What's our first step to take some control of our lives while still respecting my mother?

Thank you, geewiz, jeannegibbs, 97yroldmom, cwillie. CarlaCB, Evermore99, freqflyer, Erinm60, golden23. Your caring, insightful and loving responses helped me so much, they gave me the insight I need for the long road ahead. I really needed a push in the right direction. Will check in again at a later time, what a wonderful support group!

Check with your local agency for aging and social services for options for your mum. She wanted to be independent. It looks like she can live on her own though the knife and toddler incident is a concern as regards her judgement, and also her driving according to you. You may have to use the eviction process, which is hard with a family member, but this is an intolerable situation. Her hoarding and other behaviours is negatively affecting your family and that should be changed. I agree with getting a social worker involved to help you deal with her. My mother once came to my place temporarily and then did not look for a place of her own. When I realised what was happening I sat her down every evening with the newspaper to look for a place of her own. She got angry at me and stormed off and found a place for herself. Not saying that would happen in your case, but do not let her behaviour stop you from making the necessary changes. If she eventually has to go on social security and then medicaid, so be it. They will cover the necessities. You do not have to support her.

Hi Shandy. I wish 22 years ago when my husband, mother and I decided to move in together that I had had a time machine to look in to the future. I would not have done it. It started out perfectly. My daughter was born a year later. My mom was thrilled. We were all very close. We always had a ban sitter and she basically had no bills and it was a good thing for all of us. When my daughter turned 3 or 4, I was getting upset with the amount of interference she was doing. She basically made my daughter her life. She still worked. When my daughter started elementary school she would go through her assignment books , make copies of what was due , take them into her job , and she and a coworker would attempt to complete them. I was not happy with this. Who would be. It was very hard on my daughter as well. My mother is beyond stubborn. Ok so the teenage years come. Wow that was hard. She didn't like my daughters friends. Hated when she had sleepovers. Now my daughter is 21. Has her own apartment. Comes home most weekends. My mother has backed off. I guess the point I'm trying to make , that even in the best intentions, this situation is so hard. Now she dementia . Short term memory gone. Repeats constantly. She fell a few nights ago. You see how time makes things worse. ? I'm meeting with a facility this week. I dread the conversation when I tell her , she can't stay here alone and when we go away she needs to stay there until we get home. We have a planned trip to see my mother in law who lives 8 hours away. It's not fair to her to cancel because my mother fell and won't want to go to this beautiful care center. My mother basically sits in front of the TV 14 hours a day. So sorry for going on and on, but do your best to get her in her own place. Wherever that may be. What my husband and I have learned , is that no matter what , we will never move in our daughters home when we are older. Hope this helps

Hoarding is a mental issue. So is her behavior. I'd vote for low income senior housing as they often have additional services as part of the package. This seems to be a question of save your Mom or save your family. I think I'd vote to save my family and try to guide Mom. Keep us posted.

Shandy, gosh your Mom is young by today's standards. And from what you had said about Mom, agree with Carla above, no way is your Mom even near being needing Assisted Living or nursing home, the facilities wouldn't accept her.

Mom needs senior apartment type living, where she is around people of her own generation. These apartments the rent is based on one's income. She'd be much happier there. And it doesn't sound like she needs any caregiving services. What she is going through may be just general age decline, or is still in menopause.

Did your Mom ever worked outside of the house, getting a salary? If not, i can see her being hesitant going that route, but she could do volunteer work to gain new skills. Your local Agency on Aging probably has a list of what groups need volunteers.

Some of us on the forums are older then your Mom, our challenge was dealing with a parent(s) who were in their 90's. So unless you do something soon, Mom could be with you for 20-30 years. Better to help her when she really needs the care.

My biggest worry is that there is a toddler in the house and your Mom's bedroom is a hoarding nightmare. If the toddler gets into her room, she could very easily be seriously hurt if a pile of "stuff" topples down upon her.

Hmm, I was picturing a woman closer to 80 than 60, that does change things lol! I'm with Evermore on this one, tough love. Even if you need to put up 1st and last months rent to secure her an appropriate apartment and haul all her stuff there then hand her the keys it will be well worth it to get her out of your home and get your privacy and life back...

Start the eviction process and it probably would be beneficial that you have a social worker involved in this. It's your house and your husband's house because you both are paying the bills for the house. Who cares if she pitches a tantrum, your house and you decide who gets to live there and for how long. How much social security does she get a month? What is the cost of living in your area? I know that in northeastern Ohio, you can most likely find a nice apartment for $500-$600 per month and still afford food.

I'm not understanding why your mother needs to go to assisted living or a nursing home rather than a regular apartment, or one in a senior complex. Also, does she have any regular income such as Social Security? There are low-income senior apartments in many places that may be a good fit for your Mom. You should look it up or call your local Aging Services to get some suggestions.

Thank you for your responses geewiz, jeannegibbs, 97yroldmom, and cwillie. Mom is 65, has no medical conditions (we think, she won’t go to the doctor). How it came to be: She was getting divorced and said she wanted to be independent. She lived out of state and wanted to settle near us to be with family; she didn’t plan to work.
She has always been difficult, even narcissistic. We have strong family loyalty, but we didn’t realize how tough she would be once she moved into the state and in with us. She drags her feet on anything we try to do, especially to get rid of some of her stuff (she is close to being a hoarder: she has 3 storage sheds, our trailer is now a storage shed, our house is fairly full of her stuff and her room has trails rather than floor space.) She wants to do things her way when we try to include her in chores and activities. She tries to create guilt and blame, especially when we try to be direct and firm. We all work hard and don’t want to have a war with her, and that’s how it came to be three years. She does help with the little one when I work, and now I am working 3/4 time. We think day care would be better now. (The other day she was near the 3 y.o. who got ahold of a kitchen knife; she asked someone else in the next room whether she should have that knife; another time she was supposed to be watching, and the child left the house. My husband and I are looking to find a way to have the least amount of conflict but it’s clear she is getting more obstinate the more we suggest her moving (we try to appeal to reason and there have been a couple of louder discussions).
Now that it's summer, the teens are watching the kiddo, so she is safe. But we need a game-changer plan with outside help. How can we get Mom to move if she just won’t? We know we will probably have to get a lawyer, but is there a way to extend some of her money so that we can provide amenities if she ends up in a cheaper assisted living/nursing home? How do we get cleared of accusations that we are trying to take her money, if it gets to that point? It may be that she can live independently with some home care, but her driving may be a concern, no proof yet. Is there an agency that would help us navigate through decisions and help us gain control? Thank you so much for caring!

Your first step is to find appropriate housing for her, what is appropriate will depend on her age and cognitive abilities (which it seems you are beginning to question), the reason for the above questions. Finding a new home that offers a continuum of care as she ages and her health declines is best in my opinion, and look for somewhere that will accept Medicaid after she has used up her own funds.

What was the original plan for mom? Was she supposed to go to work? Was she ending a relationship? Did she have surgery? Did she stay to help you with the new baby?

I have the same questions as geewiz, plus how did a few months turn into 3 years?

Shandy, may I ask how old your Mom is and does she have any medical conditions? How did it come about that she moved in with you and your family? This information will help you get better input. Has she been non-cooperative since the beginning or is this new behavior?