How do you cope with the anger associated with dealing with dead beat siblings?

The way I deal with my brothers is I don't. I'm friendly to them. They are always welcome when they come. Their relationship to their mother is between them and her. I don't blame them for staying away, since ours has never been a close family. I do wonder at one who is a very devout Christian. One thing he teaches the children is to honor their father and mother. He rarely visits and never offers any help. He calls sometimes, but never talks at all. It is very strange. I figure it will be between him and God in the end. For myself, I have to deal with a lot of mental things here that would probably would have even driven Job crazy. My brothers are not something I think about much. One of my SILs is rather rude to my mother, so I don't think there's a lot of love going on there. They don't really understand dementia. Maybe they think she is possessed by demons or something. Who knows what goes on in the minds of people?

Personally I just hope the Great Spirit will give me strength to make it through all this and maybe grant a bit of happiness on the other side. My mother has lost her mind almost completely now, so it's rough. I've started trying to bring a little heaven to earth in my thinking to help me get through things. Feeling bad about my brothers just upsets me, so would just make things worse. When things get too bad I've selected a place for Mom. As long as there is a place for her to go when needed, I don't worry about brothers.

I come from the other side - the dark side (may the 4th be with you). My sister is a stay at home mom with a 4 year old daughter. I have a 60 hour / week job with travel and a 7 year old.

She had our mom stay with her for about a year. I suggested, that based on our knowledge of mom's personality and her needs, that this would get stressful quickly and that a good senior living was a better option.

NO DISCUSSION - "it will work out, you are being negative, etc etc etc" I sat my sister and her husband down and told them - when it gets bad, and it will, do NOT come to me and expect me to take over. Senior living would be the answer (she really does not need AL). They ignored me - i didn't know what i was talking about, they would love having her in the home -etc.

Fast forward two months - they are both bit$#ing at me for NOT having her live with me for a week here or there to "give them a break". I reminded them of our discussion. I did spend time with mom and have her with me every week - but we don't have a guest space for extended over nights. She was probably with us two evenings a week and either all day Saturday or all day Sunday. I reminded them that senior living was an option. They wouldn't discuss anything but me taking her for several weeks and i can't and won't. My mom would seriously drive me batty.

After a year - mom moved herself out as the hostility between all of them got pretty intense. My sister is just starting to get over her resentment toward me.

My point is - if you go in to care-giving with out all the siblings on board then complain when they don't help - it is unfair. Perhaps we have a less rosy view of the personalities and needs involved.

I expect to get flamed for this - so flame away.

Kimber, I am not going to flame you for your opinions. You have a right to them. But, I will say that no matter who steps up to the plate when it's time, where is the love? I never had expectations of my siblings as far as what they should or shouldn't do. But if you love someone like they always claimed they did with my Mom, then it shouldn't be a matter of whether they should help or not but a matter of where is this love in action. I was taking care of Mom long before it became a serious situation. I did it out of love, not a sense of duty. Love without actions is just words in my opinion.

When you love you do...............Don't bawl at the funeral and say how great Mom was and how much you loved her when you couldn't be bothered to help her when she needed it. Just my opinion.

I doubt mine will but it won't affect me either way. I will always know that I did best for Mom (and previously, Dad). what they feel or don't feel is their business.

I don't plan on having a service because at least one would put on a big show of being upset and I refuse to give him a stage for that.

I go back and forth between anger and acceptance. I know that when Mom is gone, I will have no relationship with two of my deadbeat brothers and I accept that they have never been and never will be of any use.

Now, the anger is both at them and at my mother. Despite the fact that they never visit and even now, no longer call, my mother still absolutely glows at the mention of their names. She anticipates their promised visits like a child waiting for Christmas morning - but Christmas never comes. She throws financial support at them but expects me to do everything for free (which I would have no problem my efforts being free if she wasn't constantly rewarding them).

But at the end of all this - and the ends is likely near, I will always know that I did what was right and hopefully, they will carry the burden of whatever guilt or regrets they may have.

My stepmom has been the mom to me and I love her dearly. She always told me that parenting well means putting yourself out of a job.

Mom2mom's mother passed away this weekend. She let us know on another thread. I am sad that she is going to be having to work through things in the next week. Having dysfunction in the family makes everything harder.

It's the anniversary of my Mom's death on Tuesday. I'm going to the park where we have a bench dedicated to her and my late brother. I was going to ask a sibling to come but changed my mind. They know when she died. They can do what they want.

It's kind of a comfort to me to see so many answers here. I thought my siblings were the worst! I am the oldest and have a brother and a sister. Our parents are in their mid-80's and mom has dementia. My brother visits mom about every two months or so and that's it. He does remember their birthdays and etc. My sister hasn't been in contact with any of us for over 4 years. Not a card or phone call or visit...nada. So, basically, my brother and sister are useless and they can't be counted on to help our parents. My husband and I do what we can for both of my parents. I am cordial to my brother but am pretty blunt with him sometimes...not that it does any good. My sister, I have pretty much written off. I really don't care what her reason is, I will never forget how she has treated our parents and has totally disregarded their feelings and needs. Angry? You bet! But I need my energy to help my parents right now. I will forgive them both for this but I will never forget...

There is another thing to consider. Sometimes when we are feeling angry at our siblings, we are really angry about the situation we are in. Caregiving can go on a long time and can take a lot out of a caregiver. Perhaps a good thing to do, rather than get angry at siblings, is to figure out another plan so that everyone's needs are met.