Any advice on how to deal with an unreasonable father?

I think your dad's recent behavioral changes should be checked out by his Dr.

When I would take my dad to the Dr. and wanted the Dr. to know things that I didn't want to discuss in front of my dad I would write a brief note prior to the appointment and give it to the nurse when we checked in, telling her that the note was for the Dr. to read before he comes in to see my dad.

Since these changes were fairly sudden the fix may be something simple like a medication change.

I'd write down what you are observing and provide to his doctor. His doctor can run tests to see what's going on. Sometimes, things like UTI, other illnesses, medications, etc. can cause odd behavior. If he has dementia, he may be able to determine that as well. Does he see a Geriatric physician? Usually, they are better able to recognize things like that.

At any rate, getting through to dad and getting him to understand, isn't likely, so, I'd just try to run damage control, until you can get him medical care. Explore the options with his doctor.

I'd work on getting legal authority to handle his finances, so he doesn't lose his assets. If you don't have Durable POA and Healthcare POA, I"d see an attorney to see about Guardianship.

I'd try to not take his negative comments personally. Obviously, something is causing it. Just develop a tough skin and hopefully, the doctor can prescribe medication, if he's overly anxious or depressed.

When my LO was upset over imaginary problems, I'd just tell her that I had taken care of it.  All was solved and everything was okay.  She was so relieved to hear that and thanked me profusely.  Of course, she would forget that and it would have to be repeated later on.  Keep in mind that convincing someone with cognitive decline that they are mistaken and that nothing is wrong, usually doesn't work.  Agreeing and soothing is often more effective. 

Dear John,

I know you are doing the best you can for your dad. Its hard to see our parents aging and nothing we do seems to please them anymore. Glad you are trying to find an answer. I think you are on the right track. Does your dad have diabetes? High blood pressure? Low on vitamins? Dehydration? Depression? Anxiety? Fear of death? I know its hard to have a heart to heart with your parent, but I would take the time and really ask your dad, what is it? Have the doctor review his meds, his blood work, maybe consider a cognitive evaluation. My dad had heart failure and I didn't truly understand why he was so negative. I really regret this and wish I had done more for him.

Please get guardianship and conservatorship as soon as possible. It sounds like he has dementia and you need to make sure his finances and furure needs are secure.

Talk to his doctor, maybe he can prescribe something that will help him calm down. Fact is aging is rough, maybe a lot of it is he's just angry, angry because his life is or has changed, he knows it's going to change more, he's lost some independence, ability to do things he used to do, maybe hasn't reached goals for his life he had set, and he knows like all of us that time is running out. Put yourself in his situation, and really think about it, where would you go, what would you do, what would you lose... Strong independent people find it harder to age and lay down in acceptance. He buys food he already has because it's part of his routine, makes him feel like he still has some independence, part of trying to keep his routine going. I'd see about a mild sedative to calm him down, and ask for his help to do things, ask him what he'd like to do and follow through. It won't be easy, but it would probably mean a lot to him.

My DH hadn't gotten that bad when I decided the Doctor was right and started him on Zoloft. What an improvement.

Definitely call your dad's physician to see what can be done.

And why are you giving him money? I see this in a lot of the posts here and never understand. If you're having to help your father - why are you handing him money? You're already buying everything.

My father was always difficult, more so when he got older. I looked after him, my Mom was in the home. He picked me apart constantly, it was very difficult. Don't argue with him, you won't win and only make matters worse. I felt sorry for him and did what I could and when I needed to get away I did. He sat on the couch all day and ordered junk from bradford exchange so I had to check the mail everyday and throw away the advertising they were sending him. They wouldn't stop. Taking him to the Doctor is a good idea. Maybe some new meds?

john, besides the great answers you are getting and will continue to get here, search this site's articles, I think you'll find several that will help. I agree, go to his doctor with him asap, pass them info on what he's been doing and see what they can do to diagnose him. In one way your dad is right, he should sell his house and his children can't help him. isabel's provides good points: don't connect with his moods, and take care of yourself and your own feelings. It sounds like you and two sibs may be in this together, I hope so!

Hello, Oh my gosh when I read your message it sounded just like my father. If his behavior is different than before I would contact his doctor, he may have a UTI. In seniors it can very easily go undetected and it goes to their brain and causes personality changes. As strange as that sounds, it is true. A simple urine test will confirm. Talk to his doctor and they will set up a urinalysis. Sometimes difficult people listen to authority, not their family. If that's not the case then it may be dementia. I'm going thru that with my father. My father was always difficult so the best I can say is do not argue with him! It is completely useless. He will never see your side, no one is right and everyone is trying to either rip them off, or do them wrong. Believe me it is difficult. Mine lives with me so I just go in the other room or go out for a while and drink wine. Are you or your siblings his health care proxy? That's important b/c otherwise you will not be able to get any info. regarding his health. Start by calling his PCP and tell them what's going on. Again, if this is new behavior I'd bet it may be dementia.

I would also start with a health check, and if his health checks out, I would go to family therapy to discuss his concerns in front of a third party who may be able to point out things to all parties and give a fresh perspective. Mood-altering medications would be my very last resort. Sounds to me like your father could be frustrated and these things can be addressed in different ways. He might not have dementia at all.