have these "episodes" of when she's close to sleep, or maybe she's just awakened from a sleep where she'll call me and say in a very, very weak and scared voice, "Tina, come here right now I need you to come over, something's not right, I'm very sick, please come over, please at least just for an hour till I feel better." She will do this about 4-5 times a few minutes apart. Sometimes she'll call up to 6-8 times a night.
I have had to turn my phone off to get some sleep, but I am to the point where I turn it off even during the daytime since I'm at work and can't take calls all the time. So when I hear her voice messages where she's being mean because I didn't respond to her the first time she called then, she calls and leave messages shaming me saying "Your friends wouldn't do this to their mothers would they?" or "Why are you ignoring me?" Sometimes I'll go to see her and as soon as I leave and get in my car she's calling me and leaves a message saying I should pick up, and that she needs to talk to me, but I don't because I'm driving and she's says "that's bulls**t". Why is she calling so many times and why does she pretend to be dying when she calls for certain messages, but then another message her voice is very strong and she'll say mean things to make me feel guilty? Oh, when I go see her, she also has these crying jags where she'll be talking about something then she'll get really sad and start to whail. Is this all part of dementia?
The incessant phone calls and crying? I forgot to mention my mom did not allow the home aide to come by to help at all.
She's refused the company to come and install the medical alert button for emergencies. She's turned down ALL outside help and expects me to do everything which I'm not capable of. She will not go to see her doctor either.
76 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Folks with dementia should not live alone past the early stages. It sounds as though your mother very much needs round the clock supervision and someone to administer meds.
But she doesn't want that. Even if you moved on with her (which I don't advise) she wouldn't comply.
So, what you are waiting for is another fall. Once she's in rehab, it will be apparent she can't return home. You'll tell the social worker at rehab that she has refused in home help. They will find her a placement.
Just remember that you can't reason with someone with dementia. But you can say "mom, if this is an emergency, call 911. I can't help you".
HO61: Oh Mom, that sounds serious! I'll call 911 right away. Will they be able to get in, or should I meet them with a key? OK. I have to get off the phone to call 911. [Hangs up.]
When the ambulance arrives she will fight the EMTs tooth and nails. Maybe they won't be able to get her to let them take her. But this calling her bluff may make her hesitate to cry wolf again. Please note, though, if she has dementia she may not learn anything from this exercise.
And if they can get her to the ER, hooray! You are now in a position to insist that she cannot return to her home.
ADVERTISEMENT
Let them call you in the AM. Remember to tell them that she lives alone, is non compliant with meds and that you are not able to provide care for her.
Ask them what their plan is for her. If anything they suggest involves you doing hands on caregiving, say " I couldn't possibly do that"
If they suggest bringing her home with aides, tell them about her noncompliance.
They need to place her. If they talk about the state stepping in as guardian, you tell them " that's just fine".
When you talk to medical staff tomorrow, make sure they are scheduling a psychiatric evaluation. And that they understand that YOU are not signing the discharge papers.
If they say they are sending her home alone, ask if they will put in writing that she is safe to discharge to her home with no assistance. Because you are NOT available to be there.
You must speak with the hospital Social Worker, and tell them she is a Vulnerable Adult, living alone, and you cannot take time off from your job, or quit to care for her, and that you have no other family nearby, that can help on this situation.
Continue to be strong in your decision, that you cannot, will not be able to care for her on your own, and that she needs to be placed in a nursing home for her own well being. Once this is accomplished, you can help her to apply for Medicaid, if she hasn't the money to pay for services, and will assist in any way possible. Please know that the next few weeks will be dificult, and you should seek medical care for yourself during this trying time.
I hope that everything works out for you, and that your Mom gets the help she needs, to address her Healthcare needs.
If she does indeed have breast cancer, that has manifested to the point of a sore to the surface of her breast, she may be eligible for Hospice care, wherever she ends up in supportive care, while she goes through any treatment that she chooses to take.
It sounds like there are tough days ahead for the both of you, and my heart goes out to you both, but remember to take care of you!
I'm kinda in your same shoes with my dad. It's tough to say the least. I too, was "losing" it and stubbornly chose this Feb to get on depression/anxiety meds short term (still on them). BUT I can tell you the BEST/WISE, help/support/kindness and straight forward advice I've EVER received was right here at AGINGCARE.COM, ~~everyday~~!!!
They all have saved my sanity, calmed me, made me smile, encourage/guide, and just listened to my whine moments....there's always someone here no matter what time of day!! Luv it here so much!
The "tough" road has gotten "lighter" for me and will for you too....keep reading others experiences, you've came to the perfect place!
Sending you a smile with a big hug and three pats on your back!
Bella 😉
If they say they are sending mom home in a cab, please ask in a very calm tone of voice if they think that she will be safe on her own for 96 hours. Because you are not available to check in on her until Tuesday or maybe Wednesday. Ask if they've been able to rule out a UTI, and when they can get a psychiatrist to see her and weigh in on her overall mental state, ability to care for herself and general competency.
she fell a few days later and broke her clavicle and pulled her shoulder out of socket. They fixed it and before they could release her, she pulled it out two more times in the ER. I insisted they contact her dr. before they let her out. I told them to check how many times she had been there in the past year for falls. They did and admitted her and on Christmas Eve, they put her in a nursing home. She did rehab and the social worker wanted to let her out. I threatened to sue the pants off of her and the home if she was sent home and fell again! They changed their mind right there at the meeting. She's gotten out a few times and took off toward the highway to "go home"! Then her memory really got bad and for the past year, she has been in the memory unit where she hates everyone and anyone and goes after them with her canes. She has had 3 taken from her, has fallen again and broke her hand, refuses to co-operate and in general, drives them nuts! But, I can sleep thru the night after several years without fear of her laying in her yard! I see her weekly, tried taking her to dinner but, she won't get back in the car unless I promise to take her home! So, I just take stuff to have a picnic with her.
I wish you the best. You can't keep the pace up and not pay for it dearly. We have left strict instructions for our children as to our aged care. They are NOT to have us moving in with them! They have their own lives. I didn't have them to use as care givers for myself and my husband! We have given them their inheritence already and paid for our funeral arrangements. I do not want them to go thru what I and my husband have for over 18 years!
Depression
Fear, anxiety
Dementia
Go to E.R. for urinalysis.
It could be anything. Not a professional.
A vaginal yeast infection also brings crying jags. imo.
Also there's sundowning (can be a symptom of dementia) where they get disoriented (usually in evening or at night) and can get very fearful and confused. They will get very clingy and make multiple calls to the same person.
My grandpa also had a very hard time distinguishing between dreaming and waking, and that state between the two was troublesome for him at times.
Finally, it sounds like your mom is determined to avoid medical care. Are you ok with that? It just sounds like she's asking you to bear a weight that may be too heavy for any child to carry. Do you think talking to her about at least managing her pain might help? I don't think your mom has any idea what the implications are for the choices she's making. She's probably not ready to hand over control, and she's probably scared, but I think that both of you would feel better if she got some more help.
See All Answers